Ditch Insincere Friends

If you feel as if certain friends “just aren’t into you,” perhaps it may be time to clean house. Having insincere or thoughtless friends in your life cannot only make you feel blue, but they may also have a toxic influence on your health and well-being. Life is too short to play with insincere people, so take stock in who your real friends are and start shoring up your friend list.

Steps

  1. Identify the friends who bring negativity to your life. If you have friends who eye roll or whisper behind your back, you may want to put them on the “naughty” list. Personalities to watch out for include:
    • Judgmental: this friend tries to make you think that he knows better than you and/or attempts to correct you at every turn.
    • Manipulative: he doesn’t have your best interest at heart, but rather his own. This friend will dig into your weak spots and use them against you for his gain.
    • Narcissistic: it’s all about this friend 24/7. This friend is completely focused on his needs and is not concerned about you or your feelings.
    • Noncommittal: this friend never makes you a priority and when you really need a friend, he won’t be there to support you.
  2. Take stock in the friends who are consistently there for you. In order to truly determine which friends are insincere (or negative), first think about the friends whom you have no doubts about; the ones who are always there for you through thick and thin. Qualities to compare with your friends who are on the chopping block include:
    • Instances where you needed a friend. Think about the last time you had a crisis or even wanted to share a bit of wonderful news. How did your true friend react and how did the other friend respond?
    • How you share a conversation. During a conversation with a true friend, it's all about give and take. You share something from your day or life and then ask about your friend’s day or life, much like a game of tennis. Do you have conversations like this with your potentially insincere friend or is it one-sided, where your friend only wants to talk about himself and doesn’t ask about you?
    • Does your friend try to fix your problems or tell you what to do in order to get you to stop talking? A good friend will often just listen and commiserate with you when you are having a tough day or wrestling with difficult issues. If you don’t ask for advice, does your friend try to rush in and tell you what to do (or what you are doing wrong) so the conversation can be shifted back to them?
    • Spending time with your friend. Aside from long-distance friendships, do you spend quality time with your friend when it is mutually convenient for both of you, or only the times when your friend can squeeze you into his schedule?
  3. Reduce contact with insincere friends. Once you’ve confirmed that certain friends aren’t enhancing and enriching your life, cut the cord. You don’t have to get into a fight and yell and scream at the person, but you can bow out of the relationship gracefully. In some cases, the other “friend” may not even realize that you left the relationship because they had so little invested in it! (In other words, don't get too worried about their reaction.)
    • Stop calling the friend. Especially if you're the one who always initiates the calls, stop dialing the phone to have a conversation with him.
    • Don't comment on social media updates or posts. Don’t “unfriend” your friend, but don’t track and comment on photos or posts.
    • Keep communication short and to the point. If you have to email or call the insincere friend for any reason, be polite but keep the conversation or email topical. A simple “how are you?” is fine, but stay focused on the task at hand and don't delve any further into the other person’s life.
  4. Maintain your usual social circles but reduce overall interaction with the friend. Don’t cut yourself out of a mutual circle of friends in order to get away from this person, but in a social situation, migrate towards the folks who are your true friends and let the insincere friend float from person to person.
    • It may help to tell trusted friends why you're not hanging out with this person anymore, so they can understand your reasoning behind the cessation.
  5. Have prepared what you'll do or say if the insincere friend confronts you. In some cases, the insincere friend will wake up and realize that you aren’t calling or hanging out with him anymore. If you're going to ditch him for good, have a plan or a speech prepared in the event he confronts you and wants to know why you haven’t called. Some reasons you could use are:
    • “I’ve been busy.” The universal language for “I’m blowing you off so I’m going to say I’m busy” works because no one is going to question your schedule. Of course, saying that you're too busy never gets to the root of the problem, but if you're non-confrontational, this method may do the trick. Moreover, if this friend really did care, they'd try harder but since it's unlikely that they do, this brush-off will soon work.
    • “I’m not feeling the love.” Go for the gusto if you are prepared for a little fire. If you plan to tell your friend that you feel the relationship isn’t working for you, take responsibility for your feelings and avoid saying, “you make me feel....” If you own it, there is little the other person can do to accuse you of being wrong. If you plan to have this conversation, be ready to allow the other person to express how he feels. Don’t name-call or make accusations. The point of “breaking up” with the friend is to end the relationship, not to create more drama.
    • Complete avoidance. Another way you can deal (or not deal) with a potential confrontation is to completely hide from the other person. The “head in the sand” method may get tricky, especially if you share mutual friends or go to the same restaurants, bars or other retail establishments. Check caller I.D. before answering the phone (if it's “the friend,” let it go directly to voicemail) and don’t reply to emails, tweets or Facebook inquires. Hopefully after a few weeks, your ex-friend will get the hint and not pursue your friendship.
  6. Get on with your life. Your other friends are still there and you're a strong person for putting aside this energy-sapping insincere former friend. Don't dwell on it; the sooner that you learn to distance yourself from insincere people while remaining civil, the sooner you'll be better prepared for dealing with such people in all walks of life. View this crazy experience as a lesson learned.

Tips

  • Don’t drag other friends into the situation. Asking friends to “choose sides” puts everyone in an awkward position. However, you can ask them to understand why you're not interacting with this person anymore and ask them to respect that choice.
  • Be the bigger person and never allow the interchange to become nasty, no matter how mean or hurtful the other person may act.
  • If they don't want to be your friend, act like you don't need them. Find a new group of friends and they will get jealous and regret being a bad friend.
  • Remain dignified and classy throughout the process––never let them see you stress or worry.
  • Don't rush into doing this, it's a long term thing. Keep process slow and everything will work out fine.
  • It's okay to lose your friends.You will always get new ones in life.
  • If you are worried about how this will work out, try to spend time with other friends.

Warnings

  • Do not go out to see how they are handling the situation. Always stay away from what hurts you.
  • While it may be tempting for some, never talk about the insincere friend behind his or her back. This will only make you look vindictive and negative and can make existing friends worry about what you're saying about them behind their backs too.

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