Handle Divorce Anger

Feeling angry during or after a divorce is normal, but excessive anger can interfere with your life and damage the other relationships in your life. If you are struggling to handle your divorce anger, then you may need to find ways to express your feelings, develop new coping mechanisms, or work on preventing your anger from developing and escalating. Learning how to handle divorce anger may take some time, but with practice you should be able to start living a happier, calmer life.

Steps

Expressing Your Anger

  1. Seek help from a therapist. If you are struggling with anger due to your divorce, then you may want to seek help from a therapist before you do anything else. A therapist can help you to identify the sources of your anger and learn healthy strategies for dealing with your anger.[1]
  2. Write about how you feel. Journaling can be an effective way to express your anger and to understand the reasons behind your anger as well. By simply writing about how you feel, you may start to notice patterns and you can use these patterns to figure out what triggers your anger regarding your divorce.[2]
    • Try making a list of everything about your ex that makes you feel angry. What does your ex do or say that makes you feel angry? Then, for each item, try to identify at least one potential solution that you can work towards as a long-term goal.
    • For example, if you feel angry at your spouse for cheating on you, then you might decide that a possible solution is to forgive your spouse for this offense. Keep in mind that you do not have to achieve this goal overnight. Check your progress once per month to see how you are doing.
  3. Talk to someone about how you feel. Sharing your feelings with a friend or family member can also be a good way to express your emotions. Call someone up the next time you feel angry and share your thoughts and feelings.[2]
    • Talk to a friend or family member who is willing and able to listen to you without judgment. Don’t talk to someone who is also close to your ex-spouse because it might be uncomfortable for him or her. You may also want to choose someone who can empathize with you, such as someone who has also been through divorce.
  4. Join a support group. Support groups can also provide opportunities for you to express your feelings and gain some validation from others. During these sessions, you may find comfort from sharing your feelings with people who can relate, hearing about similar struggles, and getting support from the group.[3]
    • Try joining a support group for people who are also going through a divorce for another healthy way to express your feelings.

Coping with Anger

  1. Use calming strategies when anger strikes. Although it is important to express your anger, it is not helpful to become enraged. Therefore, you should develop some calming strategies to deal with anger. Some good ways to calm yourself down include:[1]
    • Meditating. Meditation is a great way to get focused on the present and tune into your body, which can help to defuse your anger. If you have never meditated before, then you may want to consider taking a class.
    • Doing deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing is a natural, easy way to calm yourself down. Inhale a slow, deep breath into your abdomen, and then exhale slowly. Repeat this process for about 10 minutes, or until you start to feel calm.
    • Counting to 10. Try closing your eyes and counting to 10. This should give you a chance to calm down, but you can always count to 10 again or pick a higher number such as 50 or 100 if counting to 10 is not enough.[4]
  2. Exercise more. Getting plenty of regular exercise can also help to defuse your anger and improve your overall sense of well-being. Try taking kick-boxing classes, starting a running program, or taking up rock climbing.[5]
    • You might also consider getting a punching bag. Hitting something when you feel angry may help you to feel less angry.
    • Try yoga. Yoga is a great way to strengthen and tone your body while also quieting your mind. Try taking a yoga class to get some exercise and relaxation at the same time.
  3. Find new social opportunities. During a divorce, your anger may cause you to feel isolated and you may start to withdraw socially. Instead of allowing your anger to isolate you, try to build some new social connections.[3]
    • Try to find ways to meet people with similar interests. For example, you might take a class at your local community college, join a book club, or get involved with a local charity.
  4. Avoid taking anger out on your loved ones. While it is normal to feel anger from your divorce, it is not appropriate to take your anger out on your loved ones.[6] If you find yourself lashing out at friends and family members due to anger at your spouse, then seek help from a therapist right away. Lashing out at your loved ones can cause permanent damage to these relationships.
    • To determine if you are taking your anger out on others, start paying closer attention to your behavior and attitudes. If you are mistreating your loved ones and/or feeling justified in doing so, then you may be directing your divorce anger towards your loved ones.

Preventing Angry Outbursts

  1. Watch for physical signs of anger. Anger can cause certain physical symptoms that may help you to determine when you need to use your calming strategies. Some of the physical symptoms of anger include:[1]
    • feeling like you stomach is in knots
    • clenching your fists or teeth
    • feeling short of breath
    • getting a headache
    • having a flushed face
    • feeling restless, like you need to move around
    • not being able to focus
    • feeling tense, such as in your shoulders and neck
    • having a racing pulse
  2. Identify thought patterns that may lead to anger. Certain thought patterns may also lead to anger or escalate your anger. Learning how to spot these patterns may help to defuse your anger. The next time you find yourself thinking a negative thought, try to challenge it. Some thought patterns that can lead to anger include:[1]
    • Overgeneralizing. For example, you might get angry when you find yourself thinking, “She was always dishonest with me!” To reframe this thought, you might change it to something like, “I have some issues with trust because of the instances where my ex-wife lied to me. However, I don’t have to keep feeling angry about these events.”
    • Jumping to conclusions. For example, you might get angry if you think to yourself, “He is trying to get full custody of the kids to avoid paying any child support!” Instead, try changing the thought to something like, “I feel upset that he wants full custody, but I do not know his reasons for wanting full custody.”
    • Blaming. For example, you might get angry when you think to yourself, “It’s all her fault that I am so unhappy!” Instead, you might change the thought to something like, “I have been depressed lately, but there may be lots of reasons for how I feel.”
  3. Steer clear of situations and places that are likely to anger you. Putting yourself in a situation that you know is going to make you angry is a bad idea. Therefore, if it is at all possible, try to avoid these situations and places.[1]
    • For example, if you get angry when you see your ex-husband with his new girlfriend, then you should avoid going places that you know they like to go. Or, if you tend to argue with your ex-wife when you drop off your child at her house, then you might ask a friend or family member to drop off your child instead.
  4. Consider anger management classes. If anger is a persistent problem in your life, then you may want to consider enrolling in an anger management class. Anger management classes can teach you how to identify the reasons for your anger and help you to develop healthy strategies for expressing and controlling your anger.[1]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/anger-management.htm
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/coping-with-divorce-related-anger
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/reduce-the-stress-of-a-divorce/
  4. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/anger-management.htm
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201301/want-be-happy-5-ways-handle-anger
  6. ↑ http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/dealing-with-anger-during-a-separation-or-divorce-parent-connection
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