Get a Good Boyfriend

A good relationship depends on love, respect and good communication. Finding a good boyfriend can be difficult, especially if you’ve been burned in the past by bad relationships. Spend some time getting to know what you want in a relationship, and identify how a certain guy might fit the bill.

Steps

Knowing What Kind of Relationship You Want

  1. Make a list of your values and wants. Think about the things you value most and that you want in a healthy relationship. What are the things you will not compromise on? What are things that are less important to you?[1]
    • For example, if you want to have kids, you will want to find a partner who also wants kids. If you practice religion, you will likely want to find someone who will participate with you.
  2. Know yourself. When you head into a new relationship, take time to analyze yourself. Know where you’re coming from, and understand where you’re heading. This is especially important in terms of how you conduct yourself in relationships. If you know yourself to be a jealous person or you are insecure in relationships, then strive to understand why you feel this way. What lessons have you learned from previous relationships that you can apply to the new relationship?[1]
  3. Be yourself. In order to find a partner who is a good fit, you need to be yourself. It is not productive or healthy to constantly pretend to be someone you’re not. As the relationship progresses, this will become more tiring and dishonest. Be yourself with your potential boyfriend. If he likes you the way you are, then the relationship might just succeed.[2]
  4. Stay away from toxic relationships. Toxic relationships are those that impact you negatively. This might be someone who is manipulative, physically or verbally abusive, controlling, jealous, chronically angry, or isolating. These types of unhealthy relationships will not allow you to flourish or be happy, and they will erode your self-respect.[3]
    • A good boyfriend should not make you afraid, tense, or stressed. Rather, this person should help alleviate these feelings.

Looking for a Potential Boyfriend

  1. Ask your friends if they know anyone. Many relationships happen between friends of friends. Plus, you have the added benefit of your friend knowing you well and being able to assess the compatibility between you and someone else. Ask your friends if they know anyone who might be a good match for you.
    • If you think it’s appropriate, ask a few co-workers if they have single friends who are looking for a relationship.
  2. Look for a potential boyfriend at places you like. Do activities that you like to do and go to places you like. This will raise your chances of finding someone with similar interests. Starting with common interests can make for a strong relationship.[4]
  3. Be open to encounters. You never know where you’ll meet someone great, so be open and friendly with people. Strike up a conversation with that guy you always see commuting to work, or chat with a handsome stranger in a bookstore.
  4. Try online dating. There are a lot of dating websites, such as Match.com, E-Harmony and others, which have good track records for bringing people together. There is less stigma around meeting potential partners online now than in previous years, so take advantage of this option to expand your circle of potential partners.

Making a Successful First Date

  1. Take care of yourself. Show that you feel this relationship is important to you by taking care of your appearance and dressing up for a date. You don’t have to wear something that makes you uncomfortable, but show that you have put in some effort for a first date. If you project confidence in your appearance, your date will likely view you this way too.
  2. Engage in positive body language. Nonverbal communication can convey just as much as verbal communication. When you’re on a first date, positive body language will signal your interest to your date. Try these steps for conveying positive body language:
    • For example, maintain eye contact with your date. This demonstrates your interest in his company, and his interest in yours.
    • Smiling will convey that you feel easygoing, open and relaxed.
    • Don’t stand too far away. If you’re attracted to the other person, move a little closer in physical proximity.[5]
  3. Talk to each other as friends. A cornerstone of a long-lasting relationship is friendship. When you get to know each other as friends, you will form a good foundation for a solid relationship. Even when you are first meeting, such as on your first date, talk with each other as friends, sharing interesting stories about yourselves.[6]
    • If your potential boyfriend shows interest in you by asking you questions and giving you time to share, this is a good sign.
  4. Don’t rush to judgment. Your date is probably just as nervous as you and may make a few mistakes. Unless they’re deal-breakers, like he made really racist comments all through dinner, think about giving him a second chance.
    • If you aren’t sure if there is physical chemistry immediately, you might find that it will develop. Consider meeting again to see how things go.[7]

Observing a Potential Boyfriend

  1. Think back to your first impression of him. First impressions will often mark the success of a relationship, even if we’re not deliberately thinking of first impressions in this way. When we meet someone new, especially a potential partner, we are evaluating whether this initial interaction is positive or negative. If it is positive, we will likely seek more information about the person. If it is negative, we may find that the relationship will be too much effort.
    • Similarly, we may be subconsciously looking for similarities between ourselves and this potential partner. We are more likely to pursue a relationship with people who are similar than those who are dissimilar.[8]
  2. See how he interacts with his friends. A guy’s interactions with friends may show you what he’s like when he’s very comfortable. If you’re just getting to know this guy, he might not yet be 100% comfortable with you yet. His friends, on the other hand, may have known him for years, and he may act more relaxed around them. Get a sense of what your potential boyfriend is like with others.
    • Pay attention to how he treats you in front of his friends. If he is rude or indifferent to you, this is a problem. You are, after all, one of his friends too, and you deserve just as much respect as the others.[9]
  3. See how he interacts with other women. Your potential boyfriend should treat all people with respect, and if he is respectful to other women, that’s a good sign.
    • Observe how he interacts with other women when he’s with you. Is he overly flirtatious, or does he only have eyes for you? Does he comment about how attractive other women are? There’s a fine line between innocent behavior and behavior that signals potential cheating. If you’re bothered by his behavior, talk with him calmly about it.[10]
  4. See how he interacts with strangers. How a person conducts himself in public is a good indicator of how he will conduct himself with you. Is he rude to wait staff? Is he helpful when someone is looking for their dog? These interactions will help you understand the kind of person he is.
  5. See what your family and friends think of him. When your boyfriend meets your family and friends, they will form certain opinions of him. These can often be valuable because you’ll see how others view him. If you trust your family’s opinions, ask them what they think of your boyfriend. Do they see the positive things you see?

Identifying Positive Traits

  1. Make sure he treats you with respect. A good boyfriend will give you the respect you deserve. He is considerate of your feelings, he listens to you, he is supportive, and he trusts you.[11]
    • He should also have respect for himself. Having self-respect means that he thinks that he is worthy of your attention, he can accomplish things, and he is comfortable with himself.
  2. See how well he communicates with you. A strong relationship relies on good communication. Your boyfriend should be honest with you, and should be able to talk calmly about problems without yelling or insulting you.[12], [13]
    • Good communication also requires listening. A good boyfriend will pay attention to what you’re saying and take it to heart.
  3. Find out his own life goals. A good boyfriend has goals of his own, such as certain career goals that he’d like to achieve. His path to achieving these goals will demonstrate how motivated he is. He will be proactive about pursuing these goals, rather than whining about how he can’t do something.[12]

Spending Time Together

  1. Cultivate some common interests. A good relationship will flourish when you have common interests and do things together. You might go snowboarding together or join a language class. Your relationship will last longer when you commit to doing active and interesting things together.[14]
  2. Do each other’s favorite activities. Although you and your boyfriend have common interests, you also have your own interests. In a successful relationship, both partners will make an effort to do each other’s favorite activities from time to time.
  3. Make sure he turns off his phone. A good boyfriend will pay attention to you, not his phone. It’s okay to check messages once in a while, but if he is constantly checking sports scores or social media updates from friends, his attention is wandering away from you. A gentle reminder to put away his phone may be warranted, but if you have to constantly remind him, there might be a larger conversation about why he is choosing to ignore you.
    • Make sure you also turn off your phone. He needs to feel like you’re paying attention to him too.
  4. Get affectionate with each other. A good boyfriend will be affectionate with you by being physically close and cuddling. Your physical chemistry is important for long-term happiness, so good sex is definitely important. But it’s also important to be affectionate with hand-holding or snuggling while watching a movie.

Maintaining Your Other Interests

  1. Spend time with your friends. Don’t ditch your friends in your quest to find a boyfriend. It’s important to have multiple types of friendships in your life. Go out with your friends or spend a night in watching a movie or cooking together.
    • Don’t turn every friend night into a boyfriend-finding mission. When you’re too consumed with finding a partner, your friends might think you’re not interested in them at all.
  2. Cultivate your own interests. Keep developing yourself as a person. Grow your interests, both personally and professionally. If you want to try a new hobby or sport, go for it. If you want to get a new certification to help you at work, do it. It’s important to bring forth your own goals and pursue them.
  3. Spend time on your own. Give yourself time to spend by yourself. This will give you an opportunity to understand yourself better, to develop your own voice, to relax, and to think deeply.[15]
    • Take yourself on a reading date. Bring a good book to a café, order some coffee and a croissant, and treat yourself to an hour of uninterrupted reading.[16]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://web.csulb.edu/divisions/students/hrc/health_topics/choose_partner.htm
  2. ↑ http://datingtips.match.com/act-new-boyfriend-13443451.html
  3. ↑ http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/toxic-relationships/index.aspx
  4. ↑ http://datingtips.match.com/boyfriend-very-shy-13197164.html
  5. ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/13075/Read-Your-Dates-Body-Language/
  6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-brennan-rosenberg/5-tips-for-successful-fir_b_4531438.html
  7. ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/9059/First-Dates-In-Your-50s/
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/adventures-in-dating/201410/the-extraordinary-importance-first-impressions
  9. ↑ http://www.gurl.com/2011/11/21/relationship-advice-guys-act-differently-towards-you-in-front-of-friends/
  10. ↑ http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-boyfriend-is-staring-at-and-flirting-with-other-women/
  11. ↑ http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/what-respect-really-means-in-a-relationship/index.aspx
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 http://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/signs-and-qualities-that-make-a-great-boyfriend
  13. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships/how-can-I-communicate-better
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/200911/10-habits-happy-couples
  15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201201/6-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone
  16. ↑ http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/the-secret-to-self-loving/
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