Respond when Your Child Wants to Quit

Most children will start at least one activity that they later regret. This leaves you faced with the dilemma of what to do when your child wants to quit. You can often avoid the whole issue by letting your child choose their own activities, but if the time comes that they do want to quit something, you’ll have to talk to them about it. Ultimately, you will need to be supportive of their final decision, no matter what that is.

Steps

Talking About Quitting

1. Ask your child why they wish to quit. It is important to understand why your child wants to quit something. Find out if the activity is too hard, if they are struggling to find balance in their lives, or if there are social reasons that they want to quit. Also, keep in mind that they may just find the activity unpleasant or boring.
   • You could say something along the lines of “Why have you suddenly decided that you want to quit? I thought you always enjoyed this activity.”
2. Avoid negative labels on quitting. Children learn by trying new things. If there is a stigma around quitting in your household, it will discourage them from trying new things and lock them into things that they do not like. This will limit their learning experiences and make it less likely that they find an activity that they truly love.
   • For example, saying things like, “Once a quitter, always a quitter,” is not productive or true.
3. Discuss alternatives to quitting. Sometimes the desire to quit arises from difficulties in the activity rather than dislike of it. In this case, there may be ways to work through the problems and continue the activity. Have a conversation with your child about how to work it out so that they could continue the activity.
   • For example, if your child wants to quit a sport because it doesn’t leave them time to spend with their friends, you could suggest continuing the sport but spending more time out with friends on the weekends.
4. Draw a line. While autonomy is important, there may come times that you have to say ‘no.’ Children are not developed enough mentally and emotionally to grasp the severity or long term implications of every decision. In cases where the decision to quit will seriously harm your child’s future or well-being, it is your responsibility as a parent to make them push through. When this happens, it is best to give your child a reason that they can’t quit whatever activity is frustrating them. If possible, show them examples (e.g. statistics on the success of high school dropouts).
   • For example, if your child wants to quit high school, you should (almost) always say no. They are likely to be upset with you, but reassure them by saying something like “I know you think this will solve your problems, but I want you to have more opportunities in your future.”
5. Make sure your child understands that you are still proud of them. Even if your child does decide to quit, you should support them. This will show them that you are still proud of them, and you still love them. This support will give them the confidence needed to try another activity in the future.

Dealing with Consequences

1. Allow your child to evaluate the consequences. Quitting always has consequences. Sometimes, these are good (e.g. relief). Other times these consequences are regrets and missed opportunities. Discuss the consequences with your child, but allow them to decide if the consequences warrant quitting or pushing through.
   • For example, you might say something like, “Do you understand that if you quit, you cannot change your mind next week?”
2. Insist that they fight their own battles. If your child does insist on quitting, you should insist that they discuss it with their teacher, coach, etc. Do not opt to have that conversation for them, and do not let them simply stop showing up. By having a conversation with the person leading the activity, they may find that they can work through the problem and continue the activity.
   • You could tell your child something like, “I support your decision to quit, but only after you have had a conversation with your teacher about your concerns.”
3. Allow natural consequences. If your child chooses to quit an activity, allow them to feel the consequences. Consequences handed down by parents often seem random and misplaced to children. Natural and logical consequences are easier for children to understand, because they come as a result of an action (or inaction).
   • An example of a natural consequence to quitting might be that the child no longer gets to see their friends at practice each night.
   • Remind your child that they chose to quit, and that these consequences come with quitting. You can say something like “We discussed this before you quit. I respected your decision, but now it’s too late to rejoin the swim team. You’ll have to wait until the next season.”

Reducing the Likelihood of Quitting

1. Understand your child’s interests. As a parent, you may accidentally project your interests onto your child. This can lead to pushing your child into an activity that they have little interest in. Instead, consider your child’s interests when discussing possible activities.
2. Allow your child to choose their activities. Though you may direct your child toward activities that you think would be a good fit, you should leave the final choice up to them. This gives them a sense of control and responsibility. It also makes them more accountable to what they have chosen.
   • When your children are too young to know what activities are available, present them with a few activities to choose from.
3. Try selected activities in short bursts. If at all possible, avoid jumping into a new season without first trying the activity. Take a few sessions to start out, or attend a day camp centered around the activity. This way, your child has the opportunity to change their mind about the activity without having to quit it.
4. Frame each new activity as a trial. By framing each new activity as trying something new, you give your child permission to form their own opinion of it. If they try it and like it, they can continue the activity. If they don’t like the activity, they can move on to the next one.
   • For example, if your child wants a pet and promises to care for it, you could consider allowing them to dog sit for a neighbor or friend. If they change their mind about caring for a pet, you aren’t stuck with the pet. If they don’t, there’s a better chance that they will stick with caring for their own pet.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Balance Work and Parenting As a Single Parent
• Practice Conscious Parenting
• Live with Your College Kid over Summer Break
• Practice Self Care As a Parent
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids
• Stop Your Child from Gossiping
• Be a Good Parent
• Give a Spanking
• Determine if a Child is Transgender
• Stop Your Child From Masturbating in Public

Read more ...