Get Along with Your Mother in Law

Some mothers-in-laws are sweet but not all. They bake cookies for you and support your every decision, or they're simply glad you're a part of their life and leave you to get on with it. Others are bitter. They constantly talk bad about you and undermine your choices. This can be a terrible source of frustration for your husband as he will always be stuck in the middle. If you truly love your husband, try to do everything in your power to get along with his mother. This is one woman you cannot just ignore and hope the problem goes away or she magically changes into a nice person. This is one situation where you must try to push yourself to forgive her for being annoying and force yourself to try to communicate and work towards having a decent relationship with her. If your mother-in-law is more troll than fairy princess, scroll down to step 1 to learn what to do!

Steps

1. Work through your own feelings about your mother-in-law before all else. Are you able to put yourself in her shoes occasionally and see just where some of her so-called interfering or judgmental behavior comes from? She values the person you're married to, so there must be something good inside her!
   • Keep in mind that whatever your feelings, your mother-in-law remains one of the most important people in your spouse's life. Be sure it's not your own untamed jealousy causing problems.
2. Act like you like her. Even if she is so difficult or different, you have to show to your spouse that you two can be good friends. That would make him/her feel comfortable and in case she dislikes you, he/she would never think it's because of something you have done or because you haven't tried to have a nice relationship with her.
3. Stay polite. One of the hardest parts of a negative relationship with your mother-in-law is keeping your mouth shut when she brings out the nitpicking, critical comments. Being polite is not the same as putting up with what is being done; you're still perfectly entitled to stand up for yourself, but it is about not stooping to the same level.
   
   
   • Even if she says nasty things about you, don't repeat them.
   • Don't Criticize Tactfully her in front of your spouse. Your spouse will be stuck between a rock and a hard place, and even if he or she starts to see your side of things, it will be hurtful to have to join in any undermining.
   • Always speak well about her to your spouse. If he/she is talking about something she will do or did, you have to have always a nice thing to say about it. Try to compliment her every-time you see her, using phrases such as "You look great today" or "Your hair looks so nice today" doesn't matter if she is a mess or a really ugly mother in law. This way your spouse will feel like you really make an effort to have a nice relationship with her/his mother.
   • Do not let her see you in a bad mood. If you are upset or angry about something, do not ever let her notice it. She might try to use it against you talking about it with other members of the family or even to your partner, trying to make you look bad cause of the things you said in an anger moment . Always try to show a nice smile and speak nicely to her.
   • Equally, never criticize your spouse in front of her; this will simply make her defensive and cause her to see you in a bad light.
4. Use humor. Deflecting criticism with humor can deflate the barbs intended and put everyone at ease again. When it seems that all she's interested in doing is complaining, try to find witty means for replying.
   
   
   • For example, your mother-in-law is complaining about the weather again. Reply with "Well, at least it means we don't have to sit indoors complaining about how cold it is. C'mon, we're all going to the beach now!"
5. Look for the good she does and praise it. Always do this in her presence and be genuine. Praising the behavior you want from another person is an often successful technique for ensuring that the desired behavior is repeated. Ignore the undermining behavior completely; just focus on what her good points are.
   • Thank her for raising such a wonderful spouse!
   • Flatter a Friend her by passing on a compliment about her that someone else you know made about her (for example, "Your mother-in-law is amazing!").
6. Be kind and get to know her. Just like you, your mother-in-law has experienced life's problems, joys, and losses. And just like you, she cares about the person you've married. Take some time to ask her questions about her life, to try to get to know her better. Perhaps some of her complaints stem directly from experiences she's had in the past of things that didn't work out for her and she's really worried that the two of you will repeat the wheel. If you understand her fears and concerns better, you'll be in a better position to reassure her.
   
   
   • Ask her for things that show you respect her knowledge. Ask for the recipe of a cake that she bakes that you love. Ask her how she manages to keep her hair in such great shape. Ask her how she found balancing work and child-raising. Ask her why she loves motorcycling so much. Ask her all sorts of things under the sun that allow her to talk about herself. You will learn a lot and it's a good opportunity to reassure her of the things that she does best.
   • Next time you're at her house, try to spend a few moments with her in the kitchen or sit near her and chat. If the conversation doesn't go that well, you can always get up to use the bathroom and sit back down in another chair!
   • Ask her to do things for you if you don't think she'll take this as an imposition. Ask her to make lunch (if you're brave). Ask her to proofread your report before submitting it. Ask for her professional opinion about something if she's qualified in a particular field. Ask her to prune your roses. Ask for whatever you think she has expertise in and will enjoy helping you with or offering advice about.
7. Give gifts. Give your mother-in-law a gift from just you for no other reason than to let her know she counts in your life. A gift can show you care provided you've taken the time to put effort into it. Make something by hand, or personally select something in her favorite colors or style. If you have to, get your spouse to choose the present, then say it's from you. Make sure it's something she will enjoy. If she sees that you are thinking about her and know her tastes, it will help win her over.
   
   
8. Clarify misunderstandings. Don't allow your relationship with your mother-in-law to be directed by her assumptions about you and your needs. This is at least one area where you can set her straight, even if she doesn't want to listen. Be assertive and use the broken record technique to keep reminding her whenever she gets things mixed up that things are not as she says they are. Do it politely, firmly, and repeatedly. She'll get the message that there are some things which you will continue to insist on regardless of her assumptions.
   
   
   • For example, if your mother-in-law keeps comparing her challenging life with your lucky and wealthy one, look her in the eye and tell her straight: "Barbara, I am not sure why you think we have the lifestyle you're depicting but it's the wrong picture. We're paying a mortgage just like you, we're still paying off our college fees, and we're trying hard to save up for a special vacation so that the kids can have a good time. It's not about luck for us; it's about good financial management and we stretch our earnings the best we can to ensure our kids have good experiences." Keep repeating the "It's good management, not luck" message every time she brings up the subject; soon enough, it'll start to bore her.
   • If your mother-in-law criticizes your appearance or weight, or that of your children, don't let this one go. It's too personal and invasive. For example, you might respond: "I appreciate that you're concerned about my weight but I'm within a healthy weight range and I'm eating well. My doctor is happy with my health." Or, "I understand that you worry about Kaila's weight and appearance but I prefer to concentrate on the children's personality and intellectual development rather than making them feel uncomfortable about their physical appearance. Kaila's eating healthily and her doctor's happy with her health."
   • Responding in a direct manner and addressing your mother-in-law's complaints will disarm her to an extent but it also lets her know that you will stand up for yourself and family when you believe that a line has been crossed.
9. Give her space. Let her spend time alone with her child. Don't always expect to be hovering around your spouse and knowing everything that's happening right then.
   
   
   • Don't compete with her. If she makes the best sponge cake this side of Texas or has the wittiest comebacks you've ever heard, stop trying to outdo her. Rely on letting your own unique strengths that attracted your spouse to you to shine forth instead. There is plenty of room for both of you!
10. Talk it through with your spouse. Telling your spouse is vital; if your spouse has no idea how you're feeling, he or she may put you in situations you'd rather not be in, like taking care of dear old mom while she's sick. Find an opportune time to sit down together and talk through the issues in a calm and kind way.
    
    
    • Tell your spouse kindly (remember, this is his or her mother) how you feel. State the facts, not your opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law tried to run you over with her SUV, say so. Don't say, "She's horrible and she wants to kill me!" Explain very clearly, without being rude and hurtful: "Ah Bruce, I'm worried your mom might be having sight problems because last week she back the SUV right into me even though it was the middle of the day and I was wearing a bright red dress."
    • Discuss calmly. Ask your spouse how he or she feels about your mother's behavior (present the facts, not your perception). If the both of you are sharing opinions, it may allow you to be more honest.
    • If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for your spouse. Don't freak out if your spouse hates your own mother with a passion! Remember, if you're just finding out now, then obviously they've done a good job at hiding it. So expect them to continue hiding it around your family.
    • Don't be surprised if your spouse refuses to "take sides". He or she loves both of you equally, so taking sides can seem petty and pointless in such a case.
11. Be inclusive regardless of your personal feelings. Okay, so you know she doesn't like you and you're pretty sure she knows that you don't like her. This doesn't mean you can just stop visiting. This is your spouse's mother, remember, and a mother is very important in life. Don't be rude when your wife or husband wants to visit his or her parents on a Saturday afternoon. You still need to let their child-parent relationship breathe. Visit with your spouse – don't make yourself scarce. Your in-laws will think you're a wuss and this will only make them dislike you more. Remember, the goal is to "get along" with your mother-in-law...
    
    
    • Equally, you can set limitations on the visits. Don't put yourself into the situation of out-staying your ability to cope. If you're obliged to stay in the same house, keep it short and sweet.

Tips

• Accept that she will always see you in a different light from her off-spring; if there are any issues to be resolved or words spoken to correct mother-in-law's bad behavior, let your spouse discuss this with her. Some mothers-in-law have a way of turning it around on you as public enemy number one!
• Remember, it's probably nothing against you personally. Your mother-in-law may never think anyone is good enough for her child; that's her psychological hurdle, not yours. You're usually not the direct issue.
• Respect & Care for her. She is not your mother so don't expect same treatment. Mutual respect & responsible behavior is enough to survive happily.
• Allow your spouse and mother-in-law to spend one-on-one time together casually without you. Talk to your spouse beforehand and ask him or her to reassure her that he or she will always love her, it's just that once married, the two of you need more space to be husband and wife.
• If she calls you and you don't answer the phone, return the call. Everyone knows everyone has caller I.D. She knows eventually you'll see her name or number on your phone. There's nothing worse than playing the passive-aggressive. She can see right through that. Ignoring her won't help your relationship with her. Return the call as soon as possible, and if need be, keep the conversation short but sweet.
• If you have children, avoid being hostile with your mother-in-law. If she treats the kids well, then she can't be completely horrible. Make sure that you never let your personal feelings prevent your kids from seeing their grandma. Allow your husband to take the kids to see grandma while you have the day to yourself. This can be a great way to show your husband that you are not the type of woman who uses the kids in a manipulative controlling way. It's one thing to dislike your mother in law, but if you start trying to keep your son or children away from her, then it's time to realize the problem might not be your mother-in-law, but yourself.
• On the positive side, however, the older you get, the more your relationship with your mother-in-law is likely to improve.

Warnings

• Don't ask her to come live with you...ever!
• Don't let her control your life. If you've honestly tried your best to win her over, and she still hates you, then you have two choices. 1: Talk to her about it. Say, "I get the feeling you really don't like me. What did I do?" Or, 2: Move on! Your mother-in-law is only a small part of your life. Go to work, raise your children, love your spouse, take care of your own parents. Don't let one mean person ruin everything.
• Don't keep griping about her. You and your spouse are in love] and happy (right?) so why let someone ruin it? Don't constantly complain about her. When your spouse tells you some little tidbit about what their mom's up to, don't get nasty and start in. Just nod and smile, then change the subject. Simple.
• Don't declare war. Subtle sniping is tolerable. But screaming and hollering is not fine. If you ever find yourself yelling at her, "I hate you! I wish you'd just die!" then you've gone too far. A good rule of thumb is: if you're treating her how you treated your own mom while you were going through puberty, then you're making your disdain too obvious. Back-pedal and buy lots of gifts!
• Don't be fake! If your mother-in-law is over the age of 25, then she's had plenty of life experience. If you're syrupy sweet, she'll see right through you. This is the danger zone. Sure, she doesn't like you now, but once you start being too nice, she'll get suspicious and never let you out of her sight!
• Don't tell her kids you hate her. If your spouse has a few sisters or brothers, look to them as allies.

Related Articles

• Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law
• Stop Competing With Other Moms
• Be a Good Mother in Law
• Get Your Mother in Law to Move out of Your House

• Maintain a Good Relationship with Your In Laws

Sources and Citations

See also

• Handle a Dramatic Sister in Law
• Make Your In Laws Like You
• Impress Your In Laws

What links here

• Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law
• Be a Good Mother
• Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother In Laws
• Get Your Mother in Law to Move out of Your House
• Get a Stubborn Family Member to Look After Themselves
• Be Comfortable Around in Laws