Find the Right Guy

Finding the right guy can feel like an overwhelming project, but following a few simple principles will make it a lot easier. You're more likely to find the right guy if you're looking in places you already go, or find locations where guys you like enjoy hanging out. Once you've found a potential "Mr. Right," you'll need to know how to start a conversation with him.

Steps

Going Where The Right Guys Are

  1. Draw on your current contacts. Your friends who already know you are likely to know what guys you might want to meet. Let them know you're looking to find the right guy, and they'll be able to help you search. They're likely to know many people who aren't already among your mutual friends, so your search area will automatically be expanded to a new group of people.[1]
    • Your friends can also be helpful in screening out guys who are already in relationships.
    • If the guy has a reputation for treating girls badly, your friends will be able to warn you about him.
    • It will be easier to start a relationship with someone with whom you already share friends.
  2. Look at guys in your daily life. Many times, guys who share your interests may be stable, long-term boyfriends as well. If you're already active in social clubs, religious groups, or other special interest groups, consider asking someone you've already met from these groups out on a date.[2]
    • When people share the same interests, they're more likely to be compatible mates than people who don't have a lot in common.
    • Friends who are in these groups might also help you find the right guy.
  3. Consider joining a class or taking an educational course. Lots of colleges have evening courses that you can schedule around your job. If you're interested in finding someone who shares your interests in particular subjects, this is a great way to meet him.[2]
    • Consider taking classes that your ideal man might be interested in. For example, if you'd love to find a guy who loves to travel, take courses in geography or foreign languages.
    • Religious classes can help you find a mate who shares your particular religious tradition, if this is important to you.
    • Classes often provide the opportunity to work in small groups, which is an ideal way to get to know someone new.
  4. Try an online dating site. Especially if you live in a rural or socially-isolated area, online dating might be the best way for you to meet a potential boyfriend. If you're shy, or too busy to spend a lot of time looking for the right guy, going online offers you a way to meet guys without forcing you from your comfort zone right away.[3]
    • Online dating offers far greater variety and choice than meeting guys in real life does.
    • Online dating services usually offer matchmaking services, such as matching people by interests, acceptable qualities in a mate, etc.
    • Be aware that computer profiles might present misleading information about the other person. Don't allow your hopes to become unrealistic based only on his computer profile.
  5. Go places where men are more likely to hang out. Comedy clubs, music clubs, or baseball games are all places where guys are likely to go with each other. Take another single friend and go out for the evening. You'll likely find guys there enjoying the evening, and happy to meet new friends.[4]
    • Car shows or other sports events are also great places to go.
    • Other off-beat places to meet guys include blood drives, sci-fi or cos-play conventions.
  6. Meet someone through your kids. If you're a single parent, you might try meeting guys through a parents' organization. Talking to other parents during Little League games, PTA meetings, or participating in Scouts is a great way to meet another single parent.[5]
    • You might also try volunteering as a group leader or coach.
    • Getting to know the parents of your child's friends will likely happen naturally, so won't involve a lot of extra work on your part.
  7. Consider compromise. Your ideal guy may be over 6 feet tall, handsome and funny, with a large paycheck, but the guy you find yourself hanging out with might be a short and red-haired geek who works at a video store. Instead of ruling him out because he doesn't fit your idea of Mr. Right, think about what you like about being with him. Does he treat you with respect? Does he make you laugh? Is he honest, kind and thoughtful? If so, you might benefit from reevaluating your ideals.[6]
    • No one will meet every criteria for the perfect man. It's important to think about what qualities in a mate are non-negotiable for you.
    • Remember that the perfect guy might have to compromise his ideals for you too.

Avoiding the Wrong Guys

  1. Stay away from pick-up scenes. A good guy will be interested in finding someone he can respect, and someone who shares his interests. If you're interested in finding the right guy, you're unlikely to find him in a place that's designed for one-night stands.[7]
    • This doesn't mean avoiding all bars or frat parties, though these places are often pick-up scenes.
    • If you're interested in a guy, make a plan to meet him another time for a date.
  2. Don't drink too much. Drinking alters your judgment, and lowers your ability to make good decisions about who to spend your time with. If he's a good guy, he won't encourage you to drink too much. In addition, if you drink too much on the first date, you might scare off a potential Mr. Right.[8]
    • If your date drinks too much when you've just met him, this is a warning sign that he might have a drinking problem. You'll be more likely to notice his alcohol use if you're moderately sober yourself.
    • Be aware of drink spiking. Drink spiking can be done by adding additional alcohol to your drink or a dose of medication to your drink without your knowledge.
  3. Wait to make a commitment. If you're not sure whether you have a really close connection with a guy, don't commit to him right away. Strong relationships take time, and the right guy won't pressure you to commit before you feel ready.[9]
    • Commitment might mean sexual intimacy for you, or it might mean other kinds of trust.
    • Signs of a good guy will indicate that he's interested in you, not just interested in having sex with you.
  4. Trust your gut. If you don't feel like it's working out, it's okay to end a date. If you're staying to protect his feelings, because you want him to think well of you, or you don't want to seem like a prude, you're risking getting involved with the wrong guy. You're not being kind -- you're wasting your time, and his.[10]
    • Ways you can leave include pretending that you forgot another appointment or faking feeling sick, but you can also tell him the truth: "I don't think this is working out. No hard feelings."
    • Even if you've said you'd go on another date, it's okay to break that commitment. Just tell him that you won't be able to make it.
    • No matter how persistent he is, you don't owe him your time or your attention.

Starting a Conversation

  1. Find something interesting to ask him about. Don't rely on stale pick-up lines. Instead, ask about his tee-shirt, or make a comment about the circumstances you're in. Then follow up your question with something that connects with his emotions in an empathetic way.[11]
    • For example, you might ask, "What kind of coffee is good here?" and follow it up with, "I love dark roast -- it reminds me of a lazy morning."
    • In general, it's a good idea to avoid negative comments until you know him better. Otherwise, you might accidentally offend him.
  2. Ask an open-ended question. If you ask him a question that can be answered with either yes or no, you'll do little to further a conversation. Instead, ask him what book he's reading or what he's enjoying about the event.[12]
    • Open-ended questions often start with words like, “What...,” “How....” “Tell me...”
    • There aren't any right or wrong answers to open-ended questions.
  3. Ask him about himself. Most guys like to talk about themselves, and asking a guy questions about himself is a natural follow-up to an introduction if you don't already know him. If you've talked to him before, you can just open a conversation by asking him questions. These questions might be about the situation where you are, such as "What brings you to the mall tonight?" or might be more general, such as "What do you like to do in the summer?"[13]
    • Asking questions about his clothes can often be a good way to find out his interests. For example, if he's wearing a sports jersey, you can ask him if that's his favorite team.
    • You can also ask context-free questions of him, such as "What kind of movies do you like?"
  4. Build rapport with him. Rapport is a sense of shared perspective, a comfort in each other's presence. To do this, be genuine and warm with him. Building rapport is an important part of establishing trust. Even if you've just met him, treat him like he's worthy of value and respect.[11]
    • Avoiding judgmental attitudes, and basing your comments in an empathetic perspective can help encourage feelings of rapport.
    • Try talking to him like you already know him. Don't be inappropriate, but be as casual as you would with a friend.
    • Your first statement or question in the conversation isn't as important as the way you continue.
  5. Plan a follow-up question or comment. If your first social overture doesn't work, don't let it bother you. It's okay to try again to get the conversational ball rolling.[13]
    • You can either start a conversation about a different topic, or you can ask another question on the same topic.
    • The more often you try this, the better you'll become.

Tips

  • Use nonverbal cues/body language as a good way to let him know you're interested.
  • Ask him things like, "Do you like this outfit?" He will eventually realize your asking about that to look perfect for him and will appreciate the gesture and know you like him.

Warnings

  • Always arrange to meet a new guy in a public place until you trust him, especially if this is someone you've met online.
  • Pay attention to his words and his actions. If his actions don't match his words, then he's unlikely to be a trustworthy person no matter how attractive he seems.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201408/how-and-where-meet-women-or-men
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201404/pros-and-cons-online-dating
  4. ↑ http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/dating/10-great-places-meet-man
  5. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/meetpeople
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201203/why-women-cant-find-good-man
  7. ↑ http://observer.com/2015/10/guys-heres-what-its-actually-like-to-be-a-woman/
  8. ↑ https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/effects-on-your-safety/drink-spiking-and-date-rape-drugs
  9. ↑ http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/sleep-guy/
  10. ↑ http://womensvoicesforchange.org/why-did-i-stay-the-first-date-i-should-have-walked-away-from.htm
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201108/how-connect-date-or-mate
  12. ↑ http://www.doh.wa.gov/portals/1/Documents/Pubs/961-333-WICConnectsEnergizer-Open-EndedQuestions.pdf
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 http://www.succeedsocially.com/startconversations

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