Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law

If your mother-in-law repeatedly hurts you either physically or emotionally, it can permanently damage your marriage. Here are some ways to deal with her that can protect yourself, your family and your future.

Steps

Avoid Escalating Conflict

  1. Detach yourself emotionally. Think of her as an acquaintance and not your "other mother," unless the relationship is warm, friendly and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom." She isn't your parent; you are on equal terms. Call her by her first name, unless you are living in (or your spouse is from) a country in which it's considered rude to call your mother-in-law only by name. In that case, follow the custom properly as to how to respectfully address her and establish a name, with your spouse, you feel comfortable calling her..
  2. Understand the common problems. There are often many reasons why a mother-in-law may be difficult towards her child's new lover. She may feel less important to her child (or still see them as a child rather than someone's spouse). She may have difficulty standing behind someone else in their child's life. She simply may be a completely different person from you. Understanding the reasoning behind her behavior instead of taking it personally will make it easier to deal with..
  3. Distance yourself physically. You don't need to move cross-country, but you also don't need to show up at every event. It's acceptable for your spouse to attend some family events without you. This should not be a common occurrence, however. You should not try to drive a wedge between your spouse and his family. It could also be a victory of sorts for that mother of his/hers - she gets to spend time with her child and avoid you completely. Even if it's easier, this will cause discord in your marriage eventually..
  4. Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members and has been dismissive of things you've said, she could be making a very clear statement about your relationship. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. Look to other women for mentoring, advice, kindness and role modeling. You may have to write her off as being a positive factor in your life..
  5. Recognize and avoid the triggers. Before coming in contact with the in-law, visualize the scenarios which always manage to get under your skin. What is it that is said or done that makes your blood boil? Once you determine those triggers (which tend to be the same emotionally, manifested in various ways), think about ways in which you can avoid them..
  6. Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly. Don't be rude, but be firm and don't sugar-coat. Remember that despite your efforts to avoid direct conflict, this person has shown little regard for your feelings on whatever the issue is. Don't let the fear of hurting the feelings of your relative or in-law stop you from responding appropriately--it clearly hasn't stopped them..
  7. Disarm guilt as a weapon. If the mother-in-law attempts to use guilt as a tool of manipulation, it’s fairly easy to overcome. Whenever you perceive her attempting to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, bring the whole matter to conscious awareness by asking, “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty, are you?” She will probably deny it, but soon the pattern will re-emerge. Keep interrupting the pattern of falling into a state of guilt by bringing attention to her emotionally manipulative tactics. You don't want to be rude, but put a stop to the use of guilt as a weapon..
    • If you refuse to enter the emotional state of guilt, it will allow you to be more objective and compassionate in seeing that she is probably using guilt because she feels powerless. If you can address that sense of powerlessness, you have the opportunity to transform the relationship for good. For example, say something in front of the family to flatter her such as, "We usually reserve Friday nights for dinner with Mom and Dad. We need family time with them." This gives her a sense of importance in front of everyone and helps her feel needed and wanted.
  8. Think about your spouse and child. You don't want to say or do anything to harm your relationship with them. Do you need to try to break the tension? Bite your tongue? Sometimes you have to suck it up and behave nicely for the sake of someone else's happiness..

Setting Boundaries

  1. Define your boundaries. You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with your mother-in-law. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother-in-law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance. Define boundaries which you consider to be bottom lines that may not be crossed and make you feel violated when they are, and make them clearly known..
    • For example, if you value your privacy and a relative insists on frequent unannounced drop-in visits, that may be a bottom line for you. The first thing to realize is that it’s perfectly OK to satisfy your own needs. A relationship that makes you feel violated isn’t healthy..
    • If your mother-in-law drops over unannounced just before you and your spouse are headed out for dinner, you can say, "Gee, it's nice to see you. I just wish you'd called ahead. Josh and I are on our way out to dinner. If we'd known you were coming, we'd have made plans to eat at home." This will make it clear to your mother-in-law that she needs to call first next time.
  2. Verbalize your boundaries. If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. Speak to your spouse first. If he/she is unsuccessful in putting a stop to the overstepping, then go to the mother-in-law..
    • If you’ve been going years without clearly verbalizing and enforcing your boundaries like a mature adult and let your mother-in-law treat you like a child for too long, she most likely won’t take you seriously at first. There may be a "shock" reaction, which is usually feigned, at the mere suggestion that you dare attempt to put restrictions on this behavior. Just let her have her reaction and stand your ground anyway.
  3. Enforce your boundaries. Do this compassionately but firmly. After all, there's a good chance you've allowed this behavior to go on for years and that makes you partly to blame for the fact that your mother-in-law has not learned the behavior you want from her. But if she doesn't respond to gentle reminders, adopt a no-nonsense approach to enforcing your boundaries..
    • Let her know that for the next 10 days (start with 10, expand to 30 if she doesn't get the message the first time), you intend to strictly enforce the boundaries you’ve described. Make it clear that if she violates your boundaries even once during those 10 days, you will then begin a 10-day communications blackout. If you have to go to Blackout, have your spouse present and let the mother-in-law know she cannot have contact for 10 days. This includes drop-in visits, phone calls and e-mails — unless it’s absolutely necessary. After the 10-day "fasting" period, you can restart the original 10-day boundary-enforcement trial and repeat the process.
    • Let your mother-in-law know that both you and your spouse are equally committed to doing this (and it's best if your spouse is the one to inform his/her mother, not you). Be totally transparent about what you’re doing. Also, let her know that you’re resorting to this process because she's left you no choice. Remind her that you've made many attempts to let her know how serious you were and those attempts were ignored.
  4. Consider another approach if you feel unable to confront your mother-in-law. Write down what she says or does. By doing this, you're making sure that the situation doesn't grow bigger in your head after a few days of anger towards her. And after a few times, it'll give you a clearer view of her actions and make you aware of moments that you were alone and she insulted you or trespassed on your personal space or belongings. You will be prepared for the next time and not feel so scared or victimized anymore.
    • Use writing to get back at her without speaking. For example, say she goes through your bag. Just put a note in your bag that says; 'This is not your property. Do not search through my bag unless you've been asked to by me.' Or, put a lock on it. Think of solutions to sabotage her spying/stealing.

Have Your Spouse Help Out

  1. Express your feelings to your spouse. Let your husband (or wife) know that the way their mother treats you is hurtful. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse. Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either. You can say something like, "Honey, your mom may not mean to be hurtful, but she was tonight. In the future, if she says something like (give the example that hurt you), I would appreciate it if you would speak up for me.".
  2. Get spousal support. Does your spouse support you? It's very important and will determine your success in dealing with your mother-in-law. Sometimes you need to tell your spouse there's a problem, since s/he will not want to ruffle any feathers. Be clear and offer specific solutions that will be acceptable to both of you. Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family second, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage..
  3. Make your spouse understand that they must take the lead with their family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge, outline clear boundaries over which the mother must not step, and be willing to follow up these statements with action and definitive consequences, you will have to face the fact that you will not be able to ever change this relationship. That may be a deal breaker for you and for your marriage. If it is, let your spouse know before it's too late so that they have time to remedy the situation..

Tackling an Interfering Mother-in-law with Compassion

  1. Be compassionate, not ruthless or angry. There are many ways to send the message across gently rather than in a calculative or manipulative manner. This world is mostly made of good people and good intentions. She is mostly a good person, who is likely suffering from not being able to have the special relationship with her son that she once had. Regardless of why she feels put out or threatened, seek the good in her.
  2. Understand what is driving her. To this, try the following:
    • Observe her as a person. See why she behaves a certain way.
    • Understand her needs as a mother
    • Understand her needs as a mother-in-law.
  3. Only accommodate the needs you can. For the needs that you cannot, or do not want to, politely decline with a reason bolstered by good logic.
    • For example: Let's say that your daughter has reached school-going age and your mother-in-law feels that school A is best for your daughter. However, you much prefer School B. Respond to her like this: "I would love to send my daughter to school A. But school B has more values which I think you appreciate, such as kindness, organic living, healthy activities, etc.This is why I have gone with School B." In this way, you have given respect to what she attaches importance to but have still managed to stand your ground.
  4. Answer interfering questions or a question that you don't like with a push-back without giving an indication of your preference. For example, say, "We are still thinking about that, what is your opinion?". Listen to her uninterrupted but you don't have to take her route, the choice is always yours. Remember that you are your own master. No one can interfere if you don't let them.
  5. Set limits on chat time in a kindhearted yet constructive way. If your mother-in-law talks too much on the phone, keep a timer for 10 minutes. When the timer is at 02 secs, stop the timer and say, "I love talking to you but I have to finish-ironing, cleaning the toilet, feeding the cats, walking the dogs, cooking pasta for Adam, and make rice crispies for the boys' school project in the shape of a train. I feel awful but can please can I speak with you on Friday at 10am? Is this a good time?". Then keep your appointment but again, make the call short and sweet.
  6. Decide on some rules that let your mother-in-law have son time now and then. For example, you could have an every third time rule; namely, every third visit, let her be alone with her son. Go for a jog, finish an errand, or better still, offer to do her groceries. This way you have visited but you have also shown her that you are not a threat to her. She can always be alone with her darling son when needed.

Tips

  • You are entitled to a peaceful life. Your mother-in-law deserves respect, but if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. If she doesn't deserve your respect, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
  • You married your significant other, not his/her mother. Obviously, you will need to make adjustments and accommodations at times, but neither of you should have to completely change yourself because of a dominating, passive-aggressive, or clueless mother-in-law.
  • Remember that she will say and do what she wants, you should just do what pleases you as long as you don't stoop down to her level.
  • If you suspect she is feigning illness to get attention, call her bluff. "I'm worried about your frequent dizzy spells. Let's call your doctor right now for an appointment."
  • This topic is dealing with difficult Mill's... I like how people are making excuses for bad behavior. Ex. Clueless excited. Whatever the reason, you cannot change others, only yourself. Standing up for yourself and your marriage is necessary for peace and joy. There are many Mill's that are wonderful. This site is not about them, stop making excuses for bad behavior some people are not so lucky to have supportive in-laws and need help setting boundaries.
  • Consider sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk with your mother-in-law. Pick your moment carefully. Think about what you are going to say ahead of time. Get your partner's support and thoughts on the matter ahead of time. If she is making your life miserable, what do you have to lose?
  • Your mother-in-law, if cultivated properly, can become a powerful and beneficial force in your personal life, as well as a great support network for your marriage. But you have to work to make that happen and the key is communication. Just let her know if you need more alone time or something else. It's only when she ignores your wishes after you've made them clear to her that you need to resort to other measures
  • Sometimes, the negative behavior of a mother-in-law really is just clueless and not malicious intent.
  • If it's possible, be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey.
  • Mothers-in-law get excited over the prospect of "gaining a son or daughter" and can over-do without meaning to over-step. Be kind and compassionate. She may just be excited about having a new family member and want to be super-involved as a way of being helpful
  • Remember you are not responsible for her happiness. Encourage her to volunteer, adopt a pet, join a book club or get involved with her church. She needs to find something else besides your marriage to control!
  • Stand your ground and do not tolerate any type of abuse, verbal or emotional. If she crosses boundaries, give her a time out by shutting her out. This will either put her in her place or she will come unhinged and reveal her toxicity in full force. Either way, a win-win!
  • Avoid personal cell phones because they can be a tool for negative invasions. If you change your number, she'll send someone to come to your home. Lay down the boundaries and give her your work number and work address to call or come during work hours.

Warnings

  • If all else fails, relocate to another city. Many people swear their marriages have been saved by this solution.
  • If your mother-in-law verbally attacks you, your husband or wife needs to support you. Your spouse can simply phone her and say,"I heard you say X to my wife/husband. I didn't think that was very nice, and it really hurt her/him. Do not do it again."
  • If your partner does not support you, this is a critical sign both in your relationship with the mother-in-law and your own marriage. You have to give serious thought as to whether this is a marriage you want to stay in.
  • Sometimes inlaws could be very rude and wicked to your spouse because they might have seen that your spouse has the ability or edge to be better than them in life if they refuse to act quickly by causing distraction, passing abusive statement, cursing your spouse and making your spouse to be un-happy etc. In-laws do this because they want to ruin the marriage and they believe this is the best approach to do it because a happy human being will only be making progress in life. And again if your spouse doesn't have the power to make any changes to this or even correct the mother-inlaws and the siblings troubling you, the best line of action is to relocate away from them and move very close to God with prayers because people like this will definitely be looking for your downfall and troubles at all the time. they will never change because they believe they are not capable to compete with you.
  • Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk or do whatever you need to in order to exit the situation..
    • It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child and undermine your relationship with them.

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Sources and Citations

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