Avoid Codependent Relationships

The best way to avoid codependent relationships is to not be codependent yourself. Know what it means to be codependent, simply giving to get. When you are trying to make a relationships work by trying to get all you can from the other person you will soon bankrupt the relationship.

Steps

  1. Get counseling, if needed to become healthy. In order for a relationship to be healthy you have to be healthy yourself. Get into counseling; find a friend who can help you grow~someone you trust to tell you the truth. Although they might be tougher to hear from, a non-friend works well here.
  2. Give 100% to the relationship and expect nothing in return. This is unconditional love. You have to know this kind of love before you can give it away! If you both are doing this the relationship will grow. This means spending the time you give your partner with your partner, enjoying and appreciating the relationship as it is. This does not mean centering your life around your relationship, neglecting your job, your friends, your hobbies and your own needs. Give what you can give freely without sacrifice or resentment and take care of yourself without expecting your partner to take care of you. If you don't take care of yourself, you'll get run down to the point you can't take care of your partner or anyone else.
  3. Address hurts. When you feel hurt and want to get angry, you have to be willing to look for the cause of the behavior that hurt you and address the cause. This is like counting to ten, waiting to speak before you act. If you need to get angry you can always do it later. But when you get at the cause of the behavior you can help the person understand what happened and tell them you got hurt. Now you are building the relationship and not doing damage to it.
  4. Understand the idea of personal boundaries and hold yours. Make them clear to your partner including the negotiable gray areas that are part of any healthy relationship. Respect your partner's boundaries. When you're hurt or angry, stop and reflect on why you're hurt or angry. Identify whether the issue is that you want to cross your partner's boundaries or whether it's your partner invading yours. If you want something unreasonable, like crossing their boundaries, understanding that can help you let go of that desire. If you want something reasonable, like holding your own boundaries, then stand up for yourself assertively.
  5. Do not insult your partner in any arguments. Just don't call names or label them. Don't say "You're lazy." Focus on your own feelings, needs and points. "I feel as if I have to do all the housecleaning" is not insulting. "You lazy slob, you never do anything around the house" is insulting. If you behave this way consistently, you can establish the pattern.
  6. Translate any insults from your partner in an argument into what is really being said. "I'm mad because you don't do enough housecleaning to please me" is a translation of the lazy slob insult above into information terms. Accepting that the insults just mean "I'm angry and frustrated" is vital. They are not true as such, they are a slanted description of a situation your partner perceives as real. It may not even be true, if so then communicating without insults could help resolve that conflict. If you clean more efficiently than your partner and finish the same tasks in half the time, it may look like you're doing less even though you're accomplishing more. Conversely, if your partner's better at cleaning, your results may disappoint your partner even though you put in the same amount of time and effort. Discussing these issues without blaming or insulting is "problem solving mode" and an important element of any healthy relationship.
  7. There will always be conflict in all relationships. When both partners are comfortable and happy with the same method of conflict resolution, they tend to be happier together no matter what others think of it. Some couples insult each other constantly in a lighthearted way because neither takes those insults seriously - and know that if the insults stop, the issue is a serious one. Find your comfort zone and your partner's and explore different ways of handling conflicts till you find what works for you.
  8. Identify any hurtful behaviors or addictions that are part of the relationship. Become aware of the types of mind games addicts play. If you did not grow up in a home with an addict or alcoholic, it's easy to be blind sided by the games addicts play. Read about addiction and find checklists online to examine the hurtful behaviors within your relationship, both yours and your partner's. Sometimes healthy behavior can hurt a lot when a relationship is changing, but that hurt is necessary to grow past it. Whoever tries to break the pattern will be seen as acting hurtfully or selfishly.
  9. Look for ways that you may be enabling any hurtful behaviors or addictions by giving too much.
  10. Look at whether you may be attempting to control your partner's life. If the final decisions on things always go your way, that's a sign of codependence. There's give and take in a healthy relationship. If your partner never does anything without consulting you, that's a danger sign and something to work on.



Tips

  • Take care of yourself, know your limits, set boundaries, say no. If you respect yourself you can expect to be respected. If you aren't being respected, get out.
  • Ask for help if you feel the need.

Warnings

  • Giving too much is never good for the relationship.

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