Know if the Boy You Love Is a Player

Most girls (and women) have been there. They're worried a guy they like is a player. How can you tell for sure? There are telltale signs that the boy you love is a player but these aren't always 100% accurate. However, when a lot of these red flags crop up, you would be wise to be wary.

Steps

Knowing How a Player Talks

1. Study his smoothness. Boys who are players aren’t going to be nervous, stammering types around a girl. They will seem almost too practiced, and they will flirt with you with ease: Because it’s a game to them, and they’ve done this before.
   • For example, they will always have a perfect opening line or conversation starter, probably including a flirty joke that sounds like something they’ve used before. You will think he’s “prince charming” and like you can do no wrong in his eyes.
   • They are brimming with confidence around you, and they act a bit glib. That means that they talk with ease and say everything that a girl would want to hear. However, they speak in generalities rather than including details that are meaningful to you.
   • And they do this before they have a chance to really get to know you. They say these things very early on in their efforts to make you a quick conquest (the key word is "quick"). It sounds a little artificial, but some girls overlook that because it also feels good to be the object of the boy’s attention. These boys go over the top to impress.
2. Spot over-the-top flattery. A guy who is a player will seem more interested in you than anyone has before. At first. However, he will then cheat or just leave you once he gets what he wants, which is physical intimacy and/or your affirmation.
   • To increase his chances of scoring, he will try to get you to fall for him by making you feel extremely important. He is a master at this. It’s hard not to fall for when a guy you’re interested in showers you with flattery. A player may also read poetry to you. He will become a chameleon, figuring out what interests you and pretending it interests him too so you are amazed how much you have in common.
   • It’s nice if a boy says positive things to you. To spot a player, you need to pay attention to how soon he does it, how much he does it, and to what degree. A player will be almost over-the-top in his flattery toward you at first.
   • There is a word for this. It’s called “love bombing.” He bombs you with terms of endearment, praise, listens attentively to everything you say, pampers you, and basically acts like you’re on a pedestal. And he does it right away. His flattery will focus primarily on your looks, such as your pretty eyes or great body.
3. Pay attention to what he never says. There are certain words that a player is likely to never say to you. Although the player is very talkative, he’s not going to sacrifice being in control.
   • A player is unlikely to say “I love you.” There are a few players who will say this just to get what they want and not mean it, but generally speaking, a player won’t utter those words because he doesn’t want you to think this is long term.
   • A player won’t say that it’s up to you to decide what to do when it comes to going out. That’s because he’s not really interested in your life, hobbies, desires or activities. A player stays in control of the timing and venue. He might even require that you only meet inside his or your home so others don’t see you.
   • If he tries to have sex with you and doesn’t have a condom, it’s less likely he’s a player. A player will always come prepared because he does this a lot. You may discover you don’t know much about him or what you thought you knew was wrong.
4. Pay attention to how he talks about past girlfriends. If a guy is a player, he’s probably hurt a lot of women or girls before. In order to throw you off the scent, he will project his behavior on them. He will act like he was victimized by them.
   • That means that he will trash talk his exes, by calling them “psycho” or “crazy” and basically trying to make you think that he was the victim and the breakup was all their fault.
   • If he does this repeatedly or about more than one person, you should start questioning whether the person engaging in bad behavior was actually him.
   • Are there girls who suddenly show up in the scene and act with hostility toward you? Maybe it’s because he recently led them on. Pay attention to how girls treat you, and pay attention to how many girls are in his orbit. Players always seem to have a lot of girls around them, especially desperate-seeming girls who seem angry at them.

Knowing How a Player Acts

1. Notice if he flirts with other girls. A guy who is a player isn’t going to be satisfied with just the attention of one girl, you. Instead, he will seek affirmation from many girls and in many corners, and he will sometimes do this when he is with you.
   • He likes being in the spotlight, and he derives pleasure from female attention. He wants to “capture” as many girls as he can, as if making another notch on his belt.
   • He will do this by flirting with many girls because he likes to have many girls chasing him or interested in him. He will entice girls to crush on him by indicating interest in them through things like steady eye contact.
   • He will flirt with playfulness by smiling, telling jokes, and initiating friendly conversation. He will do these things to you. And then he will do them to others, sometimes when you’re not there or looking and sometimes even if you are; then he will deny he was flirting with other people.
2. Spot whether he moves too fast. A guy who is a player is interested in physical contact with you right away. Since that’s often his central goal, he sees no reason to take it slow. He is eager to cut to the chase and get what he’s really after.
   • He will see no reason to develop any emotional intimacy because all he is really interested in is physical intimacy. Thus, he will go for it faster than a guy who is truly interested in developing a longer term relationship with you.
   • He will touch you on the first date, perhaps by kissing you (or even trying to move farther if you will let him). He sees no reason to patiently wait.
   • By the second date, his patience will be exhausted, and he will likely try to initiate some type of physical intimacy with you. If he senses that you want to go slower and don’t give him what he wants, he will probably move on to someone else he has a better chance with because his central goal is physical intimacy.
3. Study his actions. A lot of girls make the mistake of focusing on a boy’s words instead of paying attention to his actions. A player will do things like act like it’s a chore to find time for you. It’s a cliché but true: Actions speak louder than words.
   • His flowery language may be designed to flatter you by luring you into liking him. To determine whether the boy you love is a player, focus on what he does, not what he says. Actions reveal more and they are harder to fake.
   • Does he text you at the last minute instead of trying to develop a strong in-person relationship? This can be a sign of a player. Someone who isn’t a player will do things like call you or ask you to study in the library. A player will rely on texting and try to make hasty last-minute plans. If he always controls the timing of when he sees you, that’s bad too (especially if he vanishes for long periods of time).
   • Does he ask you to go on actual dates? Does he want you to meet his parents or his friends? These are all signs that he is not a player. A player will try to stage a hook up behind the scenes without introducing you to others. If he's mysterious and hides aspects of his work schedule or life, be very suspicious.
   • The player will text you right as bars are closing or, if he’s underage, he will text you at the last minute and try to see you. That’s because he doesn’t really want it to be a date. Or he might not want anyone to see you with him because he has other girls he’s doing the same with right now.
4. Watch his body language. A player thinks he’s charming, and he plays it to the hilt. He’s a flirtatious, overly confident, braggart. He thinks he’s all that, so he doesn’t try to pretend to be humble.
   • Watch how he walks. A player will swagger when he walks. He will almost strut, walking with utter confidence. He will smirk sometimes, as if he has a hidden secret.
   • A player will touch other people a lot, putting his hand on their lower backs and putting his hand on their shoulders, often while uttering a compliment. That is, except you. A player will show more physical affection with you in private, but may avoid public displays of affection.
   • A player will be an extrovert, who is very outgoing, talks a lot, and enjoys being the center of attention. He will use a lot of direct eye contact, and will move into yours and other people’s personal space. In fact, intense eye contact is one of the strongest signs of a player.
5. Figure out whether he answers the phone right away. A player won’t be able to answer the phone right away all the time. The reason: There are people he doesn’t want to know about you, and he might be with one of them at that time.
   • Perhaps he’s with another girl. Perhaps he’s with guy friends. Perhaps he’s with family members. The key is that he doesn’t want them to know you’re calling.
   • Thus, he screens his calls. He will call you back, but he doesn’t answer the phone right away. Similarly, if he doesn’t answer his phone when you’re with him, it might very well be another girl calling him that he doesn’t want you to know about.
   • The same goes for texting. If he takes forever to respond to a text, there could be a reason for it: He’s busy with someone else. He will closely guard his phone, password protecting it and showing that he is trying to keep you from using it. He certainly would never let you see his texts.

Smoking out Whether a Boy is a Player

1. Analyze whether you’re impulsive around him. Boys who are players will try to trigger impulsiveness in you because this works out to their advantage; they want you to violate your boundaries on physical intimacy fast.
   • He stokes your impulsiveness by making you think there’s an instant emotional connection, perhaps even saying that you might be soulmates or sending you songs that are romantic or imply the same.
   • He’s trying to get you to cross your boundaries so that he can get what he is after, which is physical intimacy.
   • He will lose interest fast in a girl who reasserts her boundaries, who seems very cautious, and who requires patience because he’s not really interested in a relationship.
2. Make him wait. The best way to sort out for sure whether a guy is a player or not is to make him wait a significant time for any physical intimacy with you.
   • If he’s not a player, but is just really into you, he will be OK with this. In fact, he will value and respect you more because you are not “easy.”
   • If he’s a player, he will be annoyed by this. He will try to cajole you into breaking your boundaries anyway, and, when this doesn’t work, he will dump you. Be aware there are some players who can wait a long time to get what they want and will dump you the second they do.
   • When he does dump you, he won’t look back and will move onto the next conquest. He will turn from excessively flattering and warm to cold and distant overnight. He might disappear and stop returning texts and calls. It’s true that a lot of boys are interested in physical intimacy even though they are not players. However, the difference is: Is he open to developing emotional intimacy too?
3. Pay attention to whether he keeps you secret. A player will have a reason to either keep you secret or just to downplay your relationship to others so that he can keep playing the field with other girls.
   • The reason is sadly that he wants to keep his options open to mess around with lots of girls, and if he tells people he has a girlfriend, other girls might stay away.
   • It’s important to see whether he tells other people about you, and whether he downplays the state of the relationship to them if he does.
   • In other words, does he say things to you that indicate you’re exclusive or he’s into you romantically, but around other people he acts like he barely knows you or you’re just a friend? If he’s downplaying you, he’s probably a player.
4. Pay attention to his relationships. Other people around him, who have known him longer, will have had time to see his patterns. Check out his other relationships, and maybe talk to some of those people.
   • For example, does he have a lot of friends, boys and girls, who think very highly of him? If they don’t, they’ve probably observed his bad behavior one time too many. If his male friends are also known players, that’s obviously a bad sign too.
   • Is he mostly friends with girls? That’s a bad sign. It means that guys have figured out he’s not a very good person, and he doesn’t like the male competition. A player will barely mention his family to you, either, because he’s not really trying to bring you into all aspects of his life.
   • Is he still connected to his ex in a way that goes beyond being nice (talking, texting, making plans with her?) He’s probably not available emotionally to you if he is. Do girls like him or do they seem desperate around him, like they think they have a connection with him (or did) and are now angry at him or vying to get his intention? If it’s the latter, he probably did to them what he’s about to do to you.
5. See whether he cares a lot about his appearance. It’s good if a boy cares if he looks nice. That’s not the point. But if he’s over the top about it, there’s a greater chance he’s a player.
   • For example, a player will spend a lot of time working out and will brag about and show off his muscles. He puts a high premium on physical appearance.
   • This will extend to how he dresses. He will likely be seen in nice clothes, including flashing expensive labels to show off.
   • His car will also be flashy. There’s nothing subtle about this guy. He uses his body, his clothes, and his car to draw girls.
6. Check out his social media. The way a guy presents himself on social media can give you a sense of whether he is a player or not. If he is a player, he will use social media to try to attract girls.
   • Check his relationship status. There are some boys who are in a relationship but will pretend they are not on social media. Do you think you’re his girlfriend, but he pretends on Facebook that he’s got no attachments? Do you think he’s single, only to discover that on Facebook he’s indicated he’s in a relationship with someone else?
   • Players will have lots of people on their friend list, including many attractive girls. They use social media to show people how attractive they are. Their comments on Instagram and Facebook will be flirty in nature; girls will be flirting with them, and they will flirt back. If he's only interested in an online relationship with you, he's probably hiding something.
   • Their photos and videos on social media sites will be designed to showcase their physical attractiveness. They will post pictures without their shirt for example. Other girls post comments that are overtly flirting to him, and he seems not to mind or dissuade them from doing it.

Tips

• Notice if he stares at girls when you're around. This means that he may not be listening to you or caring too much about the conversation.
• If your family members or friends hate him, there's probably good reason.
• Do people refer to him as a player?
• Take note of how he treats you around his guy friends.
• Do you have all of his contact information? If you don't, that's a bad sign.

Related Articles

• Act Around a Guy You Like
• Date a Guy That Likes Another Girl
• Know if a Guy Likes You

Sources and Citations

See also

• Flirt with Girls in Middle School
• Get a Boy to Like You Without It Being Obvious
• Get a Boy to Kiss You when You're Not Dating Him
• Flirt in Middle School
• Flirt With a Guy With Your Eyes
• Tell if a Girl Is Flirting With You
• Avoid Being Accused of Flirting
• Know if a Boy Likes You in Sixth Grade
• Flirt in Seventh Grade
• Make a Guy Jealous Through Texting

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