Deal With an Evil Ex Boyfriend

Break-ups are always difficult. Ending an important relationship activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain, which means that breaking-up with someone you really care about actually hurts.[1] Everyone has to go through it, and there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with the pain of trying to move on. If your ex-boyfriend is taking the latter route by trying to punish or hurt you, the best thing you can do is focus on your health and well-being.

Steps

Staying Safe

  1. Assess the severity of your situation. If he is physically stalking or harassing you, or has made threats to your physical safety or your quality of life, you may need to involve the police and courts.[2] Each state has different names for this type of court order against personal contact and different rules for issuing one.
    • Do you feel like you are in physical danger from him?
    • Has he made non-physical threats, like harming your emotional or financial stability, alienating you from friends or family, or keeping you from dating other guys?
    • If his behavior is merely annoying or mildly disturbing your social life, but you do not feel afraid of him, move on to the next section. If you are not sure if he is dangerous, ask someone you trust, preferably who has met him and seen some of the worrisome behaviors firsthand.
  2. Stop all contact and communication with him. Even if he initiates it, do not respond to any calls or messages. This will only encourage him to continue since he succeeded in engaging you. [3]
    • If he keeps calling or texting you, change your number and ask the phone company to keep your number unlisted and to block it from appearing on others’ caller ID. This is not foolproof, but in most instances can be done. [4]
    • Cut him off from your social media as much as possible. Sometimes you can’t control this, especially when they are “friends of friends.” If he is commenting on your mutual friends’ posts, ask them not to tag you and change your privacy setting to friends only.[5]
  3. Keep a log of every attempt to contact you. This includes attempts to contact you through mutual friends, family members or neighbors. [3]
    • To report stalking or threats, you will need to show proof. Keep any voicemails, texts, or messages he sends you to give the judge. Download and print out text messages or take screen shots of them to print. Print emails or messages on social media.[3]
    • Bring witnesses if possible. Witnesses should have actually seen the behavior or have direct knowledge of it from him.
  4. Get a protective or restraining order if you feel threatened. Rules for getting a restraining or protective order from the courts are different in every state, so research your state’s laws. [3]
    • Some states require a verbal threat of physical harm or verifiable intent to attack in order to get a protective or restraining order issued. However, your state may also have anti-stalking laws, so research those too.[6]
    • If you cannot meet the burden of proof for needing a protective order, but his actions result in a pending and related court case, a judge may be willing to issue a no-contact order if you explain why you feel you need one.
    • “No-contact” means that he cannot try to reach you directly or indirectly. In essence, he can get into more trouble for any attempt to contact you, even through others, or showing up in places you frequent that he has no reason to visit.[7]
  5. Call 911 if you feel you are immediate danger. Keep a cell phone on you at all times and turn on 1-number emergency dialing if your phone allows.
    • If you don’t have a cell phone, there are programs that may be able to provide you one for free.[4]
    • If you are not in immediate danger, but feel a threat is imminent and don't know who to talk to, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to get advice or a referral for legal assistance.[8]
    • Trust your instincts. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. Don’t worry about how he will react if you call the police or whether or not you are overreacting. Put your safety and mental health before any considerations of his feelings, and trust your gut feeling.[9]
  6. Tell friends, family and authority figures about your situation.[10] Inform your teachers, coaches, school officials, co-workers and bosses about his unwanted attempts to contact you. If your school or office has security, give them a description and a picture, if possible, with a brief explanation of the situation.[3]
    • Make sure your friends and co-workers know not to give your personal information to anyone without your express permission—no matter what story they may tell about why they need to get in touch with you right away.
    • Ask your school’s office or human resources department at work to put a note in your file describing the problem so that any new staff are aware of what is going on.
    • Don’t be embarrassed about it. It is never your fault that someone else will not leave you alone when told to. It’s better to admit to others what is going on than to let a lack of knowledge cause serious problems for you or them later.[3]
  7. Try not to be alone in public. When you go to the gym or walk to class, ask a friend to go with you. Don’t stay at the library or at work late by yourself. Get a family member to walk the dog with you.
    • Always park you vehicle in a well-lit area and get someone to escort you if at all possible.[4]
    • If you absolutely cannot find someone to be with you, carry a defensive tool like pepper spray or a panic button with you when alone. Check your states laws on protective tools to make sure you are not violating any first.
  8. Don’t make it easy for him to find you. Don’t post your plans or whereabouts on social media beforehand or during. You can post about events afterwards, but never tag yourself at a geographic location while you are still there.[3]
  9. Make a safety plan. Decide what you will do in the case of any incidents and tell a friend or family member. [3]
    • Note nearby police stations to drive to if you think he is following you.
    • Create a verbal or written code you can say or text your safety person if you are in trouble. Make sure they know that this phrase means to call the police immediately.[4]

Handling Passive-Aggressive Behaviors

  1. Don’t try to refute or counter every untruth. Choose the important issues to argue. Don’t try to prove what he says isn’t true, because it is nearly impossible unless he makes specific accusations. Just say it isn’t true and let it go. If your history is full of trustworthy examples and integrity, people will believe you.[11]
    • If someone in your mutual circle is helping spread lies, confront them directly, but without emotion, and ask them to stop gossiping and spreading falsehoods. [11]
  2. Don’t trash talk your ex. This will only make you look the same in the long run. Is better to stand up for yourself with integrity and resist gossiping about your ex. [11]
  3. Own your mistakes. Make amends if possible. Doing so gives you more credibility when refuting untruths and reminds others that everyone is human and makes mistakes.[11]
  4. Make sure your actions are not just reactions. Do not act in order to reach a specific outcome—whether to hurt him back or to get others on ‘your’ side. Your first priority should always be what is best for you.[9]
    • In each instance, explore the consequences of every option and choose either the one that has the fewest negative ones or the most positive ones for you.
    • For example, if he is trashing you to mutual friends, think over your possible reactions and your friends might take them before blurting something out loud.

Taking Care of Your Emotional and Mental Health

  1. Recognize that you can only control your own behavior. To constantly worry about what he will do next and how he is making your life miserable will only make you feel worse. It is destructive to focus all your energy externally and not on yourself.[11]
    • Stop trying to control things you cannot, and re-direct your energy towards regaining personal power.
  2. Let go of anger and resentment. These emotions will drain your energy and keep you stuck on your ex and/or the current situation. Use your energy instead for working towards the future you want for yourself and/or making your present situation more bearable. [12]
    • Rather than focus on what he is doing to make you unhappy now, remember why you were with him in the first place. There was a reason you liked him initially and you probably had some really good times together.[1]
    • When you feel angry or hurt by something he does, refocus your thoughts toward trying to understand why he acted that way. Seeing his perspective might make his actions easier to accept and move past.[13]
  3. Practice compassion instead of judgment. Most people act negatively out of fear—the fear of being disrespected, of not being loved, or of what may go wrong. People also usually cause harm to others because they are feeling bad themselves and want to share it with you. They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness. [14]
    • People hurt others due to ignorance and self-concern. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.[14]
    • Think about your motivations before you act on any impulses. Try to acknowledge that your motivations for reacting probably initially stem from these fears or negative thoughts.[13]
  4. Take away his power to hurt you emotionally. Nothing your ex does can bother you unless you decide to let it. You can’t control his behavior or what others think about your relationship, but you can decide to not let it ruin your day.[14]
    • Remember that “evilness” is simply a judgment, and not really a useful one. Unless he is threatening you with physical violence or has committed a severe transgression against your general well-being, he is probably not inherently a bad person.[14]
    • Labeling your ex as “evil” pits you and him on opposite sides of a struggle, making him seem more powerful than he really is. Realizing you are both fallible human beings takes away any advantages you may be giving him accidentally.
    • If he has committed violence or voices an intention to do so, however, take this very seriously and get help from professionals—police, courts, counselors, etc.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/02/how-to-deal-with-your-ex/
  2. ↑ http://acadv.org/warning-signs/dating-violence/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 3.6 3.7 http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=178
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm#safety
  5. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/#tab-id-6
  6. ↑ https://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-laws/criminal-stalking-laws-by-state
  7. ↑ http://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-a-no-contact-order/
  8. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#tab-id-10
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 http://acadv.org/get-help/safety-tips/
  10. ↑ http://acadv.org/get-help/safety-tips/
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 http://www.manipulative-people.com/when-your-character-disordered-ex-defames-and-makes-trouble-for-you/
  12. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/emotional-intelligence-toolkit/step-three.htm
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
  14. ↑ 14.0 14.1 14.2 14.3 http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-be-hurt-less-by-so-called-evil-people/
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