Bond With Your Adopted Child

Bonding with your adopted child can be easier than you think. The level of difficulty will vary depending on the child's age and the experiences they went through in foster care or with the biological parents, but this article assumes they are past the infant and toddler stage. The main thing to remember is that the child does want to be loved and find a stable and supportive home, no matter how distant or upset they may seem.

Steps

  1. Love the child. Let them know that you are there for them and that you would like to spend time with them.
  2. Find activities that the child will be interested in that will benefit them intellectually and emotionally. Spend time with them so that you can learn more about them and bond.
  3. If you live in a culture that values privacy and personal space (e.g., modern western cultures), give them a personal space to spend time in, and respect that space as theirs. Knock on the door before entering, and, no matter how much you may dislike it, allow them to decorate and paint (or help them paint) the room so that it is their own space. They need to feel that the new home is their own and that they can feel comfortable staying there. Howbeit this may not be practical if they must share rooms with others, as not every family is able to afford each family member his or her own space, especially in developing countries. It is more important to emphasize mutual love and respect for all members of the household.
  4. If your child is of a different religion or nationality than you, respect it. Ask the child if they would like to celebrate certain holidays or parts of their heritage, and, if applicable, try learning about them. Ask the child if they can help you to learn about the religion or heritage/celebration. Go to the library or search online about what is involved and have the child show you what they know about it. It may not be part of what you consider "the holidays" but it will need to be from now on. Even if the child doesn't speak up about it, you still need to ask if they would like to celebrate or learn about it. Otherwise, resentment may quietly build. Don't worry too much about holidays. Focus on unreserved love for the child, and taking care of his or her needs.
  5. Ask questions, but don't pry. Talk about their past in an open way. Never try to hide the fact or forget the fact that they were adopted. Staying open and honest will make them trust you and will turn you into "mom or dad" faster than lying or faking it ever would.
  6. Let the child have some control over the family choices. Let them choose a family dinner each night, a family activity each week, a game you play, or a movie you see. They need to have a little bit of control in a life that has previously been so out of their control.
  7. Never put down or attack the biological parent's character. Even if they gave the child up for adoption for horrible reasons and even if you disagree with their lifestyle, don't tell the child that the biological parents were "bad" or "worthless". No good can come of this, it will only reflect badly upon you in the long run. Remember, if you have nothing good to say about someone, then do not say anything. Benjamin Franklin once said this regarding his success in interpersonal relationships: I speak of all the good things of men, and none of the bad.
  8. Relax. The relationship will build with time. As the child begins to see that you respect and care about them, love will grow. Be patient. They will slowly begin to see you as "mom or dad" and their early life will become less important as they become involved in school, sports, etc. Just try to be an open and honest parent, and everything will work out fine!
  9. Know when to seek professional help. Many children are adopted from abusive homes, drug dealer homes, nonfunctional homes, and may have seen and been involved in harsh home situations. Quite often, the adopted child may have emotional issues and learning disabilities that may require professional help to overcome.

Tips

  • Along with establishing rules, try a Have a Successful Family Game Night, a special family dinner night, special outings. Try something new that you can all do together. Let the child be part of the choices.
  • Make sure, before a child steps foot in your home, to have all the history of that child (many times the adoptive county doesn't reveal all that has happened to that child), including all medical, psychological, psychiatric, behavioral & cognitive tests/treatments. How many foster homes or how many times a child has been "reunified" with the biological parents just to be taken out of that home again.
  • Commit yourself to the well-being of the child from the day the child enters your home. Advocate and find the available services for that child when he or she is in need. This can include individual and family counseling, parenting classes, intrusive agencies involved your life, and more. Create a support team for the child, and involve teachers, ministers, and other adults with your child. The team approach is especially important for troubled children.
  • Remember, you are taking in the child to better his or her life, not control it. Don't try to change the child; just love him/her and help the child become who he or she was put on this earth to be. Who the child will become is shaped and influenced by the parent; the child is most likely to realise his or her full potentials in an environment in which the child is supported and cherished by the adoptive family.
  • Be patient and ready for anything. Always remember that you are the parent. It takes a very patient and levelheaded person to adopt. Remember this no matter how hard you are tested. And always remember that it will take as much time as the child decides.

Warnings

  • The child may have some behaviors, especially in the beginning months, such as nightmares in which they awaken the entire household. Be prepared for this. The child has a lot of feelings to sort through. Never, never, get angry with them for something such as this that is totally out of their control. Be prepared to love them anyway, and provide comfort and reassurance.
  • The child/children you adopt may have a condition called reactive attachment disorder & along with that generally PTSD. These adoptions are not for the faint of heart. Simple steps will not help these children. Make sure these children come with insurance to include treatment in residential settings.
  • The child may fight back, rebel, or tell you "you aren't my mom or dad!" Be calm. Let them know that you are not trying to replace their biological parents. You are just there to give them a home and that you do care about them very much. These things take time. Remember that you are the adult and that they have been through a lot. Never force it.
  • The child may want to talk to, find, or research his or her biological family in the future. Be ready for this. Never assume you are now the mom or dad and the child will forget about his or her past. When the time comes and the child ask about the biological parents, be ready and open to questions and let the child know what you know. If the biological parents are still alive and there were issues in their lives such as drugs or illegal activities, let the child know a little about the information (only if they are old enough to understand and cope with this) but don't go into too many details. Just say that the parents had some problems with a certain issue and weren't able to care for them properly and that you are not sure what their feelings are now. Prepare the child for the fact that if he or she is to look for the biological parents, they may not want to be found, but don't discourage it either. Be supportive.

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