Know if Your Boyfriend Is Using You

It’s not a fun feeling to experience. You think you’ve found a great guy, and you’re excited to claim him as your boyfriend. However, something just feels off. Whether it’s a gnawing feeling in your gut, red flags in his behavior, or warnings from friends, you’re on high alert. Is your boyfriend using you? If you think he is— whether it be for sex, money, popularity, whatever— it’s important you get to the bottom of it and figure out if he’s going to be your boyfriend for much longer.

Steps

Analyzing Your Suspicion

1. Think about when he wants to spend time with you. Does he only want to hang out with you at night? Maybe he coincidentally only has time for you when you have an invitation to a cool party. Start paying close attention to when he wants to see you, because this can say a lot about his intentions.
2. Consider where he wants to spend time with you. If he only wants to be in the bedroom, that's a huge red flag. If he never wants to take you around his friends, but would rather always be alone in his home, that may mean he isn't interested in making you a public and "official" part of his life.
3. Jot down a list of all these red flags and warning signs. Think about the details of each. Consider things like how often he says or does something that bothers you, or makes you uneasy. Making a list is a great way to gather your thoughts and voice the concerns that may have only been brewing in your head up until now.
   • Is this a repeated behavior, or are you holding a grudge over something he did once, six months ago? While you should look out for yourself and stand your ground, there are also times when you have to be willing to forgive and forget if he's said sorry.
   • Forgetting to call you when he said he would is annoying. Blowing you off on your birthday because he had something else to do is unacceptable. Go down the list and be honest about how bad his actions are, and how down they make you feel.
4. Talk to friends and family that you trust. Sometimes people around you can see things that you can’t. Rumors, warnings, and advice from people can all be useful when you’re feeling conflicted. Keep in mind, however, that only you and your boyfriend are in the relationship.
   • Don’t air out the dirty laundry of your relationship to anyone and everyone who will listen. This can create more problems. Only consult trustworthy and well-intentioned people.
5. Decide what to do. If you've examined the situation, spoken to people you trust, and decided your suspicion is silly, decide how to move on. Maybe you have some confidence issues you need to address to feel secure in the relationship. If you are certain that there are valid reasons to be uneasy, then you'll need to figure out how to confront the situation with your boyfriend head on.

Observing and Experimenting

1. Stop giving him what you think he wants. In other words, think about whatever you think he is using you for, and get rid of it completely. Then, observe his reaction. In a healthy relationship, there should be several things that make your partner feel happy and fulfilled. If the relationship suffers greatly because of one change, this might be a problem.
2. Tell your boyfriend you want to cool off for a bit if you think he's using you for sex or other physical affection. If he only wants to hang out in the bedroom at night, tell him you’d rather start going out during the daytime. When he initiates physical intimacy, remind him that you aren't interested right now. Ask him to respect your boundaries.
   • If you aren't sure what to say to him, say, "I want to focus on our emotional connection, so let's hold off on the physical stuff for now." His reaction will let you know if he's using you or not. If he cares about furthering the relationship without sex, he will stick around. If he doesn't want to be with you if he isn't getting the physical intimacy he wants, ditch him.
   • Remember, it is your body. The most important thing is that when you say "No," your boyfriend respects that.
3. Protect your money if you think that's what your boyfriend wants. Tell him that you don’t feel comfortable spending money anymore, and give an excuse if you need to. It’s completely understandable if your boyfriend doesn't have the money to spoil you, but it’s not OK if he demands that you spoil him. If the interest is gone when your money is gone, that’s bad.
   • Tell your boyfriend, "I really need to start saving my money, so I am going to cut back my spending a lot." Then, if he asks you for money or to pay for something, you can remind him of this. Again, his reaction will tell you what you need to know.
   • The same approach can be taken with any other thing your boyfriend might be using you for, such as popularity, gifts, etc. It may seem tough at first, but a quality boyfriend will stick it out if he thinks the relationship is worth it.
4. Notice the things he does for you. When you feel like you’re blissfully in love, you may not notice if your boyfriend isn’t doing anything for you. It’s easy to be so infatuated with someone that you make excuses for them. However, start paying attention to the things he does, or doesn't do, for you. This doesn’t necessarily mean bouquets of roses and fancy dinners— this just means basic ways of showing he cares.
5. Recognize the difference between sweet compliments and flattery. If he tells you he loves your sense of humor and wants to listen to your problems, he probably genuinely cares. If he raves about your beauty right before asking for a favor, watch out.
   • Take special note of the things he does when he gets no benefit in return. If he does nice things simply to make you feel good, that’s a great sign.
6. Take some time to be alone. You don’t have to make a big announcement to your boyfriend that you need a “break,” but find a way to get away for a little bit. It can be easy to accept bad behavior or ignore warning signs when you are in the presence of your boyfriend. Whether you’re blinded by love or intimidated by the thought of refusing him something, you may not be able to think clearly when you’re with him.
   • When you’re away from him, reflect on the relationship. Are you getting from him the same amount that you give to him? Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial.
   • By giving him space, you also will be able to see how he does on his own, without whatever he might be using you for.

Talking to Your Boyfriend

1. Plan a time to talk, and approach the situation calmly. It’s important to let him know you’d like to have an important discussion, otherwise he may get defensive and upset with the abrupt ambush. This will give him some time to reflect on your relationship and prepare for a thoughtful conversation. By planning to talk, you also have time to calm down, gather your thoughts, and figure out how you will address him.
   • It is crucial to enter the conversation calmly and with a level head. Even if you feel hurt or angry, the conversation will not be productive if you spend it crying and cursing at him.
2. Lay out your concerns. Be blunt, but do not attack him. Don’t minimize how you’ve felt, or sweep any of your feelings under the rug. Your emotions are valid, and you shouldn’t shy away from expressing yourself just because it may be uncomfortable. By laying your feelings out on the table, you allow him to give an explanation, to comfort you, to ‘fess up, or to improve his behavior.
   • Start your sentences with "I" instead of "you" so he doesn't think you are attacking him. Saying something like, "I feel sad when we only spend time together at night" will sound better to your boyfriend than, "You only call at night and I hate it."
3. Let your boyfriend talk. Even if you are absolutely certain that your fears are warranted and he has been using you, it will give you closure if you let him explain himself. Avoid interrupting him, as this will only increase the tension of the situation. If you disagree with something he is saying, wait until he is finished speaking to address it. By giving him the floor, you can analyze his reaction after you've placed your concerns on the table. Is he remorseful and apologetic, or defensive and rude?
   • Remember, your feelings are valid. Even if your boyfriend believes he has done nothing wrong, don't let him make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
4. Decide how you will move forward, either as a couple or alone. Once you’ve addressed what has been on your mind and your boyfriend has heard how you’ve been feeling, decide how you’ll proceed. If he doesn’t offer an explanation and apology that provides comfort and optimism about the future of your relationship, perhaps it’s time to end the relationship.
   • If you plan on staying with your boyfriend and are satisfied that he is in it for the right reasons, make sure that you create a plan with him. If your feelings are being hurt and you’ve felt like you’re giving more than you’re getting, you need to figure out how to correct these issues. Otherwise, you’ll end up back in the exact same situation.
5. Remember what you learned, and use it. By recognizing things that make you uneasy, standing your ground, confronting the situation, and moving on, you invaluable information. You recognize what you will and will not accept in situations, you how to handle conflict, and you hone your conflict resolution skills. It is painful to be used, but it gives you the opportunity to demand respect and better treatment in the future.

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Sources and Citations

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