Get a Girl to Like You when She Likes Someone Else

You're hitting it off with a girl, and you're just about to ask her out on a date. Suddenly, she casually mentions her boyfriend. Your heart drops. Many guys have been put into this situation, and it's never easy. You need to respect the relationship. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be her friend. You shouldn’t try to convince her to break up with her boyfriend, but maybe if you’re both single at the same time she’ll consider you!

Steps

Becoming Her Friend

  1. Ask about her interests. If you want to establish a friendship, you need to ask questions. Showing interest in what she's passionate about will quickly bond the two of you. Believe in the power of random questions in getting to know her.[1]
    • Ask how she would describe herself. It's a quick way to learn about her personality. It may be a bit of a shortcut, but she'll get to describe herself honestly.
    • Figure out what she's proud of. Positive questions will get her to talk about her accomplishments, traits, and skills.
    • Ask questions revolving around "favorites," such as movies, TV shows, or musicians. You may have common interests, and this will create an immediate bond.
    • Ask her opinions about things your passionate about. If she knows you’re into something and you want to know what she thinks about it, she’ll know you value her opinion.
  2. Compliment her personality. While you may find this girl attractive, you're trying to become friends, not hit on her. Avoid complimenting her looks, as this can make the situation uncomfortable, especially if she has a boyfriend.[2] Instead, tell her something specific about her personality that you appreciate.
    • Women want to be appreciated for what they do or who they are, not what they look like. If you've heard her speak publicly and enjoyed it, tell her so. Speak in specifics about something positive that you've observed about her character.
    • Above all, a compliment should be sincere. Don't pull something from a movie or a website. Observe something that you admire about her and share this admiration.
    • Women like compliments, but you need to respect their personal space. Don't overdo it with the praise, as it may seem desperate or put on.
  3. Help her out. There are many different ways to express love to another person. When starting a friendship, you'll want to express love in a friendly way. Doing an act of service works well in bonding an individual to you.[3]
    • These acts of service can range from cooking her a meal to picking her up from an appointment. People often need help, so extending favors to her shouldn't be too difficult.
    • Remember that actions speak louder than words. You can tell her that she's great, but you need to prove that you're there for her. These acts of service help solidify your reliability as a friend.
  4. Make her laugh. Laughter can really be the best medicine as it elevates mood and helps to build strong relationships with friends.[4] Humor will attract her to you. It will also smooth over any initial embarrassment or awkwardness in the first steps of your relationship.
    • Laughing creates a positive bond between two people. All good friendships should be founded in positivity.
  5. Create inside jokes between you two. Only you will understand these jokes, making them more intimate. Sharing things between only the two of you solidifies your friendship.

Gaining Her Trust

  1. Do not flirt. This is hugely important. If you like her, try to put the romantic part out of your mind as much as you can. This is really hard, but you have to tell yourself its either being her friend or nothing at all. Don’t ruin your friendship by letting your feelings show and making things uncomfortable.
  2. Act the way you would around your male friends. If she sees you act the same around her as around your male friends, she’ll trust you and know you’re not putting on an act for her. This doesn’t mean you have to act gross – just don’t try to constantly impress her.
  3. Spend quality time with her. To enhance your friendship, you'll want to give her your undivided attention for long periods of time. [5] Spending many hours alone together will change your relationship for the better. Remember to keep it friendly at all costs.
    • One key aspect of quality time is a quality conversation. It’s always important to maintain eye contact and listen intently. Don't distract from the conversation by doing something else.
    • Compliments and services may not be enough to gain her trust. Spend long periods of time talking with her and listening to her feelings. This will bring your friendship to a deeper level of trust and comfort.
  4. Comfort her. As your friendship grows, don’t be afraid to give her some attention if she needs it. If she's ever experiencing some intense challenge, be present in comforting her. [6] Reach out to her if you know she's in trouble. You don't want her to feel alienated.
    • Things might get complicated if she's having relationship issues. Be an open vessel of kindness and support. Don't let your personal feelings get in the way of helping her. You must be a friend first.
    • Help her make small decisions about her issue without dictating too much. You don't want to boss her around, but you don't want to be too passive.
    • Let her cry if she needs it. If you give her this level of emotional support, she'll be immensely thankful.
  5. Listen. To truly gain her trust, you need to listen intently to her problems. [7] Practice active listening. You'll want to be able to repeat what she says back to you, as well express your opinions about her issues. Even if you don't agree with her, you still must listen intently. She will give you the opportunity to state your opinions. Let her express herself fully before you interrupt her train of thought.
    • Avoid distractions when you're talking to her. Sit close enough to her to pay attention to what she says. Focus all your energy on her when she's speaking and remember the details as specifically as possible.
  6. Share things about yourself. After listening intently to her, reveal a piece of you. [8] To experience real emotional closeness, speak about yourself. She will appreciate active listening, but forming trust requires two vulnerable parties.
    • Establishing trust requires an unspoken contract between you and her. Pay attention to what she needs, but let her take care of you too.
    • Most people want to listen to others. Don't feel self-conscious about speaking about your issues. You deserve to be heard.

Expressing Your Feelings

  1. Be aware that you might ruin your friendship. If it’s too hard for you to continue to be her friend, you’re allowed to tell her the truth. In some ways, it might be selfish – keep this in mind. You’re going to cause her some serious heartache because you were unable to wrap your mind around the fact that she is unavailable. You may not end up being friends at all if you tell her you have romantic feelings for her.
  2. Tread carefully. Always express your feelings in a healthy way. You want to talk through the situation without being rude or harsh with her. [9] She may be surprised when you reveal that you are into her, so you don't want to make her feel self-conscious.
    • Any accusation, even accidental, will hurt you. Never make it seem like she was leading you on. Say something along the lines of “I hope you don’t feel like I’m betraying our friendship, but the more time I spend with you the more I like you. I know you like someone else, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. But just know that if there ever comes a time when you feel the same way about me, I’ll still be just as into you.
    • Share feelings effectively by starting with the phrase, "I feel." If you start by saying, "you make me feel..." and then express your emotional state, she will feel like she's being accused.
    • State your feelings from your own perspective. This will ensure that you're speaking about your subjective experience. Don't allow her to feel victimized.
  3. Respect her situation. Remember that she's already seeing someone else, or that she likes someone else. Even if you feel that you are a better fit for her, you've put her in a difficult position. Remember that, like you, she has complex thoughts, plans, dreams, and hopes. [10] Her relationship gives her comfort and safety, and you've just challenged this with your feelings.
    • Search for verbal cues when you tell her how you feel. If she attempts to change the subject, she may be uncomfortable about the circumstances. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, just keep it short and simple and then leave her alone.
  4. Recognize her boundaries. If you've solidified your friendship, then you should have an understanding of her boundaries. Don't cross them while you're telling her this information. Even though you've probably shared physical intimacy before, this situation is a bit different.
  5. Open up completely. Being completely emotionally honest with anyone isn't easy. Before being emotionally honest, you must be fully emotionally aware. Share your true self by shedding all emotional walls. [11] If you speak openly, you'll feel better about yourself regardless of her decision.
    • You have the freedom to decide when it's best to share your real feelings. Complicated situations like this one require radical honesty. If you aren't willing to say everything, then she may not fully understand your situation.
    • Society tells us to repress our true feelings, especially if they could be considered "inappropriate." Telling a taken girl that you like her isn't the most acceptable action. Having said that, your feelings are real. You are entitled to tell her the truth.
  6. Honor her decision. In the end, she may not choose to pursue you. Even if you've supported her, she may value stability more. It's tough because you've probably built up a dream about your relationship. [12] While she does have some perfect qualities, remember that she's also imperfect.
  7. Don't let bitterness or sorrow overtake you. You knew that you were entering dangerous territory by falling for a taken girl. Respect your friendship by respecting her decision.
    • Because you two have cared for each other in the past, this decision will be harder. You may have to get some healthy space.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.smartlivingnetwork.com/relationships/b/id-and-ego-getting-to-know-you-the-15-best-questions-to-really-get-to-know-someone/
  2. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/05/how-to-compliment-a-woman-without-objectifying-them/
  3. ↑ http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/02/acts-of-service/
  4. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/fixing-relationship-problems-with-humor.htm
  5. ↑ http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/01/speaking-the-love-language-of-quality-time/
  6. ↑ http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/
  7. ↑ http://www.studygs.net/listening.htm
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199309/intimacy-the-art-relationships
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201305/how-express-feelings-and-how-not
  10. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/11/05/how-to-respect-other-peoples-boundaries//
  11. ↑ http://eqi.org/ehon.htm#Introduction
  12. ↑ http://www.detoxorcist.com/romance-relationships-rejection.html
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