Deal With Breaking Up with Your Boyfriend

Breaking up with someone can be hard. If you're the one who decides to end the relationship, tell your boyfriend you want to break up in a clear, concise fashion. Whether you're the one who decided to break up or not, there will likely be pain after a breakup. Manage any negative feelings you experience by being kind to yourself. Eventually, work on moving forward. Make new friends, take up new hobbies, and look towards the future.

Steps

Managing Your Feelings

  1. Replace irrational thoughts with rational ones. After a breakup, you may find yourself having irrational thoughts. People often think things that are not rational when they're upset. Learn to recognize irrational thoughts in the moment and then replace them with rational ones.[1]
    • Be aware of what you're thinking. When a very negative thought surfaces, question whether it's rational. For example, you think something like, "I will never find someone who makes me this happy."
    • Pause and question that. While you're upset now, everyone goes through breakups. Most people move on eventually.
    • Try to replace this thought when it surfaces. For example, think instead, "It's okay I feel this way now, but I will be happy with someone again."
  2. Look for the positives. Breaking up is hard, and it's normal to feel upset. If you broke up with him, you may feel guilt that you hurt him. If he broke up with you, you may miss him. However, appreciate both of you were honest and ended things. It's not fair to keep a relationship going if it's not working. Try to see this as a positive.[2]
    • Many people dislike confrontation and, as a result,stay in a relationship in which they're not really happy. It's much better to be honest and break things off directly than to let it linger.
    • While you both may be hurting, it would have hurt more in the long run to prolong a relationship that wasn't working.
  3. Remind yourself why things ended. If you're feeling doubts about the breakup, remind yourself why it happened. There must have been a reason things ended. Remembering this can help you feel gratitude that the relationship is over rather than regret.[2]
    • Did you break up because you fought a lot? Did you not really like spending time with one another? Was there a lot of tension and jealousy in your relationship?
    • It can help to actually write down a list of things that made you unhappy. This will help you remember that it's a positive that things ended.
  4. Get rid of reminders. You want to make sure you don't get too hung up on a relationship after it ends. This often means getting rid of reminders in your home. Throw out old gifts and mementos from your relationship, or at least put them in a box and keep them out of sight. Avoid listening to music or watching movies and TV that remind you of your significant other. One day, you may be able to look back on reminders and feel happy. However, when the wound is still fresh, it's best to get rid of them.[3]

Moving Forward

  1. Limit contact. While you may want to stay friends with your ex, this is hard to do directly after a relationship ends. It's a good idea to limit contact as much as you can in the wake of the breakup. If seeing your ex is unavoidable, like if you go to school together or work together, then this might be difficult, but try to have as little contact as possible while you heal. If you can, cut off contact completely, if only temporarily. This will help you move on.[3]
    • If you're friends with your ex on social media, it's a good idea to block his updates or unfriend him for a bit. This way, you won't speculate about what he's doing and whether he's seeing someone else.
    • You may decide that you don't wish to be friends with your ex at all, and that's okay, too. Staying friends with an ex can be confusing, and you may find yourself second guessing the break up if you stay in touch.
    • The amount of contact you have with your ex may be influenced by other factors, such as if you have children together or if you shared a bank account. If this is the case, you and your ex will have to work out a firm and detailed agreement about how you will manage these issues, whether it's figuring out a schedule for child care or sitting down and separating out your finances.
  2. Make plans with others. Reigniting and strengthening friendships can help after a breakup. Try to make plans as much as you can right after breaking up with someone. This can help you focus on the present over the past.[4]
    • Try calling up a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Friendships often falter when you're involved with someone, so think about anyone you could would like to reconnect with.
    • You can also try to make new friends. Try to ask a co-worker to get coffee or grab drinks with someone you know from the gym.
    • If you and your ex have mutual friends, it might be a good idea to step back from those relationship for a little while. You don't want to put your friends in an awkward position, and you may be tempted to ask them about your ex or want to vent about him. These friends may also take sides or try to influence you to get back together with your ex.
  3. Take up new hobbies. A new hobby can help you keep your mind in the present. It also may be an opportunity to make new friends. If you knit, for example, you can try joining a knitting circle.[4]
    • If you stopped any hobby during the relationship, try to take up that hobby again. For example, if your boyfriend never wanted to go hiking, start hiking again.
  4. Accept it when your boyfriend moves on. Sometimes it can help to see someone else has moved on. If you get news your boyfriend has a new girlfriend or boyfriend, try to accept this. Remind yourself some relationships are temporary and that you will move on too. This can also help with guilt if you're the one who broke up with him.[2]

Breaking Up Respectfully

  1. Think about what you'll say. When breaking up with someone, it's important to go into the situation with some kind of plan. If you're breaking up with your boyfriend, spend some time identifying your feelings and figuring out how to best express them.[5]
    • Figure out your own feelings. Why do you want out of the relationship? Think about why it has not been working for you and how to best convey this to your boyfriend.
    • Think about what you might say. You should be honest without being brutal. For example, if you think your boyfriend is boring, say something along the lines of, "I'm not sure we're compatible in terms of personality," instead of outright saying you're bored.
    • Try to predict how your boyfriend may react — think about how you would feel if you were him. This can help you go into the situation from a place of sensitivity and empathy.
    • It may be helpful to discuss this with a trusted friend. Talking it over can help you clarify your feelings, and they can let give you an outside perspective on your approach. For instance, they may point out that you're not being direct enough and that it might confuse your boyfriend and give him false hope.
  2. Be honest. It's never easy to break up, but it's always best to be honest. Go into the conversation from a place of directness. Open it by saying, "I've been thinking about it, but I think we should see other people." From there, you can offer more of an explanation.[6]
    • Remaining calm, explain your reasons. Remember, you don't have to be hurtful. However, it will give your boyfriend closure to know why the relationship ended.
    • For example, "I care about you a lot, but we're both going to different schools next year. I think the distance won't be good for us or our relationship."
  3. Avoid blame. There are often hurt feelings or resentments accompanying breakups. It's okay to feel angry, frustrated, or hurt about things your boyfriend has done and said in the past. However, try to avoid blaming him for the relationship's end. It's best to walk away from a relationship from as positive a place as possible.[6]
    • Try not to bring up the past too much. You can certainly make generalizations based on past events. For example, "I feel like we've always been on a different page in regarding our social lives."
    • However, there's no need to rehash old arguments. Do not, for example, say, "I was so upset when you made us leave Sophie's birthday party early."
  4. Look for positives. Try to end the conversation on a good note. Let your boyfriend know what you gained from being with him and talk about positive things in the future.[6]
    • Express gratitude for the relationship. For example, "I will always treasure everything I learned from being with you."
    • You should also try to frame the relationship in a positive light. For example, "I think this will be good for us both in the long run."

Tips

  • Keep out of places that you went together to avoid memories.

Related Articles

  • Cope After Your Best Friend Broke Up Your Relationship

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/surviving-your-breakup/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 https://pairedlife.com/breakups/How-to-stop-feeling-guilty-about-breaking-up-with-your-boyfriend-or-girlfriend-Getting-over-breakup-guilt
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/top-10-ways-get-over-breakup
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/29/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/
  5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html#
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201509/4-ways-break-someone-compassionately
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