Take a Zen Attitude to a Break Up

Having a Zen attitude about a break-up, especially after a fresh split, may seem close to impossible. Regardless of who broke it off, the surge of emotions, the feeling of loss and possibly the regret of how it ended may have you feeling anxiety-ridden and completely stressed out. Your head knows that freaking out won’t help you move on, but your heart has something completely different to say. Instead of being overwhelmed with emotion and driving down depression highway, try to take a more peaceful, Zen approach to the break-up. It may not come easy, but with time and practice you too can reach a higher level and eventually feel much better.

Steps

  1. Examine why you broke up with honesty and compassion. It is fairly standard after a breakup to put on the rose colored glasses and to see all the perfect aspects of the relationship, while not noticing what was far from ideal. Bewilderment at the loss can cause you to seek shelter in platitudes and convictions that show the best of your ex and the relationship you once had. However, as time passes, some hairline cracks appear, to let through a few disgruntled memories. At this stage, it's time to start focusing on the real reasons for why the two of you broke up, so that you can seek peace amid the turmoil. Common reasons for the end of a relationship include:
    • Too many arguments. Arguing and disagreeing with someone on a daily basis can take a toll not only on the relationship, but also on your psyche and self esteem. While some couples feed on the excitement of arguing and then subsequent making up, most people become exhausted and distracted from other aspects of life.
    • No mental or physical attraction. In order to have a healthy, balanced relationship you need to have both physical and mental (or cerebral) attraction. Convincing yourself to stay with someone based on looks or personality alone can only take you so far and eventually you’ll stray from the relationship. However, if you felt it on both ends, but your partner didn’t you must remember that you deserve to be with someone who is both mentally and physically attracted to you too.
    • Relationship timing was off. Perhaps your schedule or his or her schedule was too hectic or one of you had to move to another city––either way, scheduling and location problems can often cause problems in a relationship. Instead of wallowing in the break-up, take it for what it is––a break. Give your sorrow to a higher power and consider the relationship to be a possibility in the future. If it was meant to be you will find each other again.
    • Somebody cheated. Cheating is the enormous red flag in a relationship. If you were the person who strayed, understand that you should have first broken it off with the other person instead of betraying the relationship. However, what’s done is done and you must move on no matter what. And, if you were the one who was wronged, try to remember that you wouldn’t want to entrust your love to someone who would seek romance in the arms of another while still being in a relationship with you––you deserve better.
    • The whole dating thing was a bit of a game. Perhaps not for you but perhaps for your partner, or perhaps both of you never really knew whether you meant to stay committed seriously. If one or both of you thought this relationship was just about having a good time, then it's likely that a deeper connection was never going to be made.
  2. Give yourself time to grieve. Getting to a Zen place is most likely going to take time but that is good in itself because you are allowing yourself to get over something that was of worth to you rather than trying to rush to a place of feeling good again. People who refuse to face the pain of a break-up tend to risk rebound romances, in which they haven't worked through the painful issues of the past relationship and tend to project their pain and wants onto the new partner, even going so far as to substitute the ex with the new person and not seeing the new date for who he or she really is. Allow yourself the grieving space, which sometimes will feel as painful as mourning a loved one who has died. It’s a loss in your life and the only way to come out on the other end with health and peace is to properly grieve. Some psychologists believe that grief is comprised of five to seven stages including:
    • Isolation. A time when you need to be alone and reflective. Typically this first stage materializes while you are still somewhat in a state of shock. If you like to meditate, do so when going through your phase of solitude.
    • Anger. Often you will feel anger not only toward the other person but also toward yourself or perhaps to any surrounding circumstances. Anger can be let go through reflection and detachment but you need to acknowledge the anger first.
    • Bargaining. At this point you may try to regain control of the situation by thinking about ways you could have handled it differently. Typical thoughts include: "If I only were more attentive to his or her needs", or "If I had only found him funnier."
    • Depression or feeling low. Nearly everyone who experiences a break-up may feel some level of depression or the blues. Be aware of how deep your depression dips––if you wallow for more than a month or two and have thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, you must seek psychological attention immediately. Be especially alert if you're already prone to depression, in which case, see the doctor after two weeks if your mood isn't lifting.
    • Acceptance. The stage where you feel at peace and accept the break-up is when you can finally move on.
  3. Embark upon healthy living. Dive bombing into a large bottle of wine, accompanied by Ben and Jerry’s ice cream may sound like ideal way to handle a break-up; however, the sugar and alcohol will only make you feel crummier. When experiencing the break-up doldrums, you want the endorphins to start pumping so you can start to feel better. Ways to reinvigorate yourself include:
    • Ditch all alcohol, sugar and greasy food in the pantry. This may sound insane but you need to eat a clean diet in order to start feeling physically (and mentally) better. Go and buy healthy food and grab a really cool, appetizing healthy food cookbook to get you started.
    • Hit the gym hard. Exercise can help you to conquer the blues, as exercise releases endorphins, those important “happy hormones” that help us to think a little more clearly and maintain a sunnier outlook toward life.
    • Keep good friends close. An afternoon seeing your favorite comedy film with a close pal can keep you from wallowing in sadness. Also, talking it out over dinner with a group of buddies will remind you that you are loved and have a secure support system.
  4. Try relaxation techniques. Deep breathing and visualization can take you that Zen place and help you recover from a hard break-up. Some types of relaxation techniques to explore include meditation, deep breathing, visualization and brainwave audios. Practice these techniques whenever you feel anxiety creeping up on you or every morning before you face the day.
  5. Practice letting go of attachment to this relationship. From Buddhist thinking, the idea of attachment and non-attachment is equally applicable to all walks of our life where we have pinned our hopes too much to someone and need to find ourselves again, as well as letting go of that person's influence on our lives. Spend time reading about the ideas of attachment and non-attachment and see how to apply this to your current path forward. In particular:
    • See your feelings for what they are––often ways to block ourselves from moving on because it is more comfortable to wallow in sorrow and suffer than to acknowledge the feelings but then let go of that familiar way of coping. Ultimately, causing yourself to suffer is not coping, it's hurting your chances of a full recovery.
    • Don't hold onto the old relationship. If you do, you are trying to hold onto the past, to something familiar but now illusory.
    • Seek to enjoy the present, to be in the moment.
    • Let go, in order to let happiness back in.
    • Realize that letting go takes daily commitment and recommitment; it isn't meant to be easy but if you're consistent, it will eventuate.
    • Learn to spot those negative moments and stop them. When they threaten to overwhelm you, openly acknowledge the thoughts and then redirect your thoughts toward letting go. Dwelling on trying to get back what has gone is an attempt to stay attached; seek to control only what you can control––your own thoughts.
    • Stop justifying. Let go of the "if only's" and "I can't live without's"; realize just how destructive these thoughts are, in that they are fantasies that limit and imprison you. Start believing that you're strong enough to face the future and do things to show this to yourself, such as enrolling in something, seeing your friends or writing it all out in a novel and getting it published.
    • Allow yourself to grow. See yourself as a fluid––the person you were when dating your ex has gone. You are now moving on to another stage of your being, realizing more self-discovery and ways to keep finding your true self.
  6. Become whole again. Romantic love tends to suggest that we become enmeshed and "we two are one". Not only is this setting up two individuals for a potential co-dependent mash, it's just not realistic. You do not complete someone else, just as they do not complete you. You are whole, separate and real whoever else is in or out of your life. If you've let this wholeness slip during the breakup, restore it by accepting that you do not need to be with someone to be whole. Love is not about saving each other; it's about celebrating each other for who we are and who we keep becoming through our own inner exploration and external compassion.
    • Treat this breakup as a learning experience in how to hold people lightly. There is always a risk that if you hold too tightly, you suffocate. And while there is a risk that a person let go may never return, it is better that they make the choice to stay around based on truly loving you than feeling bound to you.
  7. Interact with more people. Get out there and meet people, not because you want to date them, but because you genuinely want to connect with others. This isn't the time to pursue a "replacement"; instead, celebrate who you are in relation to other people and realize that whether or not you're in a committed relationship with one person, there are many other people out there who need your love, motivation and compassion. By connecting more widely, you'll learn how it's possible to love without controlling, clinging or neediness so that when that right person does walk into your life again some day, you will already be a fulfilled person, ready to have a relationship of equals.
  8. Make a conscious choice to choose peace and Zen over fear and blame. You can make the difference simply by choosing to see the future in a more positive light and to regard this relationship as a lesson in your life rather than a weight you cannot bear. See things for what they were, keep practicing letting go and allow the space to grow for the rest of your life. Ultimately, wish your ex the best in your thoughts and truly mean it, thereby setting your thoughts to Zen.

Tips

  • Give yourself a break. If you feel like crying or sad from time to time, let yourself feel bad for a little while. You don’t have to pretend that you are “fine” when you are not.
  • Don’t jump into another relationship immediately following your break-up as a way to find happiness. The best way to be peaceful is to find happiness within you.
  • While healthy living and other positive endeavours are an excellent way to move forward, doing these with the attitude of "i'll show him/her what they're missing" is decidedly anti-zen and not helpful to letting go.

Warnings

  • If you continue to feel overwhelmed by the break-up for several months seek professional help. The goal is to move beyond what has happened––if you feel as if you are stuck in a rut, find a healthy way to move forward with the help of a therapist.

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Sources and Citations

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