Act Cool when You Have Few Friends

What's considered "cool" is usually in the eye of the beholder. But whether you fashion yourself as a proud nerd or artiste, a punk or a preppy, there is one constant that sets people off as "cool," and that is confidence in who you are. Even if you can count the number of friends you have with one hand, self-confidence will transcend any biases people may have about your clothes, interests, or the size of your clique.

Steps

Showing Confidence in Your Daily Life

  1. Be your own person. Instead of trying to “fit in” with everyone else, set your own standards and live up to them. Dress how you like to dress. Geek out with pride over your passions. Show people that, for you, the most important source of approval is your own–not anyone else’s.[1]
    • Don’t take this to mean that you should be a contrarian! If other people’s values, interests, fashion sense, etc. happen to match yours, embrace them as your own. The point is to be authentic, however you present yourself.
    • Don’t stretch it, either. Again, the important thing is to be authentic, so don’t overreach to the point that you’re striking a pose and playing a character outside of yourself.
  2. Have a positive attitude.[1] Strengthen your confident image with a smile for the whole world. Recognize the “bad” in life for what it is, but don’t let it get you down. Being cool means that when problems arise, you are confident that you can solve them, so don’t undermine your image by acting defeated! Show other people that you are someone who is worth having around, regardless of the circumstances.
    • Treat failures as experiences to learn from, obstacles as challenges to overcome, and just about everything else in life as an opportunity to improve yourself!
    • Keep negative comments about others to yourself. Don’t be seen as someone who has to knock other people down in order to lift yourself up.[2]
  3. Be cool, not perfect. Being confident means that you feel content with who you are, flaws and all. Avoid deluding yourself into thinking that you are superior to everybody else. Acting superior will make people think that you are doing just that: acting.[1]
    • Ask for help when needed. Don’t bluff your way through situations you can’t handle on your own.
    • Risk looking foolish. Show other people that you are brave enough to not care what people think, but also confident enough to laugh at yourself when you do end up looking ridiculous.
    • Voice your opinions during projects, debates, or casual chitchat, but concede with a laugh that you were wrong when other people prove themselves right.[2]
  4. Show your confidence with body language. Feel free to make gestures to liven up your conversations, but in general, try to be still. Convey the sense that you are perfectly comfortable in your surroundings. Own the space that you are in by showing that you have no intention of fleeing. Move at a relaxed pace and keep your gestures small and languid.[3]
    • Keep your head still and your chin up. In conversation, always look people in the eye.
    • When you are standing, distribute your weight evenly across both legs. Own the ground you stand on. Keep your feet planted in place.
    • Sit still. Whatever seat you take, relax in it as you would in your favorite chair. Resist the urge to lean forward or bounce your legs as if you are ready to bolt at the first opportunity.
  5. Maintain an air of mystery. When prompted, share your thoughts and opinions without fear, but refrain from oversharing, especially if no one asked for them in the first place. Avoid being confused as a bully or bragger. Share what's relevant to the moment, but leave other people wanting to know more about you, rather than wanting you to shut up already.[4]
    • If a conversation drifts into an area you know quite well, respond knowingly to comments other people make, but stop short of lecturing.
    • Leave all the really impressive things about you unmentioned. For example, if you happen to be talking about baseball, share your thoughts and opinions without mentioning the fact that you were the MVP for every team you ever played on.
    • Make people tease information from you. Frame your responses in conversations in a way that answers their questions, while creating even more about you, like, "How could he/she possibly know so much about that?"

Impressing New People in Conversation

  1. Introduce yourself simply. Start with the basics: “Hi, I’m Jim.” Unless the situation demands that you add some more specific detail about yourself, leave everything else unmentioned for now. Allow the other person to learn about you through natural conversation. Don’t force-feed them every factoid about yourself right off the bat. If you need to put yourself in some sort of context when you introduce yourself, keep it simple, like:[5]
    • “Hi, I’m Jennifer. I run track for Such-and-Such High School. I saw you run at last week’s invitational.”
    • “Hi, I’m Rick. I’m the birthday boy’s cousin.”
    • “Hi, I’m Susan. I was your sister’s lab partner in Biology last year.”
  2. Be true to the situation. We all have different sides of ourselves, so be the “you” that is most appropriate for the moment.[6] Be confident and relevant at the same time. Even if you have x-amount of impressive facts about yourself that you are just dying to share, keep them to yourself if there isn’t any context for mentioning them. Avoid coming across as a bragger.[1] For instance:
    • Say the two of you strike up a conversation about bands you like. Now let’s also say that you are a maestro on the guitar. Even though your guitar skills have to do with music, stick to your fan-based conversation about other musicians that the two of you admire. Impress the other person with your skills and your self-assurance by letting them find out how great you are from someone else entirely.
  3. Share your discomfort. If you feel nervous, don’t overcompensate by acting bolder than you normally behave. Instead, make the bold move of admitting to feeling anxious! Show the other person that you are so confident in yourself that you are comfortable sharing your imperfections, even with new people. Lure them into an instant air of intimacy by allowing them to see your vulnerabilities from the get-go.[6]
    • At a party or large gathering? Do crowds make you nervous? Say as much and let the other person know that hanging out one-on-one in the future will reveal you at your best.
    • Is the scene you’re in not really yours? Say you are at a football game and know nothing about the sport. Instead of faking interest or knowledge, confide in the other person and stoke their ego by relying on their expertise to guide you through the game.
  4. Talk less, listen more. Keep the conversation focused on them. Show them that you are less interested in advertising yourself and more interested in learning about them.[5] Make them feel important while creating an air of mystery about yourself. When the conversation ends, leave them feeling intrigued so they become eager to find out more about you.[4]
    • When they tell you a story, ask follow-up questions to indicate your interest.
    • When you share your own thoughts and opinions, ask them what their take is to shift the spotlight back onto them.

Bolstering Your Friendships

  1. Value the friends you have. Rest assured that you don’t need to surround yourself with a lot of friends to come across as cool to other people. But remember: it would look kind of suspicious if the few friends you do have all started to bail on you. Don’t take them for granted. Prove to them (as well as to others outside your circle) that you are definitely worth their time, respect, and loyalty.
  2. Put your friends before you. Shun the idea of being the center of attention. When your friends need to unload or vent or even just BS, put yourself on the back burner and really listen to what they have to say. Prove to them that you really do desire to know exactly what they think and feel about this, that, and the other thing.[2]
    • Ask follow-up questions once they finish telling you something to show them that you want to understand them fully.
    • Respond directly to their comments rather than switching the subject or simply stating your own opinions.
    • If you feel like a personal story or opinion of your own would benefit them, frame it in a way that clearly shows that this is a response to what they have said, and not just an opportunity for you to talk about yourself.
  3. Respect their criticisms. Being cool and confident is a matter of seeking approval from yourself first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean you should disregard what the people who are most important to you have to say. When they point out a flaw of yours, take it as constructive feedback rather than an insult.[7] Accept the fact that you are not perfect. Embrace your closest friends as people with whom you can be yourself, flaws and all, without having to strike a constant “cool” pose.
    • Keep an ear out for repeated hints about your flaws in case your friends are reluctant to address them directly.
    • Admit to your mistakes to show that you are more concerned with improving yourself and your friendship rather than just “looking good.”[2]
    • Laugh at yourself to diffuse tension and prove that you are empathetic enough to see yourself through your friends’ eyes.
  4. Do the “little things.” Throwing your friends parties or making other grand gestures from time to time will undoubtedly make them feel important to you. But making smaller gestures more often is much more feasible (and consistent). Make your friends feel important to you on a daily basis. Show them that you think about them all the time. Make a point of giving them a small sign that they are on your mind each day.[7]
    • Forward them links to videos, stories, memes, etc. that you think they would appreciate.
    • Call them just to say “what’s up” and find out how they are, even when (or especially if) you have nothing particularly interesting to say.
    • Offer to do them favors and make their lives easier when they are busy, sick, or bummed out for some reason, or just do those favors anyway without asking if they need them.
  5. Forge new memories. Pump some new life into your shared routines. Make your friendship exciting.[7] If your friend mentions how it would be nice to do this or that, don’t let them only ever daydream about it–make a concrete plan to actually do it. Make your plans together or surprise them with a readymade adventure.
    • Go on a road trip, even if a day-trip is all you can manage.
    • Learn new skills together by taking art classes, guitar lessons, etc.
    • Get out of your comfort zone and take part in a poetry reading, open mic night, karaoke, or something more death-defying, like skydiving or rock climbing!

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 http://www.menprovement.com/cool-guy/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/9-qualities-of-remarkably-confident-people-th.html
  3. ↑ http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/confident_body.htm
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.mademan.com/mm/how-act-cool.html
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-perfect-way-to-introduce-yourself-in-any-setting.html
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 http://zenhabits.net/social/
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201406/six-ways-strengthen-your-best-friendships
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