Talk to Your Teenager about Masturbation

It may be one of the more awkward conversations you can have as a parent, but promoting safe and healthy sexual practices in your teenager is part of your responsibility. You can learn to inform yourself about masturbation and sexuality to make the conversation as educational and free of awkwardness as possible.

Steps

Getting Informed

1. Decide whether or not to address the issue. It may not always be appropriate to bring up the topic of masturbation with your teenager, depending on your cultural or religious attitudes toward it. In general, it's good to take the opportunity to educate your teen about sexual health and safety, having a general "birds and the bees" conversation, but it's not always necessary to discuss masturbation specifically.
   • There's no one way, and no right way, to approach this issue. On one end of the spectrum, some sex-positive parents might find it appropriate to encourage masturbation, or even give a sex toy to a teenager and talk specifically about the difference between love and sex, while other parents on the other end of the spectrum may find the idea abhorrent.
   • Above all, you need to decide what you're comfortable with and what attitudes and behaviors you want to promote for your teenager as they're coming into adulthood.
2. Take the opportunity to educate. According to most recent studies, an improved understanding of masturbation is critical to a comprehensive understanding of healthy adolescent sexual development. Instead of simply telling your teen to stop masturbating, or telling them that masturbation is normal, you should consider helping them understand how it is a part of sexual health and well being. While the conversation might seem awkward, keeping it focused on the following topics will help to alleviate the awkwardness. Take the opportunity to educate your teenager about:
   • Health and cleanliness
   • Common misconceptions
   • Moderation
3. Put yourself in your teenager's shoes. If the subject of sex is awkward to discuss between parents and teenagers, the subject of masturbation is possibly even more so. It's also a teachable moment and an opportunity to promote health and safety, so it's not necessarily something to ignore. It's important for you to take a step back, relax, and plan what you'll say and how you'll say it.
   • Your reaction to the fact that your teenager is masturbating may form a big impression on your child's body image, the way your child understands sexuality, and the way your child develops into an adult. It's important to keep this in mind.
4. Temper your cultural or religious concerns. There's nothing psychologically or biologically wrong with a teenager who masturbates. In fact, masturbation is a normal part of healthy sexual development. But for some parents, the primary concern, if there is one, with their teenager's masturbation has to do with religious or cultural concerns. If you were raised to think that masturbation is morally wrong, it's still important to put your teenager's health at the fore of the conversation.
   • You don't have to discuss whether or not masturbation is "wrong," even if you think it is. Instead, focus on cleanliness, pornography, and other tangential topics, to make sure your teenager doesn't develop bad habits.
   • Most religious texts do not address the topic of masturbation at all, leaving this form of sexuality in somewhat of a gray area. It's not recommended that you ever make a "big deal" of the situation, or attempt to discourage or shame your teenager. Masturbation is extremely common, physically and psychologically normal, and isn't harmful in any way.
5. Correct common misconceptions about masturbation. It's likely that your teenager has already heard a lot of urban legends and hearsay about masturbation at school, or among friends. You may have even heard these myths yourself, but aren't sure what is truth and what is fiction. It's important that you learn to distinguish between the facts and the misconceptions if you hope to guide your teenager through this.
   • Masturbation won't lead to blindness, hairy palms, or impotency.
   • Nocturnal emissions or "wet dreams" aren't a form of masturbation and aren't the sign of "seminal weakness" or a poor moral character.
   • It's neither true that "everyone" or "nobody" masturbates. A great many people, men and woman, masturbate regularly, but it's neither necessary for a happy and well-functioning life, nor a roadblock to that life.
6. Consider giving your teen a book as a gift. Let the experts do some of this work for you, and consider giving your teenager a book about sexuality as a gift and as a guide. This can be an excellent way of alleviating some of the awkwardness of the conversation, as well as making sure that your teen gets good, sound advice about sexuality at this important stage. All of the following are excellent guides for teen sexuality:
   • "Changing Bodies, Changing Lives" by Ruth Bell
   • "Our Bodies, Ourselves" by Judy Norsigian
   • "S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College" by Heather Corinna
   • "100 Questions You'd Never Ask Your Parents" by Elisabeth Henderson

Having the Talk

1. Set aside some time to talk in private. The dinner table with grandma and grandpa isn't the time to bring up a sensitive subject like this. Make the conversation as brief and as painless as possible by doing it in private, at an appropriate and non-serious moment, not when you're feeling flustered because you just found some "evidence," or because you're frustrated.
   • Try to put yourself in your teenager's shoes and anticipate how they'll feel when you bring this up. Many teens feel embarrassed and isolated, feeling as if they're the only person going through this.
2. Be as straightforward as possible. This may be an embarrassing conversation for your teen, so avoid probing. You don't need to know "how often" your teenager is masturbating, or other potentially awkward questions. Focus on what you want your teenager to know and make it relatively simple, and keep it brief. Try leading with the following script:
   • "I don't want to embarrass you, but you're old enough to talk about sex and masturbation and there are a few things I need you to know, ok?"
3. Use a gentle tone of voice. Nothing about this conversation should communicate that your teenager is in trouble. Use a calm, even, and reassuring tone of voice, the same kind of tone you'd use when discussing household chores or homework. Make it routine.
   • If you're feeling upset or awkward, acknowledge the situation: "My parents never talked to me about these things, and I wish they had. I think it's important, even though it's a little awkward."
4. Reassure your teenager. If you only communicate one thing to your teenager, it should be to reassure them that what they're going through is normal and that they shouldn't feel guilty. Teenagers may be getting extremely mixed messages from their friends at school, and it can be confusing to reconcile their personal urges with what others are saying.
   • Try saying, "I know what you're going through may be confusing, but you need to know that this is normal, healthy, and you don't need to feel guilty about it."
5. Talk about cleanliness and safety. Another important thing to inform your teenager about is basic safety and cleanliness when it comes to masturbation. When teens are first exploring their bodies, it's possible to wander into risky behavior, and you want to make sure your teenager is informed about what to avoid.
   • For girls, it's important to encourage the proper washing of hands and toys, appropriate toys or devices, as well as to talk about urinary tract health and sexual activity as a part of a general discussion about sexual health.
   • For boys, it's important to encourage cleanliness during and after masturbation, and to discuss safe practices.
6. Encourage moderation. Just because masturbation is normal and healthy doesn't mean it can't become a problem. Addiction and distraction are potential problems that teenagers face in regard to masturbation, so it's important to encourage moderation.
   • You don't need to get specific in terms of frequency: some people's sex drives are much higher, while others are much lower. One isn't right or wrong. Still, it's important to reinforce the idea that masturbation shouldn't get in the way of a healthy social life, other normal teenage activities, and responsibilities like school work.
   • It's also important to encourage moderation in terms of physical sensations. Teenagers need to be gentle with their own bodies as their sexuality develops, taking care to avoid injury, but practicing healthy sexuality.
   • All teens must become accustomed to controlling and understanding sexual desires, distinguishing lust from love.
7. Be available for questions. The best thing that you can offer your teenager at this stage is an open door. Make yourself available for questions, and endeavor to answer those questions as openly and honestly as possible, without making things too awkward. Don't press the issue, if your teen isn't interested in talking more, make sure to end the conversation by letting your child know that you're always happy to talk.

Avoiding Awkwardness

1. Don't "look for evidence." If your child has reached sexual maturity, they will benefit from having a conversation about masturbation. You don't "need proof" and you don't need to snoop through your child's private life, inspect their sheets and undergarments, or dig around on their computer browser history to have a good idea that your teenager is probably masturbating, or at least experiencing an upswing in hormone production that has thrown their sex drive into high gear.
2. Don't punish masturbation. There's no reason to punish masturbation, unless you're concerned that a teenager has developed an addiction, in which case you should probably seek professional guidance. Doing this can be confusing and traumatic for teenagers, and it's best avoided.
3. Don't discourage. Remember that education is different from setting rules. Often, when someone has enough of the right information, they can set their own rules. This may be a good learning experience for many teens. If you choose to sit down with your teen and talk about this issue, remember that simple education can can make a positive influence on your teenager.
4. Don't overdo it. Some teenagers will be mortified at the thought of talking to a parent about masturbating, and that's understandable. It's an intensely private behavior that's not common to discuss in any situation. If you feel you must bring it up for the safety and health of your teenager, do so, but also recognize when it's time to draw the line and end the conversation, short of awkward specifics.
   • Don't snoop after what you suspect to be fact, and don't feel the need to make remarks when you notice your teen lingering in the bathroom during a shower. If you've done your job and had the conversation, leave it alone.
   • If you feel you must, or feel your teenager has a masturbation problem, address it by limiting your teen's time alone and restricting Internet access if necessary.

Tips

• Without being intrusive, watch your teen's overall moods and behavior. Sometimes, persistent masturbation habits can be symptomatic of other (but not necessarily deeper) problems. If you have good reason to suspect this, then a How-To article such as this may not be able to help you, and you should consider consulting a professional.
• You do not have to choose only one of the methods above. You can use both of them together.
• It's important to encourage Internet safety, and to make sure your teenager is surfing the web safely.Ensure Online Safety for Your Kids will depend on you. You may elect to monitor your teenager's Internet usage, or not, but either way you need to have a healthy and open conversation about it.

Warnings

• It's not recommended to ever discourage masturbation in teenagers. The development of sexuality can be a complicated and confusing phase for teens, and the discouragement of a parent can be seriously traumatic.

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• Stop Your Child From Masturbating in Public

Sources and Citations

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