Be Discerning With Your Facebook Friends

Social media has become an integral part of many people's lives. Some people place a great deal of importance on how many friends you have, even seeing it as a form of validation. However, there's an alternative: being far more discerning about whom you count among your Facebook friends allows you to filter out some of the noise on your Facebook feed and cultivate a more meaningful set of social media relationships. Indeed, the tide against amassing friends from "just anywhere" is turning and now people are asking the question: "What? You have 5,000 friends? What's the matter with you? Aren't you being more discerning?"[1]

Steps

  1. Ponder over the fact that the ideal human tribe number is thought to be about 150.[2] This anthropological and sociological figure was reached through studying people's interactions in societies and it is also thought to apply to the online context.[3] After all, there is only so much buzz and chatter that you can actually manage to take in without feeling overloaded. As such, if your Facebook friends amount to more than 150, it may just be that your online tribe capacity is bulging at the seams and that there are people there whom you rarely, if ever, interact with.
  2. Think about the benefits of reducing the numbers of friends in your Facebook environment. Fewer friends means more time for those you do actively engage with. It means times for more fruitful and enjoyable Social Interactions that don't consist of attention-seeking updates and boring, inane daily details. There is also less room for misunderstandings and inflammatory situations because your friends know what you mean and don't take things you've said online the wrong way, as might people who really don't know or care for the real you.
    • Another benefit is fewer people snooping on you. Not that you've anything to hide but what about all those stories of stolen identities, revealing photos being passed along to potential employers, and cheating relationships being unearthed?[4] (This is not to mention those friends who think they're doing you a good turn by sharing a photo of you as a teen in a very compromising position...) All of this is grist for reflection about how so-called friends can be motivated to use the information they glean from Facebook. If you know who your real friends are on Facebook, you can loosen up a little and misbehave a bit more than usual, and how much more fun is that![4]
  3. Value your time. If you've got the guilts for not sharing more time with the plethora of Facebook friends, it could be that you're stuck spending more time there than you'd really like to, just to try to keep up with all the friends you feel you need to acknowledge. Is this something you really need to do? Or can you be really honest with yourself and own up that you're doing this half to meet the guilty feeling and half because you're afraid that if you don't, they might stop being your friend? Neither reason is a good one to be frittering away your time on Facebook with people who really mean very little to you other than a few online exchanges.
  4. Reflect on what "friend" means to you. Facebook has done a tremendous job in convincing us all that finding a bunch of lovely friends online to share our innermost thoughts with is a cinch. Even with privacy improvements on Facebook and the toning down of mass requests of just anyone wanting friendship, it has still been too easy to have people nose in and insist they "know X whom you know and so we should all get to know one another". And then there is that well-meaning but misguided self-styled social media marketing guru friend of yours who just happens to name-drop you to every person he thinks ought to be your friend... So, are these people really "friends"? What is a friend by your definition and not by Facebook's or social media in general? Don't be afraid to call a friend a friend and an online acquaintance an online acquaintance.
    • "Facebook friends" are not automatically "friend friends".[1] Make use of both terms with great care, so that you're being discerning in your own mind about which is which.
    • Is it really so "cool" when someone you know nothing about wants to be your friend? Maybe if they're famous but even then, be discerning.
  5. Consider all the other things you'd rather be doing than pretending to like someone else's Facebook updates, Sell Travel Photos, ideas, whatever. Channel your energies into doing those other things by making a plan to do them instead of giving the time to Facebook. Now that you've sorted this, proceed to the next step.
  6. Cull your so-called Facebook friends by being discerning. Sure, this sounds brutal but it'll be far worse if you continue interacting with a whole bunch of barely-knowns just because your ego is leading your common sense astray. Being discerning means to exhibit good judgment and insight. Here are some considerations to help you:
    • Leave (most) family members there (you're free to remove the bratty or mean ones). They'll understand if you can't be bothered interacting with them and if they don't, well it's no big deal, they can bail you up at the next family reunion instead.
    • Which of your Facebook friends really light up your day and make being on Facebook a joy? Who are those people you're truly proud to be friends with in your real life? Be absolutely honest and write their names down in the "keep" list.
    • Be careful here. The goal of culling should be more than keeping people that make you happy. Also, keep friends who provide unique perspectives. If you include the former and exclude the latter you'll end up with a group of like-minded, flattering friends.
    • Which of your Facebook friends are barely known to you? The ones who saw that you shared the same cause, the ones who asked to be friends because you know someone who knows someone who probably is a mutual someone somewhere down the line... Just how beneficial are these people in your life? Unless you've really clicked with them and grown a full-blown, mutually supportive friendship with them, put them on the culling list.
    • Who hasn't answered/liked/shared anything of yours lately? Unless they're family or a truly vague, introspective friend you know personally and care about a lot, consider removing these people too. If they haven't the time for you, you haven't the time for them.
    • Who has been difficult, inflammatory, bossy, Deal With a Pushy Salesperson, nosy, noisy, irritating? Cull them.
    • Anyone who Prevent Spam you or sends inane and trivial content on a regular basis is not a friend. Reduce their impact by removing them from your list.
    • Here's the big one. Do you really and truly care less about that reconnection with someone from school given the intervening 25 years of no connection until Facebook came along? Make sure neither of you are friends just because you're preening, being nosy, digging up dirt, or simply getting sadistic pleasure of rifling through their photos and laughing at how dreadful they've turned out. Unless your reconnection was absolutely genuine and mutually supportive, consider ditching these reconnections.
    • Ex's. They're ex's for a reason; remove them. Now.
    • And hello there. Is your boss truly your "friend"?
  7. Set aside an afternoon to go through your friends list the first time. Make yourself very comfortable and be sure there are no distractions so that you can get on with finishing the task. The first time will probably take the longest, then it's recommended that you clear out (update) your Facebook friendship list once a month, to stay on top of it.
    • Keep in mind such things as: What do I know about this person besides their recent updates? Have I had any contact with this person in the past year? Do I enjoy my communications with this person or are they a real burden? Am I just keeping them as friends out of a sense of obligation or as a favor to a friend I do know?[4]
    • Don't feel guilty for removing the people who aren't your real friends. Instead, feel empowered – you, the human, are taking back the power from the machine that wants you to perceive friendships where there are none.
  8. Decline friend requests like there is no tomorrow. Stop feeling guilty and take control of your Facebook life instead. If the other person is unable to handle rejection, then they have a learning curve ahead of them but it's not your responsibility to not upset them this way. Moreover, by being proactive up front and knocking back Facebook friend requests before the person even gets a toehold through the door, then you're staying on top of your Facebook and ensuring that your experience remains one of quality, not quantity, and that any engagement on the site is desired, not forced upon you.
    • Examine their Update on Facebook with great care. Should something interest you at all, put them on the back foot by asking them the question: "Please tell me why you want to be my friend. Please tell me more about yourself."[5]

Tips

  • Note the Birthday section, if you don't feel as though you should say Happy Birthday to them after Facebook clearly indicates it is their birthday, then you should consider removing them from your facebook friends
  • Consider removing them from your feed instead of deleting friends, this can prove to be a pragmatic way of keeping their posts off of your Facebook without actually having to delete them from your friends list.
  • Have a Facebook-free day a week. At least. Your friends will understand; those who don't can be added to the culling pile.
  • And wouldn't you know it? There is even a Facebook page for people who are discerning about who they add as friends on Facebook. You'll find it at: https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=26910582185.
  • Did you know? You are more likely to have too many online friends if you're single and your income is under US$24,000 a year.[1] Too much time on your hands, perhaps? There are definitely plenty more things you could be doing to spend the time more fruitfully than tossing it away on fake friends!

Warnings

  • If you validate your self-worth by the amount of people who befriend you online, realize that some day it will be revealed as mere smoke and mirrors, and if you haven't managed to maintain your offline friendships, you might end up one very lonely individual.
  • Be wary of those who argue that Facebook should be open to welcoming as many friends as possible into your life. Many of the people pushing this line are marketing or selling something even if it's just their social media guru status. Would you seriously let be so welcoming to so many "friends" in real life to the point of all other activities coming to a halt? Likely not, so be realistic! (And frankly, anyone who is using Facebook for marketing should make use of corporate Facebook pages, not those of individuals.)
  • Hackers remain an issue on Facebook; these are never friends and unfortunately, some people are convinced they are initially, only to have passwords, photos, identities, etc., stolen, as was the case of women whose full names, locations, and photos on Facebook were stolen for use on sex sites. Be vigilant about people pretending to be your friend and screen all requests with great depth; any doubt, leave them out of your circle. And maintain high privacy so that friends of friends of friends aren't alerting potential hackers to something of interest on your Facebook profile. Being discerning will keep you safer.
  • If someone does get upset at being removed as your friend, consider first if they are a real life friend or only someone you've met through cyberspace. In the latter case, grit your teeth and let go. In the former case, discuss it in the real world, apologize, and put them back in there if all works out.[4]
  • Real friends who annoy you with their status updates are not necessarily a reason for removal; simply hide their status updates under your Settings.[4]

Things You'll Need

  • Less Facebook, more RL time with real friends

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 http://www.stuff.co.nz/technology/digital-living/4953030/Kiwis-Facebooks-become-more-exclusive
  2. ↑ Amy Alkon, I See Rude People, pp. 12-15, (2010), ISBN 978-0-07-160021-7
  3. ↑ Ibid.
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 http://digitalcitizen.ca/2010/09/29/which-facebook-friends-should-i-remove/
  5. ↑ https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=26910582185
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