Be an Effective Parent to an Adolescent Girl

Being an effective parent to an adolescent (teen) girl requires a lot of understanding and patience on your behalf. Here are a few tips based on theories and experience.

Steps

  1. Love your daughter. Although you naturally do love your daughter, she might not always know that. Not only does she sometimes feel insecure, but she needs to know that you love her for who she is. Remember to keep telling and showing her that she is loved. It's surprisingly easy to overlook, and it can turn your daughter's whole outlook around.
  2. Listen to your daughter. Although it's natural to want to constantly dispense advice, encouragement, commentary, and question her, you're more likely to get insights into her by really paying attention to what she is saying (or not saying) and how she says it. She'll also be more likely to listen to you if she feels she's being heard. If she isn't ready to listen to advice and just wants you to be there for her, don't say anything. She will eventually be ready to listen to you, and that is the right time to talk to her.
  3. Make it easier for your daughter to listen:
    • Sometimes approaching her with a written letter given in person is a persuasive method of getting her to 'listen' to what you have to say. She can take the letter to her own space and read it in her own time. Give her a day or two to digest it and to come up with her response.
    • When you're talking (or writing), address her directly. Don't bring in information about other people or unrelated issues. Listen to what she has to say and create an open environment without judging her.
    • Don't create comparisons, such as with a sibling. This will make her feel as if she is a lesser person than someone else. That's not fair.
    • Admit when you're wrong, even if she wasn't right either. A teenager can deal with a parent admitting he or she is imperfect. This gives her the space to reflect on her own contributions and lets her know that you are serious in working things through. Also, it shows her respect.
  4. Call in a mentor if needed. Sometimes, Mom or Dad cannot or is not the ideal person for your girl to go to for advice. That does not mean she disrespects your or thinks you don't know anything. Respect your daughter's choice of adviser (as long as that person is capable, safe, and otherwise reasonable).
  5. Encourage your daughter's social life in a positive fashion. She will increasingly be seeing her friends as important figures in her life. This doesn't mean you are not important. It means she is developing an adult social life.
    • Don't allow her social life to get in the way of her studies. While you shouldn't keep her home from every party, make sure she is doing well in school.
      • However, avoid telling her she needs to get a certain grade in order to go to a party. This will make her feel stressed and negative because her social life is at risk. As long as she does her best, you should be proud of her and help her in areas that she may not be doing as well in.
      • Use rewards to help her increase her grades instead. For example: If she gets a B on her next test, you'll take her out to ice cream or her favorite restaurant. Don't make your expectations too high, but don't let her be lazy.
  6. Be a role model. Be a decent person who is always there for your daughter, ready to listen and advise when needed. If your intent is to treat others with respect and dignity, she will pick this up and emulate it.
  7. Interact sensitively. Like it or not, adolescents have a hard time interacting with parents at times. Sometimes they want to pretend they don't have parents. But you can still show your love. Use the power of a mere caring glimpse, a short small smile. It can break down the difficulties between you and let her know that you are receptive to a discussion, or just there for a bear hug should she need it.
  8. If you need to demonstrate sympathy for her, be genuine. Her feelings are as real as yours. Don't belittle her feelings if she appears to feel something deeply, like a break-up, a letdown at school or other events in her life. Give her examples of what you went through as a teenager and how you managed them to help her realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that she can move on. (Although she may act like she cannot believe you were ever her age!)
  9. Give your daughter choices whenever possible. Being a teenager is hard, as you are at the mercy of adults. Having some power to choose almost always helps.
  10. Although give her her space, she still needs your guidance and attention. Teenagers need to know their boundaries, right from wrong, and discipline. She will act and say they don't want your attention, but in reality, it's your involvement that helps guide her into being a great woman.
  11. Remember that although your daughter may be as tall or taller than you, and looks like a woman, her brain is not completely grown. She does not think like a grown-up. She may make some not-very-well-thought-out choices, she may be impulsive, she may do bizarre things at times. The reason is she isn't using all her brain yet. So be patient; she'll get there.

Warnings

  • Your daughter's around a lot of kids that cuss, so if she swears in front of you (and it bothers you) remember it's just an accident and tell her to watch her mouth, and that's it. Don't make it a big deal. She's probably ashamed and there's no point of making it worse for her.
  • Be careful about forbidding your daughter from seeing a friend/boyfriend that you dislike. You are better off allowing them time together in places you feel they are well supervised such as your home or a public place. You can also take the time to point out the ways the person may not be the best friend/boyfriend and hope that she will come to her senses. Flat out forbidding the person usually just makes the relationship that more bittersweet and they will go out of their way to be together.

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