Be Comfortable Around in Laws

The word "in-laws" can seem ominous. We seem to equate the term in-laws negatively, as sources of anguish and stress. It does not have to be that way. If you go to a family gathering at the "in-laws" with a positive attitude, you may realize that they are people with traditions like everybody else. Hopefully some of these tips will help make a family function a little less stressful.

Steps

  1. Get to know your In-family. Some things we may find strange are just habits or part of their family culture. Get to know a little family history. Ask your spouse about those little things that seem different or strange to you regarding his or her family. Knowledge is the key. Once you understand the meaning of a particular tradition, the more likely you are to accept it.
  2. Communicate. Communication is very important. Once you know what is expected of you, you are less likely to disappoint them without knowing why. Ask "Mom, what can I do to help?" or "What would you like me to take care of?". At the same time, be practical. If you feel they are demanding too much, you can let them know politely or just say "I will try my best". When you ask how you can help, your in-family will know you are willing to jump in to help, and are likely to ask you to participate. If they they say they have everything covered, be proud of yourself that you offered.
  3. Tolerate. Sometimes this is hard but be tolerant. Yes Aunt Mae is on her 5th marriage and her latest issue with an ex-husband is not really what we want to hear about, but it is only for a short while. Remind yourself that "this too shall pass". Maybe decide on a reward for you and your spouse, something to look forward to for making it through family time; a massage, dinner out, or a kid free weekend. These are all good ideas to help you relax and reward yourself for not throwing peas into Uncle Randy's toupee.
  4. Have an escape route. With children this is especially important. Pick a phrase or a secret word for you or your spouse to use, that indicates "IT'S TIME TO GO NOW!" This can be useful after an embarrassing situation, a situation where someone is offended or when the babies are tired and fussy. The feeling of being stuck at either of your parents' home can be very stressful. Make sure you always have a preset escape phrase.
  5. Research. Do a little research before going to the reunion or dinner. Ask one of the in-laws that you get along with how everyone is and who's doing what. It can be as simple as a phone conversation to cousin Ann. This will help you to have something to say other than "So Betty, how are ya?" you can say instead "Betty, I hear you have started a community garden club. Tell me how is that going?"
  6. Always bring something. Even if you are told you need not bother. If you are traveling it can be hard to come {{safesubst:#invoke:convert|convert}} with a baked pie in your hands. Instead, pick up a fruit basket, a nice festive plant, flowers or a bottle of wine. It says you care. It is always nice and the gesture will be remembered.
  7. Be honest. If they want to talk about something that is personal and you are not comfortable, just say so. "Uh, Bob, we are not ready to talk about that yet, but thanks for asking." It is a fine way to let family know that it is a subject you do not care to talk about. Keep in mind (in most cases) that they are not trying to pry into your life; they just really care and generally interested.
  8. Alternate! It helps take the stress off both you and your spouse if you alternate holiday get-togethers. One year you have the holidays with your parents, next with the in-laws. You can even throw in a year for your family to host the holiday dinner. You can really live on the edge and invite both sets of parents.
  9. Acknowledge and respect a difference in opinions. Even if you are strongly opposed to an idea or believe your in-laws to be less than enlightened on a subject, remember that everyone has the right to voice their thoughts. Respect that right by letting them talk and show that you are attempting to understand their message. It makes one feel respected. Letting them have their thoughts heard does not mean that you like or agree with them. It just shows respect. By planting respect you harvest respect.

Tips

  • A smile and being well dressed for the occasion are noticed more than you might think.
  • Do not complain constantly about your in-laws in front of your spouse. Never forget, you spouse has in-laws too: your parents!

Related Articles

Retrieved from "https://kipkis.com/index.php?title=Be_Comfortable_Around_in_Laws&oldid=325700"