Forget the Love of Your Life

Moving on in life after a serious romantic relationship can be an ordeal from which you might take a while to recover.[1] All the same, learning to grow beyond the pain of losing that person can open up new possibilities and facilitate your healing. Very few people find their ideal match without concentrated effort and some measure of resilience, after all, breaking up is an unfortunate reality of life until you find your mate.

Steps

Removing Reminders

  1. Delete methods of communication. This includes phone numbers, chat logs, and emails. It might hurt you to do this, but leaving yourself the option to call your ex in emotionally weak moments can be indicative of dependent behavior.[2]
    • It may also be wise for you to block your ex's number/email, to prevent any unwanted surprise contact.
  2. Get rid of physical reminders. Discard all of the special items that remind you of this person. Get rid of the things that remind you of your love. Some articles that can make a breakup especially difficult: clothing, jewelry, photographs, and gifts.
    • You don't have to throw everything away, but you may need time away from these items before you can fully move on. Why not box up any items that remind you of your ex and put them somewhere out of sight and mind?
  3. Make plans for special days. When your anniversary rolls around, or when there's a holiday that reminds you of your ex, make plans with other friends to take you mind off times you shared with your one-time lover. Did you and your ex watch movies every Monday? Call up a friend and make sure you have replacement plans for Monday night while you readjust to single life.[3]
    • Organize a party, outing, or dinner among friends to fill a lonely night with laughter and good times.
  4. Sever the social media lifeline. Seeing your ex gallivant around with someone new might make your heart ache and complicate moving on. Even if you have hopes of maintaining a friendship with this person down the road, understand that you may need time and space before you allow your ex back into your life.[4]
  5. Say goodbye in your own way. Some people find writing a goodbye letter, where you can summarize all your feelings and the hopes you had for the relationship, to be a useful tool to aid the healing process. You don't have to show them the letter, but the simple act of writing your feelings down on paper can bring you closure you need.[5]
    • Another technique you may find beneficial is confessing your feelings to this person in your head. The simple act of releasing bottled emotions can speed the healing process.[6]

Letting Go

  1. Give yourself time and understand that this too shall pass. These words might be difficult for you to swallow, and maybe even sound insensitive. Breaking up is tough, even if you're the one that left the relationship. But it's important to acknowledge that life goes on and that the pain you are feeling is a natural part of the human heartbreak and the healing process.
    • Each person takes a different amount of time to process strong emotions. Respect the time you may need to process this emotional change.
    • Though healing is an individual process, some studies assert it may take you up to 11 weeks before you finally feel free of the potent emotions associated with your romance.[7]
  2. Start a new project or take up a hobby. Even if you aren't particularly talented at it, the distraction provided by something new will help you turn your thoughts from your ex. Now that you're out of that relationship, it's time for you to rediscover what makes you happy and do it![8]
    • Exercise and enjoy associated mood boosting benefits.
    • Use art as therapy, which may be especially helpful if you are still uncomfortable expressing your feelings in words.[9]
    • Get a Dog Get a Cat for a Pet or a plant, as having a living thing depend on you can lessen your feelings of depression.[10]
  3. Join a group. You can volunteer in the community, participate in a book club at your local library, or enlist in an intramural sports league. The camaraderie of a new group can be a source of strength through a hard breakup. Some groups or group activities to consider:[10]
    • Community gardening groups
    • Community clean-up
    • Local sports teams
    • Tabletop gaming groups
  4. Learn to distinguish between the imagined and the actual. Sometimes, post breakup, it can be easy for you to only think of your past lover in a way that is more perfect than is possible. Try to identify where you've allowed yourself to believe something unrealistic, like when you tell yourself that you'll never find love again.
    • Think about your ex in terms of the positive, past tense feelings you used to have. Separating what was from what is can change your negative feelings for the better.[11]
  5. Hold no resentment. Despite everything that's happened, bring yourself to truly forgive your ex. If possible, go up to the person and tell him/her that you have been deeply hurt, but you forgive them for any negatives, both those perceived and real.[12] This will help you to let go, and relieve you from the cycle of negative emotions so common in breakups.[13]
  6. Use your logic to beat the blues. If your ex wasn't the best partner, getting over the breakup should be easier. Even though you might be hesitant to tarnish the good memories you hold precious, it can help you to focus on the healthier place you are in. In what ways can you now grow now that you are out of your relationship? Looking toward these can go a long way toward helping you feel better.
    • In the event your ex is genuinely a good person, be happy that you had the opportunity to meet. Remember that everyone that comes into our lives can be a potential teacher.
  7. Keep the faith. It's easy to become bitter or fall into negative patterns, but remember, that will not make you happier. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings does not mean becoming a slave to them. Reexamine your personal philosophy. Are you the sort of person who gives in to negativity? Will you allow your ex to exert this emotional control over you even after your breakup? Recognize your own emotional responsibility in the matter; you won't be able to blame your ex for your heartbreak forever.[14]

Moving Forward

  1. Learn from your former relationship. Remember that there is always love to give and there is much we can do to enrich our lives. Talk yourself through where you were before the relationship and the ways in which you've grown throughout your time together. The powerful connection between learning and memory and the mood benefits you'll receive from acquiring new knowledge will assist you in getting over your lost love.[15] Ask yourself:
    • What would I never have done before this relationship that through this relationship I could accomplish?
    • What were some strengths of my ex-partner? Did I learn from these or develop these in myself?
    • What did we accomplish together that I could never have accomplished by myself?
  2. Make a list of things you have always wanted to do. You've probably had to put some goals on hold, prioritizing your past relationship over your personal desires. Once you are done with the list, you will not only see how much life has to offer, you will also have some goals to work toward in the near future.[16]
  3. Don't stay home. You don't need money to walk down your street, look at the sky, enjoy a book or Enjoy a Sunrise, or other simple pleasures that life has to offer us.[17] Also, a change of scenery can have a powerful impact on your mindset; the first step you take on your walk may be the first step toward a better mental state.[18]
  4. Meet your friends, both old and new. Or go out with the goal of making friends. In any case, the happiness of your friend-group could positively influence your own mood.[19] A good way to meet like minded people is to join a club related to your interests. Studies have shown that being with friends and people of a similar mind can:
    • Calm you
    • Increase your sense of belonging
    • Increase perceived self worth
    • Assist in overcoming challenges[20]
  5. Refrain from talking about your ex-love. This can turn into a sore point among your friends, who might find your repeated laments too negative to be around. Take some time to acknowledge the support of your friend-group so they don't get burned out helping you process your loss. Try saying things like:
    • "I know this breakup's been especially bad for me, and I'm sorry about venting to you all the time. You've been such a good friend through all this. I'm so thankful for your support."
    • "I wanted to thank you for forcing me to go out the other night. I was mopey and a little depressed, but a night out was exactly what I needed."
    • "You've been so patient with me through all this. Thank you. Without you here to listen and give me advice, this would've been so much more difficult for me."
  6. Surround yourself with positivity. It may be encouraging for you to put positive quotes in visible places around your home. Or maybe you should plan a viewing marathon of a show or movie that never fails to improve your mood.
  7. Talk to an expert or trusted adult in serious cases. Many people struggle with difficult breakups. These can be a huge emotional shock, and you might need the emotional support of a professional or someone more emotionally experienced to reach a place where you can heal. A psychologist, an older family member, a friend or a school counselor can guide you through the process. Talking it out can help you release the stress, gain advice, and build your self esteem.[21]

Tips

  • Guard against irritability. Friends and family may have only good intentions, but your heartbreak might cause you to interpret these as less than sensitive. Accept that you will be a little emotional until you come to terms with your loss.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/17/corinne-mucha-get-over-it_n_5592469.html
  2. ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
  3. ↑ https://www.firstwivesworld.com/index.php/my-narcissistic-ex-husband/item/8960-how-to-survive-your-anniversary-after-divorce
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
  5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/20/finding-closure/
  6. ↑ http://www.thehealthsite.com/diseases-conditions/why-bottling-up-emotions-may-be-bad-for-you/
  7. ↑ http://www.bustle.com/articles/59646-how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-breakup-science-says-three-months-so-keep
  8. ↑ http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/five-ways-kick-start-your-life-after-breakup
  9. ↑ http://tinleyparkpsychologicalcounselingservices.com/archives/1846
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 http://clearyourstress.com/beat-depression/finding-your-center-5-hobbies-that-can-help-you-overcome-depression-and-anxiety/
  11. ↑ http://elitedaily.com/life/psychology-closure-long-really-takes-get-ex/912245/
  12. ↑ http://www.mysahana.org/2011/05/emotion-suppression-effects-on-mental-and-physical-health/
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201010/anger-forgiveness-and-healing
  14. ↑ http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/responsibility.htm
  15. ↑ http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/8430
  16. ↑ http://www.sofeminine.co.uk/be-in-love/get-over-someone-you-love-s1489966.html
  17. ↑ http://psychologia.co/how-to-get-over-someone/
  18. ↑ http://riskology.co/habit-environment/
  19. ↑ http://www.nbcnews.com/id/28058552/ns/health-behavior/t/your-happiness-could-be-contagious/#.VgAMyvlViko
  20. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/09/benefits-of-friends_n_5568005.html
  21. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/cognitive-therapy
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