Find Out a Person's Gender

Have you ever been confused by someone's gender identity? With a little sleuthing, or an honest question, you can find out what pronouns to use. Suggested methods are outlined below.

Steps

  1. Ask for their name. If it's a clear "boy name" (like John or Martin), then they're probably a guy, and if it's a definite "girl name" (like Cynthia or Latisha), then they are probably a lady. This isn't a foolproof assumption to make, as some names fit both genders (like "Sam" or "Pat"), and some people simply decide to call their child a name usually reserved for another gender.
    • "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
    • "I'm Julia Reyes. What's your name?"
    • "Could you please tell me your name again? I want to make sure I've got it right!"
  2. Know that bathrooms aren't always a reliable indicator. If the person is transgender, but is early into their transition, they may use the wrong bathroom as a safety measure. (Transgender people are at serious risk of being assaulted in public bathrooms.)
  3. Know that hobbies don't always line up with gender norms. Some women love dirt biking, and some guys sing along to Disney movies with a passion.
  4. Realize that their anatomy may not match their gender. It's not recommended to base gender assumptions on a large chest or a square jawline, because you may be dealing with a masculine-looking woman, or a transgender woman who is trying her absolute hardest to be perceived as the woman she is.
  5. Observe their hairstyle. Sometimes you can tell from the hairstyle the probable gender of the person you're watching. If they have pigtails or a pony-tail, but not a 'cool' outfit, for instance, they're probably a lady.
  6. Observe their outfit. Unless you suspect them of being 'cool' some outfits are give-aways of whether or not the subject in question is male or female. Unfortunately, this isn't foolproof, as many outfits can be worn by either gender (especially "men's" clothes).
  7. If the person is transgender, their physical features may not match their gender. Thus, look for things they do intentionally: hair style, clothes, accessories, etc. Consider these a better indication of their gender than physical features. Misgendering a transgender person could deeply upset them, as they have to deal with this constantly, sometimes from people who want to hurt them. Thus, it's important not to use a pronoun until you're sure it's correct.
    • Always refer to a transgender person by their chosen pronouns. Choosing not to is incredibly hurtful and rude, and if you tease them about their gender, they may feel afraid that you'll attack them.
  8. Ask someone else. Find someone you can trust and ask them if they know the answer. A good friend, a teacher, a parent, etc., are suitable people to ask. This kind of question should be easy to handle.
    • "Hey, I just want to be clear, so I don't accidentally misgender your friend. What is Sam's gender?"
  9. Take a deep breath and politely ask them what pronouns you should use. This is a surefire way to tell "man or woman," and if they don't identify as a binary gender (e.g. agender, genderfluid, etc.), then they can tell you which pronouns they would wish you to use, and what makes you both feel comfortable.
    • "It's nice to meet you, Sam. I'm Julia Reyes. Might I ask what pronouns you are comfortable with?"
    • If they seem confused, elaborate politely to make it clear that it's not a big deal. "Don't worry; I ask this to a lot of people. I just want to make sure that I never hurt anyone's feelings by mistake!"

Tips

  • Sometimes talking with the person reveals enough about them to work out if they're male or female. Sometimes their voice is the best indicator.
  • Talk to a sibling! Younger siblings are much less likely to be offended by a mistake and you can always pass it off later. Try making a comment about a remarkable feature like 'I like their hair' or something. Be careful however, not to put yourself across as strange. Test the waters first.
  • Try checking their hairstyle. Some hairstyles are more obvious to one gender than others though, so this is not foolproof.

Warnings

  • Be careful. Misgendering someone can deeply hurt their feelings, so it's important to be sure before using a pronoun.
  • Try to refer to them neutrally until you know for sure.
  • Some people do not identify as male or female. If you suspect this to be the case, consider just asking them if they prefer to be called he, she or they, as this will usually not offend this type of person.
  • Don't ask the person "Are you a boy or a girl?" Ask their preferred pronouns or how you should refer to them keeping in mind that there are more than two genders and gender itself is fluid; it changes.

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