Weigh the Costs of Cheating on Your Wife

If you are married, cheating can come with serious consequences. People cheat for many reasons, but often fail to weigh the repercussions of those actions until later. This often leads to regret and guilt for having cheated. If you are considering cheating on your wife, you should consider the possibility that you will be caught or that you might regret your decision even if your wife never finds out.

Steps

Considering the Costs of Being Caught

  1. Consider the emotional damage to your wife. When your wife discovers your affair, it can have a devastating effect on her and your marriage. She is likely to lose her trust in you, which will be difficult to overcome if you intend to stay married. Your affair might also damage her sense of self-worth. Aside from the repercussions you’ll face, you will have hurt your wife immensely.[1]
  2. Consider the long term effects that the affair will have on you. Most cheaters eventually feel a sense of guilt and shame. Though your wife is likely to shame you and remind you of why you should feel guilty, much of your guilt will be internal. Knowing that you did something that caused pain and unrest in your marriage is likely to haunt you whether the marriage ends or not. This can even break down your sense of self-worth.[2]
  3. Know that your kids will be affected. They will feel the tension and disconnect between their parents. This tension will make them feel insecure and stressed at home, and often lead to behavior problems. Whether you choose to continue or end your marriage, your children's lives will be changed by your affair.[3]
    • If you choose to remain married, your children will be living in an emotionally unstable home as you rebuild the trust in your marriage. Children understand and see a lot more than adults think.
    • Cheating parents are also linked to long-term trust issues in their children.
  4. Consider your friends. For the most part, married couples usually have the same friends. This means that when you cheat, those friends will feel forced to choose a side to offer their support (and it probably won’t be yours). Whether you divorce or not, your friends will likely be uncomfortable around you and/or your wife for a long time.
  5. Realize that you will most likely be caught. There are many reasons that cheating is difficult to get away with. Even if you keep your affair a secret in the beginning, you are likely to get careless or make a mistake like forgetting to delete a text message from your other lover. You also have to worry about the other person contacting your wife, or people you know seeing you with the other person. The constant stress and worry of getting caught should be considered before jumping into an affair.

Recognizing the Costs Even if You Are Not Caught

  1. Imagine how you will feel after the affair. It is often hard to see past the pleasure and excitement of an affair. People who cheat are often plagued with guilt. This guilt can have a severe impact on your life and how you treat your family members. Often, the guilt can even lead to other issues like depression, anxiety, and paranoia that your wife is cheating.[4]
  2. Remember that there is at least one other person involved. Your new partner might also deal with guilt. An extramarital affair is usually a very surface level love. Eventually, you or your lover will want more out of the relationship. This will either take your affair to an even greater level of complexity or it will end the affair. There is also a chance that the guilt will drive the other person to confess the affair to your wife or someone else.[1]
    • Consider what you would do if your new partner said they wanted more and were telling your wife whether you wanted them to or not.
  3. Consider the risks involved in your affair. Keep in mind that, depending upon the circumstances of your affair, there may be a risk of getting your lover pregnant. Consider this risk carefully. If you already have a family, this could mean that you would be juggling two families.
    • If you are not interested in having a child with your lover (and pregnancy is a possibility), use proper protection.
    • Realize that you could contract an STD and pass that along to your wife.
  4. Count the cost of your extramarital activities. Hotel rooms, secret cell phone accounts, and extra dates with your lover are expenses that you might incur during an affair. If you aren’t careful, these expenses could also be used against you in a divorce case to help determine a settlement or alimony amount to be paid to your spouse. They also leave a paper trail that can get you caught in your affair.[5]
  5. Realize that your affair will not solve your marital problems. Many people cheat on their wives as an escape from rough patches in the marriage. This might feel good at the time, but it will not fix the problems in the long run. When the affair ends, you will still be faced with the same marital problems as before, except now they will be compounded with the problems created by the affair.

Looking at the Possibility of Divorce

  1. Think about the cost of divorce. Depending on the amount of personal property you have or whether you have children, you may feel the need for a lawyer. Lawyers charge by the hour and the rate is often above $300 per hour. Even if you don’t need a lawyer, divorce will cost you in many ways:[5]
    • Your assets will likely be divided. This includes your home, vehicles, retirement, and savings.
    • If either of you signed a prenuptial agreement, you may walk away from the divorce with little to nothing. On the other hand, many prenuptial agreements have a “cheating clause” built into them which could leave you paying out a large settlement.
    • Depending on your financial situation, you may be required to pay your wife alimony after a divorce.
  2. Double your living expenses if you separate for a while. Even if you don’t get a divorce, simply separating is expensive. You will be dividing your household income into two sets of bills such as rent, food, and utilities. This will put further strain on your marriage and lifestyle, and likely lead to a divorce down the road.
  3. Consider the emotional costs to any children involved. If divorce is the outcome of your affair, your children’s lives will change dramatically. They will no longer live with both of their parents all of the time. They will have two homes and two families. They may even have to change schools, move to a different home, or move to a new state.[6]
    • Though cheating may not always have a direct effect on custody matters, it will likely push the court to judge you in a harsher light.
  4. Think about extended family. In the event of a divorce, your entire family, including people like your mother or brother, will be losing a family member. Some members of your family may have gotten very close to your wife. They may also feel hurt and betrayed by your indiscretions.

Tips

  • Think about all parties before deciding whether or not you want to cheat on your wife.
  • Decide what you want out of your marriage. Do you want to remain married or do you want a divorce?
  • Consider separating from your spouse instead of cheating on your spouse.
  • If you are not interested in a divorce, consider seeking therapy to help you deal with your desire to cheat on your spouse.

Warnings

  • Even a single cheating event could result in permanent damage in your marriage.
  • Even if you think that you have covered your tracks, you are likely to be caught by your spouse during your affair.
  • You may lose the trust of many loved ones, not just your spouse.

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/health/march99/infid033099.htm
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair
  3. ↑ http://aboutaffairs.com/2008/12/how-do-affairs-effect-children-part-i/
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/loves-evolver/201005/why-its-good-feel-guilty
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/18/your-money-does-cheating-_n_2323208.html
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201112/the-impact-divorce-young-children-and-adolescents
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