Accept That Your Child is Homosexual or Bisexual

Finding out that your son or daughter is gay, lesbian or bisexual can come as a shock, but it is important that you can learn to understand and accept your child for who they are. This is very important because it can knock your child's confidence if you don't support their views.

Steps

  1. Be sure your child knows that you love them. They've faced struggles too and suffered from internal turmoil—don't make them feel any worse. Imagine their internal struggle when these confusing feelings arose.
  2. Talk to your child. Be proud that they trusted you enough to tell you. Today's society is not always accepting. Have an open dialogue where you can both ask questions and share concerns. Remember, your child probably feels a little confused and very nervous also. Focus on being non-judgmental, rather than accusatory, even if the subject makes you uncomfortable. The most reassuring thing you can say is,"I love you, and I am proud of you for telling me."
  3. Remember that this is just who your child is, and whether you believe they were born like that or not, you still want your child to feel comfortable enough to feel that they can be true to themselves around you. It's part of their identity, just like their freckles or their laugh. They haven't changed—they're the same person they were yesterday.
  4. Make an effort to learn about sexuality. You will be able to better understand your child's thoughts and feelings. This will also give you something to talk about. Maybe you can try catching up with LGBT+ news and pop culture.
  5. Try to accept your child. If you have trouble accepting your child's sexuality, consider joining a group geared towards parents where you can talk to your peers about your feelings. Talking to a counselor is another option.
    • Remember that many LGBT+ stereotypes are untrue. Bisexual or homosexual people are not necessarily more promiscuous than heterosexual people, nor are they any more likely to be pedophiles or rapists.
    • Ask yourself: if somebody is gay or bisexual, whom are they hurting? Is a consenting relationship causing any actual harm?
    • Consider what your prejudices (if any) might reflect upon yourself. Why do you feel the way you do? Are you projecting your own fears or hatred onto others?
  6. Become an advocate to family and friends. If you present your child with shame or belittle them, your family may echo your attitude. Foster acceptance by showing your family and friends you respect and understand your child. Even acting like you accept something can be a positive step toward opening your mind and true acceptance.
  7. Be calm. Don't get angry or tell them that what they have "decided/accepted" is wrong or suggest that it's just a phase and will go away. Remember that your child may be frightened to tell you, or get the feeling that you would disown or hate them. If you believe that your child "chooses" the lifestyle they are living, and could just as well choose a heterosexual lifestyle, ask yourself: Who would voluntarily choose a life marked by fear of discovery, discrimination, and isolation by classmates, friends, colleagues, and family? Would you choose to live in circumstances that made your life a lot more difficult and keep it that way just for the heck of it?
  8. Ask your child what their sexuality means to them. For some people, it is not a big deal. It is just one aspect of who they are. For other people, it is fundamental to who they are. It is important for you to understand where your child is coming from. If it is just one aspect of who they are, repeatedly encouraging them to date and talking about their orientation may upset them. If on the other hand, it is fundamental to who they are, being more of an LGBT+ activist and inquiring into your child's dating life may be more appreciated.

Tips

  • If you believe that your child "chooses" the lifestyle he/she is living, and could just as well choose a heterosexual lifestyle, ask yourself: Who would voluntarily choose a life marked by fear of discovery, discrimination, and isolation by classmates, friends, colleagues, and family? Would you choose to live in circumstances that made your life a lot more difficult and keep it that way just for the heck of it? Do you still think they would if they could just as well be easily accepted by you and their environment? Did you "choose" to be straight?
  • Consider that even though you may think your child's feelings or actions are "wrong", they are as natural to him or her as it is for you to feel attracted to or to love your partner. How would you feel if someone told you holding your partner's hand in public or spending time with him/her was unacceptable or worse?
  • Your child knows better than anyone else who they want and are attracted to. Even if your child comes out late in life, does not fit the stereotypes that you have in mind for people who are LGBT, or had apparent kid-crushes on the opposite sex when they were younger, this does not mean that your child is actually strictly heterosexual, and refusing to take their word for it on their identity may damage the relationship you have with them permanently.
  • Listen to your child. Don‘t ignore anything they have to say. Remember, this is a big secret your child has been hiding for a while, so they need to say something.
  • Just as you would discuss contraception with a straight son or daughter, make sure you discuss the very real, very important fact that protection is still necessary. Pregnancy isn't the only thing you should worry about, no matter who you have intercourse with.
  • Realize that your child has been through an incredible struggle. Concealing homo/bisexuality and facing prejudice can both be extremely difficult, especially in high school. Be aware of the suffering they have experienced, and be proud and supportive of their ability to accept themselves.
  • If your religious beliefs discourage certain aspects of homosexuality, discuss with your child what this will mean for them. Prepare them for any discrimination they could face within your religious community, and let them know about any lifestyle choices they will be expected to make (this could include chastity, not making their homosexuality publicly known, etc. depending on your religious beliefs). Understand that this may cause them to leave a faith.
    • Mention that they might consider moving to a different sect of faith. For example, a young lesbian might take issue with Catholic doctrine, but still love Jesus and become a nondenominational Christian instead.
  • Ask questions, but don't be offensive or patronising.
  • If your child comes out as bisexual or homosexual, don't assume they are just confused. Both are valid sexual preferences.
  • Accept them for who they are. You were once yourself, so let them be themselves too.

Warnings

  • Don't kick them out, or use hateful words against them, this also could ruin your relationship with them forever.
  • Don't berate your child about the dangers that homosexual and bisexual people face in society due to discrimination. Your child probably already knows first-hand at least some of this discrimination, and by berating your child about it, you are only going to make them feel worse.
  • Don't try to change your child's sexuality. They can't become straight any more than you can become gay.

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