Be Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend

Women, men, boyfriends, girlfriends, family members, relationship experts, and talking heads all disagree on whether former lovers can ever truly be friends after a relationship. Opinions are, apparently, split almost evenly: a 2004 NBC poll found about 48% of respondents remained friends with their ex after a relationship.[1] To some, friendship with an ex is natural. To others, it's a fool's errand and an invitation for further heartbreak. Your success will depend on your individual personalities and shared history, but if you're ready to give it a shot with your ex, read on!

Steps

Part One: Achieving Post-Breakup Peace

  1. Recognize that not all exes are friend material. There are are a variety of reasons for not becoming friends with an ex-boyfriend. He may still have his heart set on you - in this case, hanging out with him as a mere friend is cruel. The opposite may be true - if you're still into him, you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Finally, your breakup may have been because of something so serious that it's impossible to look at each other without resentment. If either of you has been deeply hurt, give each other a wide berth.
    • Even if he's calm, emotionally stable, and your history doesn't contain any gaping wounds, you simply might not want to see your ex again. This is fine. Exes don't necessarily have to be friends.
  2. Give him time. Even the cleanest breakups can be the cause of hard feelings for both parties. Immediately after a breakup, there's a chance he'll be sad or angry. This is no time to approach him as a friend. Wait for his emotional waters to settle before proceeding.
    • Similarly, listen to your own heart. If you've still got lingering anger or you're a little depressed, give yourself some time to settle before you make contact.
    • The length of time you spend apart from each other after a breakup will likely depend on the circumstances of the breakup itself. "Messier" breakups can require months or even years before your feelings have calmed to the point where a normal, friendly relationship is possible.
  3. Work on yourself. The period after a breakup is a great opportunity for reflection and self-improvement. After you've given your emotions some time to normalize, spend the time you previously spent with your boyfriend on yourself instead. Devote yourself to your hobbies or schoolwork. Spend time learning a new skill. Do things you like to do, alone or with friends. By improving yourself, you're also restoring your self-confidence and your sense of self-reliance, which will make it much easier to start new friendships (and, coincidentally, romances.)
    • After a few weeks of self-improvement, you may find that you don't even think about your ex anymore! This will make it much easier to either start a new friendship with him or ignore him entirely - whichever you choose.
  4. Make contact. After you've spent some serious time on yourself and you feel ready to take the plunge, call, text, email, or otherwise contact your ex. Test the waters gently - you may want to talk to one of his friends first to get a sense of his emotional state beforehand. Keep things as light as possible - don't talk about your old relationship or your break up. Just say that you haven't seen him in a long time and you'd like to casually meet up. If you're truly "over it", this should be the truth!
    • If your ex doesn't immediately respond to your attempts to make contact, don't try again right away. He may not have progressed past the relationship as quickly as you have. Give him more time.
    • Whatever you do, don't leave dozens of messages on his phone! If you feel the temptation to do this, you're almost certainly not ready for a friendship yet.

Part Two: Starting a New Friendship

  1. Spend time with him (cautiously.) Hang out with your ex on small social outings. At first, keep hang outs short and modest - a trip to a cafe or an art museum, for instance. Keep a full schedule (or at least pretend to.) If things get awkward, you can always use the excuse that you're running late for something else to get out of there!
    • Definitely don't do anything together that can be construed as a date. Don't stay out late, drink alcohol, or go dancing. You could find yourself falling for each other again, and if you haven't fixed the things that led to your breakup, you'll be setting yourself up for future heartbreak. Worse, you could ruin any new romances either of you has started with other people.
  2. Tell him directly that you want to be friends. Your ex might be confused about your intentions if you're not perfectly clear with him about what you want. Simply say, "I hope we can still be friends" or ask the question "We're still friends, right?" Don't leave this issue unaddressed - if you're vague about what you want from your new relationship, he might think you're trying to get back together with him. Spare yourself some terrible drama by being open and honest with him from the get-go.
  3. Don't pretend that nothing's changed. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to act like nothing's happened after a breakup. Doing so gives off the impression that you never cared. It can really hurt his feelings - at this point, that shouldn't be something you're trying to do. After you make contact, acknowledge your breakup without dwelling on it. You might try using phrases like these:
    • "I'm so glad I got to see you again."
    • "I really hope you're doing better. I am."
    • "I want to move on and start over as friends."
  4. Tell other people that you're just friends. If his friends knew about your old relationship, they'll be curious to know what's going on. If you have any reason to suspect he won't be honest with his friends, don't let him spin them a lie. Tell them you're looking to be friends with him and nothing more. If they hear from him that you're desperate to get back together but they hear from you that you're not, they'll probably (correctly) assume that he's the desperate one.
    • This has an added benefit - he'll probably talk to his friends, and they'll tell him that you said your relationship is only a friendly one. If he sees that you're defining your relationship in platonic terms in front of other people, he'll have a greater incentive to respect your opinion.
    • If you have a new boyfriend or he has a new girlfriend, be sure to make your friendly intentions clear to these people right away. Even if you do, feelings of jealousy may be unavoidable - if so, you'll have to weigh these against your new friendship with your ex.
  5. Show that you still care about him. Make sure that he knows he can still turn to you when he's feeling down. If he is having a bad day, talk to him. Show him that you still care for his feelings. However, do this as a friend would - don't hold him, hug him, or do anything else that might rouse old feelings. Instead, offer to talk to him - often, he'll appreciate being able to talk about his problems to someone who understands him well.
    • Conversely, let him (respectfully) show that he cares about you. He probably does. Accept his good wishes and talk to him if you need to, but don't let him use your vulnerability as an excuse to get into your heart again.

Part Three: Making a Repaired Relationship Last

  1. Know the signs that show he's still into you. It's difficult for anyone to suddenly view someone they used to love as a mere platonic friend. Some people simply can't do it. If your ex boyfriend is showing any of the following behavior, you may want to consider giving him more time to move on:
    • Calling or texting you regularly without a specific reason
    • Constantly talking to your friends
    • Making inappropriate, overly-intimate jokes or references
    • Bringing up things about your old relationship
    • Touching or brushing up against you, accidentally or otherwise
  2. Explain things very clearly to a new BF. If you've gotten a new boyfriend since you broke up with your ex, the situation becomes substantially more complex. Even the most understanding boyfriends will likely be a little jealous at first. Some may never stop being jealous. The best you can do is to clearly and calmly explain that you're not "into" your old ex. Explain to your current boyfriend that you love him only and that you're just looking for harmless, inconsequential fun with the ex - nothing more. Make it very, very clear that you don't (even better if you say that you can't ) think of your ex in "that way" any more.
    • Your ex will also need to have this conversation with his new significant other, if he has one.
    • Don't do anything to give your new boyfriend any reason to suspect foul play. For instance, don't stay out later than you said you would until he becomes comfortable with you hanging around your ex. However, if your new boyfriend is acting very paranoid about your new friendship (constantly texting you for updates while you're hanging out with the ex, etc.), it's OK to dress him down. If you've given him no reason not to trust you, you deserve his trust.
  3. Don't fall into old patterns. If you want to be friends with an ex, do not do the things you used to do when you were dating. If you do, you're inviting inappropriate feelings of infidelity (if you have a new boyfriend) and setting yourself up for a "relapse" and possible heartbreak. Start anew - take the opportunity to experience new sights and activities as friends.
    • Avoid locations you used to visit - don't go to the restaurant you used to get breakfast at or the bar where you first met.
    • Refuse to participate in the activities you used to do together - if he invites you to feed the ducks at the park like you used to do every Sunday, tell him you'd rather meet for coffee.
  4. Make sure your ex and you aren't still hurting. Initial interactions with your ex can be tense, but, with luck, this will soon give way to cordial politeness. Once you've let your guards down, however, you may discover that one or both of you still harbors emotional wounds. Deep-rooted feelings of betrayal and heartbreak can take time to emerge. If you encounter these things, they may be signs that you and your ex aren't ready to be friends yet.
    • If you get sad or angry around your ex despite both of you projecting a happy exterior, or if you always feel that you want to say more to him than you can politely say, your problems might not be sorted out yet. Take some time off from your friendship.
    • Conversely, if he seems moody or irritable or he won't talk to you about anything meaningful despite his willingness to meet, he's probably thinking about your old relationship and/or the things that led you to break up. You can ask him if he is, but be warned that this can push him towards irrational anger or sadness.
  5. Allow your relationship to gradually deepen. Over time, you may grow close to each other again. Take things slowly - only allow your friendship to mature when doing so seems natural. Establish boundaries for yourself early on - things you won't do or talk about with this person - and only lift the boundaries when you're sure you can trust him
    • Equally likely is the possibility that you find you don't like being friends with your ex! In this case, just stop hanging out with him, but be warned - he might not give up as easily. Awkward feelings of clingy-ness are, unfortunately, a very real possibility when trying to start a friendship with an ex.

Tips

  • If someone asks what's going on between both of you, this is a golden opportunity to say "Oh we're friends." That will get you where you want to be.
  • Tell jokes and make him smile.
  • Talk to him like you would your best friend.
  • If you're both in the same school, try working in the same group he is for an assignment. Teamwork will bring you closer.

Warnings

  • Don't try to be friends with him if he has done something bad to you that ended the relationship. This will make you look like a sucker for punishment.
  • Depending on how bad the relationship ended, you might not be able to be friends with him again.
  • Don't ever talk to him about old times, as this might put some awkward moments in your conversations with him and might ruin your goal.

Related Articles

  • Like Your Current Boyfriend when You Still Love Your Ex

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/wreckage/should_you_be_friends_with_your_ex.aspx
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