Turn Your Troubled Teenage Child Into a Responsible Adult
Although we cannot "turn" a teenager into a responsible adult, we can guide them as best we know how, and provide the resources for them to grow into this role. Patience and perseverance will help, but dig in, it may be an uphill battle all the way.
Steps
- Determine what (if anything) is troubling your teen. This seems classically obvious, but often it is not. If there is a peer issue, chances are it has developed gradually and without apparent cause. Friendships are the support network for many teens, and when friends change or leave, new ones fill their space, and behavior often reflects this situation. Teenagers often can be radically changed by peer pressure, and may adapt to new friends by imitating or trying to act like them.
- Watch for the indications of drug use, another obvious possible problem in the life of a troubled teen. There are lists upon lists of what to watch for, but difficulty concentrating, a drop in school performance, and personality shifts are associated with drug use. Dealing with this problem may mean seeking counseling.
- Listen to your teen. It is said the common conversation with a teen involves you asking a number of questions, and listening to "nothing", "I dunno", and "Yeah, right" from their end of the talk. This may be true some of the time with some teens, but when the communication channel is open with them, make the best of it by listening to what they have to say.
- Talk to their friends if they are available and you suspect a problem. Keeping this avenue open means accepting their friends, and being friendly with them. Keep your home open to them as much as possible, offer to let them come over for an evening meal, to watch a movie, or other activities they enjoy. Often, a friend of your teen's will come to the realization your son or daughter has a problem they need help with, and be willing to tell you what is going on, if you are on good terms with them.
- Give your teen a taste of responsibility. To become a responsible adult, a teen needs to have responsibilities as a teen. If you have set a "chore" list, see to it that your teen follows it. If they get an allowance, make them accountable for it, especially for their discretionary spending. Obviously, if your teen buys their clothes and meals with their allowance, you cannot deprive them of these, but money for entertainment and snacks is not a physical necessity. When they spend their money irresponsibly, let them do without these.
- Give your teen the respect they deserve, and let them know that they must earn it. The first step here is for them to respect you, and secondly, other adults including teachers, coaches, police, and your friends with whom they may have social contact. Disrespect is a growing problem in society today, and teaching and instilling respectful behavior is essential for dealing with people successfully.
- Keep your teen active in the family setting. Have your teen sit down for an evening meal at least several nights each week, and engage them in discussions on family issues when possible. Tell them what is going on in your life, and other family members, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. If they are interested, share about your work, hobbies, or other things you are involved with.
- Be aware of your teens health. Eating disorders are commonplace among teens, and the home is still the primary place for them to come for food, so watch what they eat, and have healthy snacks and beverages there for them. Make dental appointments and schedule checkups on a regular basis.
- Try to get an understanding of what cultural and social influences they may be leaning toward. Gangs are probably one of the more troublesome involvements they may get into, but there are also cults which can prey on teens and lead them into serious trouble. Steer them away from these if you have any doubt of their intentions.
- Talk to the parents of their friends, and make it a point to be connected with them if you are able. Many common problems among teens behave like an epidemic, and it may be that other teen's parents are dealing with the same issues you are, and by networking with them, the chances of finding solutions to problems increases.
- Reassure your teen that you are there for them, and then prove it to them. Telling a teenager you are behind them, and then failing to back up your words will only make it less likely they will come back to you when they have a problem later on. By the time your child is a teenager, they will have made decisions about how they will react to you, and how much help they can expect from you, but never stop assuring them of your caring and love.
- Seek professional help before a problem becomes a crisis. This is especially true concerning drug use, since one "bad trip" or experiment may leave them in serious legal problems or worse, but it also should have your attention regarding their mental health. Teen depression is a serious issue, and teen suicide is all too common. These are areas where the advice should be coming from someone specifically trained and qualified.
- Encourage your teen to look for a job when it is the appropriate time, but pushing often will cause the reverse effect you desire, so don't force the issue. A better technique might be to talk to people who might be potential summer employers and talk to neighbors and friends who might need odd jobs or lawn work done.
- Be your teen's advocate whenever you can be, without compromising your beliefs or ethics. There may be times when he or she has no one else to turn to, and if they know they can depend on you, you will be their refuge and strength when they need you.
- Never give up. Many parents have been through the trials, thinking all along hope was lost, and then, almost miraculously, their child emerges from those trying years intact, competent, and ready to face life head on.
Tips
- Look for groups and activities to for your teen to engage in that offer a chance to grow and mature.
- If you are a religious person, make it a point to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
- Many teens have trouble finding themselves. This means that they don't know if they are athletes or goths, so let them experiment. This doesn't mean let your child get a nose piercing, but let them figure things out for themselves, and try to support them.
Warnings
- If you even think your teen is depressed or experimenting with drugs, get professional help.
Things You'll Need
- Friends and family to come alongside you in your efforts.
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