Live with Your College Kid over Summer Break

Your kid is coming back from college for the summer and you may be wondering, rather nervously, how you will adjust. Do not worry, however, because by discussing and negotiating house rules for the summer, you may be able to reduce conflict and tension between you and your college kid. You will also need to come to terms with the idea that your role as an authoritative parent has changed. Finally, let your college kid know that you are happy they are home and well.

Steps

Negotiating House Rules

1. Make a list of possible conflicts. Examples of issues that are possible sources of tension are use of the car, curfews, food, cleanliness/household responsibilities, money, working and rules for inviting people over. Sit down and make a list of issues to discuss. Next to each item, write down what you are willing to negotiate.
   • For example, you could write, “Curfew: you don’t have to have a curfew, but I expect you to tell me where you are and what time you plan on being home.”
2. Show your kid the list. Do this within the first week of your kid’s arrival. Once they are settled in, sit down with your kid to explain the list to them. Give them time to look over it. Encourage them to write down what they are willing to negotiate and to add any new items they can think of.
   • For example, you may want a 1 a.m. curfew, but your kid may point out that they are used to not having one and do not think they should have one just because they are home.
3. Make a compromise. Go over the updated list with your kid. When there is a disagreement about a rule, try to be flexible. Remember, if you try to enforce old high school rules on your kid, then they are more likely to resist. Try to come to an agreement that you and your kid are both satisfied with.
   • For example, if they disagree with the idea of having a curfew, then compromise by telling them that they must check in with you to let you know where they are and what time they will be home.
4. Post the rules. Do this once you and your kid have come to an agreement about the rules. Type them up and post them somewhere visible, or give them a copy. This way, no one can say, “I didn’t agree to that.”
   • You may need to update the rules as the summer progresses and new situations arise.

Re-Defining Your Role as a Parent

1. Treat them like an adult. Instead of being an authoritative adult, listen to and respect your kid’s decisions, ideas and opinions. Additionally, try to avoid doing everything for them and spoiling them.
   • For example, let them make dinner for themselves a couple nights a week.
   • If you are discussing an important topic, listen to what they have to say and then give them your opinion.
2. Let your kid decompress. Try to avoid bothering your kid about household and work responsibilities once they get home. Instead, let your kid take it easy for a week. This will allow them time to unwind from the stress of finals, as well as time to adjust to the changes of being home again.
   • For example, instead of bothering them about sleeping in, let them sleep in the first week they are home.
3. Set realistic work expectations. Don’t expect your kid to get a full-time summer job or a paid internship right away. Give them time to find work that they like and want to do. Let finding work be their responsibility.
   • Also, be aware that today many internships are unpaid. However, they look great on a resume. So try not to give your kid a hard time for not finding a paid job or internship. Instead, be supportive and congratulate your kid for their effort and motivation.

Embracing the Experience

1. Give them a warm welcome. Once your kid arrives home, let them know that you are happy they are home. Simple gestures like cooking their favorite meal or cleaning their room for them before they get home will relay the message that you are happy they are home. Keeping the pantry and refrigerator stocked with food while your kid is home is also a nice gesture.
   • Focusing on the positives will help set the tone for the rest of the summer. This way you can ensure that your summer is as smooth and relaxing as you imagined.
2. Accept them for who they are. It is highly likely that your kid has changed, at least a little bit, since they went off to college. Instead of criticizing their new lifestyle or identity choices, be accepting of them. And try to avoid bombarding them with tons of questions about their choices. Instead, wait for them to come to you to talk about these things.
   • If you are uncomfortable with some changes, try to remember that some behaviors and attitudes last while others don’t. Unless it is something very serious, like drug use, it is not worth getting hung up on.
3. Spend some one-on-one time with your kid. It’s normal for your kid to want to spend time with their old friends. However, ask them to save some time for you as well. This way, you can get your much needed alone time with them before they head back to college.
   • For example, plan a weekend trip with them to a favorite destination, or plan a trip to a waterpark or an amusement park.
   • If you or your kid do not have time for a trip, then make dinner plans once or twice a month, or catch a movie.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Balance Work and Parenting As a Single Parent
• Practice Conscious Parenting
• Practice Self Care As a Parent
• Respond when Your Child Wants to Quit
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids
• Stop Your Child from Gossiping
• Be a Good Parent
• Give a Spanking
• Determine if a Child is Transgender
• Stop Your Child From Masturbating in Public

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