Ask a Friend to Return an Item They Borrowed

When you lend a friend an item, sometimes you never get it back. The item is forgotten or just kept as a gift. Many people feel awkward asking a friend to return something they borrowed because it’s often confrontational, and could damage the friendship. Try a few different approaches to minimize the stress of the situation.

Steps

Asking Your Friend for Your Item Directly

  1. Be forward about asking for it back. Be bold and come out with your request. Even if they’ve had it a long time, just assume they have intended to return it, and say, "I’d like to get my copy of X-Men back when we meet next." With that direct approach, embarrassment or common courtesy will likely cause them to return your item.[1]
  2. Ask a question about it. By inquiring about the item you’ll be less confrontational. It suggests uncertainty, and allows your friend to be confident in their reply, as if they were the one who decided to return the item. Try a few of the following approaches:
    • "Are you done with my copy of Twilight? I’d like to have it back when you’re done."
    • ”Hey, I’m looking for my hat, do you still have it?”
    • ”Would you mind giving the video game back to me?”
  3. Send a message regarding the item. A message allows you to be direct without having to confront your friend. It’s easily less personal.[2] There is possible misinterpretation, so be careful with your wording.
    • Facebook allows you a great way to send a message. Send a private message with just enough information to let your friend know you’d like the item back.
    • Shoot your friend a quick email. Nothing extravagant is needed. Just ask for your item back.
    • Text your friend. Ask for the item and include their favorite emoticon to make it less harsh.
  4. Constantly bring it up. Whenever you talk to your friend, bring it up. No matter the conversation, steer everything back to the loaned item. Your friend will quickly get the hint.

Using Humor to Get it Back

  1. Shame your friend playfully. Sometimes a bit of ribbing might be enough to prod a reaction. If some of the more subtle, painless approaches haven’t worked, you may need to ratchet up your approach.[3]
    • Post on their Facebook wall. Be playful, and you’ll likely get some other friends joining in. If you have art skills, make a digital missing-poster of your item.
  2. Joke about calling your friend's mother. There is nothing worse than maternal pressure. Be sure to let your friend's mother know not to be too harsh.
  3. Ask to borrow it back. Technically, you’re not borrowing it since it’s yours, but it could be funny to ask in such a way. Play it up by begging a bit, "Could I borrow it back? Pretty please? I need it! I’ve always wanted one like that.”
  4. Be sarcastic. A slight bit of embarrassment can be minimized if sarcasm is used. Find a way to bring irony or humor to the situation.
    • ”You’ve had it forever. Is there any tread left on the tire?”
    • ”I’m pretty sure the shirt you borrowed won’t be in fashion by the time you give it back.”
    • ”How many times have you beaten the game I lent you by now?”
    • "It's been so long since you borrowed it I forgot if it's a DVD or a VHS."

Being Nonchalant to Get it Back

  1. Visit your friend. Go on a social call to your friend’s house and act as if the visit is unrelated to the loaned item. Eventually get around to talking about the loaned item, or about something related to your loaned item.
    • A movie: “Remember that Halloween dance scene in Karate Kid?”
    • A tool: “My yard is a mess. I’ll have to weed eat for days.”
    • A clothing item: “What I really need is a black scarf to complement this outfit.”
  2. Mention its presence during conversation. Note the object in the room, something close enough to be picked up. When calmly talking about the item, mention you had the same item once. Maybe even say how much you enjoyed having it.
  3. Pretend you forgot it. When you’re near your friend and see the item, say, "You know what? I think this one is mine! Did I leave it here?" Playing dumb is often a good way to be less threatening. They won’t be able to deny the truth. They’ll likely mimic your feigned ignorance.

Tips

  • Put your name on the item before you lend it. A sticker or piece of tape will do, or you could use a preprinted return address label.
  • Be upfront when you loan things in future. Give a deadline of a short period of time and don't let this deadline pass without following up on the item you have loaned. Even if your friend wants it for a while longer, at least they will remain aware that you expect the item back.
  • Recognize that different people respond to different communication styles. Some people just don't pick up on hints or respond well for confrontation. Use the approach best suited for your friend’s personality.[4]
  • Don't accuse your friend of not returning it on purpose unless you feel there is no other way to get your property back. It's very difficult to prove legally, and you'll likely lose a friend.[5]
  • Evaluate whether the friendship is more valuable than the item. If the item can easily be replaced, then rather than risk losing a friend, forget about your friend returning it.
  • Take a picture of your friend with the item so you know who borrowed what.

Warnings

  • Sometimes friends are too scared to return something because they have damaged or lost it somehow. Be aware this may be the case and be ready to forgive them. If it had been so important and valuable to you in the first place, you shouldn't have given it to them as this is always a possibility.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201112/embarrassment
  2. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/06/08/the-very-messy-psychology-of-the-awkward-personal-text/
  3. ↑ http://skeptikai.com/2012/10/25/the-weapon-of-comedy-why-humour-gets-the-point-across/
  4. ↑ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140626185020-15628411-the-4-types-of-communication-styles
  5. ↑ http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/accused-of-stealing-something-borrowed.html
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