Find Your Gay Best Friend

If the hit 90s TV show, “Will and Grace” was one of your favorites, you may be yearning for that perfect gay best friend (GBF). The friend who, aside from being totally hot, knows you like the back of his/her hand, offering sage insightful advice and is always there to help you pick up the pieces after a dating disaster.

While cultivating a friendship should happen organically, there are a few ways to identify and nurture a close relationship with someone who will hopefully become your new gay bestie.

Steps

  1. Understand that all gay people aren’t the same. Before you embark upon this epic search, consider the fact that just because a guy or gal is gay, it doesn’t mean he or she fits nicely into a certain stereotype. Just like straight people, you're going to find manly men who are gay and soft, feminine girls who prefer the ladies as well, and individuals who love or detest fashion, finance or fishing, or whatever else it is you're hoping they're keen on. Even if you believe you must have that flamboyant gay man to be your GBF, consider first the person inside––what you are looking for is a soul mate friend, not a decorative accessory.
    • Whatever you're looking for in your GBF, your relationship must be a mutually beneficial one. While you might be seeking fashion or relationship advice, witty conversation and self-esteem boosting or any other sources of support, your GBF is also looking for your support and advice. Be prepared to love, spoil and defend your GBF.[1]
    • Nobody likes a condescending person who thinks that anyone who knows them should feel grateful. If this is your underlying motivation, any friendship you form will be doomed to fail.
  2. Take your time in finding your GBF and look for someone who “gets you”. Treat your search as you would do for any friend-seeking mission by being open-minded, available to talk, non-judgmental and thoughtful. Moreover, bear in mind that, as with any friendship, you cannot force a relationship. Trying to tie down someone as your GBF by being overbearing and pushy will result in someone getting hurt and someone feeling used. Your friendship must be gradual, organic and a good click between the two of you.
    • Your GBF should be someone who gets your sense of humor or understands your love of animals, for example.
    • A best friend doesn’t judge you when you are down and knows exactly what to do to pick you up. In turn, you don't judge either and you are prepared to pitch in when your GBF's life is down.
    • You’ll get each other’s jokes and want to share secrets because you know you can trust the other person. Trust is very important in any relationship, so be sure to develop this from the outset.
  3. Search for your new gay BF in the usual places. Where do the gays hang out? Everywhere! Although, stereotypically relegated to finding gay friends in drama club, art or glee, you can find a new best friend just about anywhere.
    • Work. No matter where you work, chances are you have at least one or two gay co-workers. Work can be a great place to meet new friends since there’s either a good chance you both have a passion for what you do or can share moans and groans about the job together.
    • School or varsity. In addition to certain clubs, you may find new friends who are studying the same major as you in high school or college. You don’t have to be a fashion merchandising major to find gay friends. In fact, there’s a good chance you could meet some interesting people working on group projects or studying for exams in English or history class. Although more people are coming out in high school, college or university may prove an easier place to meet a gay best friend, as older students may feel more open to express their sexuality when they are away from home and on their own.
    • Nightclubs. Aside from hanging at gay bars, visit clubs that attract a more indie-driven, arty group.
    • If you live in or near a city, museums and art galleries are excellent places to meet gay men. Some galleries cater to a gay clientele. In NYC, for example, there are gay-themed gallery tours, which are ideal for meeting, interacting and getting to know gay men.
    • Book stores, libraries and universities sponsor lectures and discussions, some of which are gay-themed. These are excellent places to meet gay men. Many book stores have a gay section, where gay men tend to browse.
    • Some gyms (or clubs) in gay-centric neighborhoods in big cities have a large gay membership. Excellent places to meet and become friendly with gay men.
    • Through other friends. Your buddy’s gay childhood friend may be someone you connect with instantly.
    • Through hobbies and sports you participate in. A mutual interest in creating or playing something can be a fantastic way to begin a lifelong friendship.
    • Hair stylists, fashion consultants and fashion retailers. If you shop at fashion conscious places or use stylists for your hair, body, etc., you may meet a GBF through the person caring for your personal needs. Be friendly and make it clear you'd love to see them socially as well as professionally.
  4. Develop a relationship that is a two-way street. On TV and in films, the relationship seems to be all about one character and how her/his gay friend is always coming to the rescue. Obviously real life relationships don’t work like that, so when it comes to your new friendship, treat it as you would any other relationship.
    • Be a good listener. After you bemoan the fact that the dresses at the Golden Globes were awful this year, listen to what he/she has to say about life (or the fashion). Perhaps your friend is going through a tough time or is trying to work out his/her own relationship issues. Remember that it’s a give and take relationship, with your supportive input being just as vital.
    • Don’t stereotype. Just because your new bud is gay doesn’t mean its all about lipstick, dresses and drag. He or she may find those topics amusing but most likely will want to explore other topics with you as well. He or she may even insist on talking about car engines and chicken wings, so be ready for any possibility with an open mind.
    • Take an interest in his/her passions or dreams. One of the great aspects of friendship is sharing common interests while also learning more about other follies in life. For example if he/she is a marathon runner, be the number one cheerleader at the finish line or attempt to enter one yourself. Or, if beach clean-up efforts are your friend’s passion, be the first one at the beach with rake in hand.
    • Be supportive. During times of crisis whom do you turn to first? Your best friend, of course. Be the kind of BFF that your new friend can lean on and depend upon during times of crisis or emergency.
  5. Be prepared to be there for the long haul. All friendships should be based on a belief that they are for life. While over time some friendships do change, the ultimate aim is to be with your best friends always, learning from them, growing and changing with them and always been there, whatever distance and changes occur between you.

Tips

  • Be sensitive to the needs of gay men. While they may also be eager to become best friends, most of them are unlikely to want to be a woman's gay accessory, her gay trophy. Just like anyone else, they want a fulfilling and lasting friendship, one which grows and deepens naturally, out of mutual interests and respect.
  • Don't be let down if you get close to someone who you think is your new GBF, only to find out he/she is straight––you are still friends, so love the friendship you have found!
  • Famous GBFs include Oscar Wilde and various women, Jean Cocteau and Coco Chanel, Elton John and Princess Diana, Truman Capote and various women, Andy Warhol and various women, etc.
  • Having a gay best friend means that you may have to share him/her with other friends. Don’t be jealous when your other friends want to strike up a friendship, too.
  • Your spouse or date may feel competition with your GBF. Deal with this early on. If you and your GBF are beginning to develop a meaningful level of intellectual and emotional intimacy, it is of vital importance to openly discuss this with your husband. Too often, a husband is unaware of the emotional depth which will develop between me, a gay man, and his wife. It can cause resentment if the husband believes the GBF and his wife are too emotionally in synch. The more open a wife, her GBF and her husband are, the more rewarding is both the marriage and the friendship. It is incumbent on the wife to make her husband understand why the GBF has become part of society's tapestry; make him see that the Gay Best Friend is now mainstream. Hopefully everyone gets along like a house on fire, but this doesn't always happen, so judge the different needs accordingly.

Warnings

  • While having a gay best friend can produce a fulfilling friendship, don’t enter the relationship under the guise that you are going to ultimately change him so that he will “play for the other team” and you can run away together. If he/she is gay––that’s the way nature intended it to be.

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Sources and Citations

  • Derek Blasberg, Classy, (2010), ISBN 978-59514-279-5 – research source
  1. ↑ Derek Blasberg, Classy, pp.126-127, (2010), ISBN 978-59514-279-5
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