Cope if Friends Are Being Mean

Navigating friendships is hard at times, especially when you're in your youth. Kids and teenagers are still learning who they are and how they want the world to see them, and sometimes they treat their friends certain ways based on how they want to be seen. Occasionally, people treat their friends badly, and it causes problems. There are ways to cope with this.

Steps

Figuring out What Is Wrong

  1. Observe your friends' behavior. Take note if they are being mean to several people or if they are only being mean to you. This gives you a starting point in figuring out what might be wrong.
    • It will also be helpful to observe who they are being mean to, if it is more than one person. What do these people have in common that make your friends target them?
    • You can take mental notes of your observations, and just store them in your memory, or you can write them down in a private journal. Hide the journal well, though, so it doesn't make things worse if it's ever found.
  2. Notice trends in when and how they are mean. Your friends might be mean all the time, or they might only be mean in certain circumstances. What are the trends?
    • Are they only mean to people who belong to a certain group (e.g. racial, ethnic, religious, et cetera)?
    • Are they mean on certain days? What might be going on that this behavior only comes about on particular days? (For example, maybe it is always after a visit with a parent, if their parents are divorced.)
    • Are they only mean when they are around a certain person or a certain other group of people (i.e. is that person or group influencing them)?
    • Is it only one friend who is being mean and is getting others involved? Are a few friends all participating equally?
    • Are they making mean comments to you or to others? Are they being somewhat physical in their meanness, like shoving, pushing, tripping, or something else? Are they threatening you or others?
    • Is their behavior typical of bullying, or is it something more?
  3. Determine whether you might be influencing their behavior, regardless of whether it is voluntary or involuntary. If you are the only person to whom your friends are being mean, try to figure out if they are bullying you. Use the questions below to help you determine if you accidentally did something that caused your friends to get mad at you or if your friends' meanness toward you is completely unprovoked and unnecessary:
    • Did you say something that offended someone?
    • Did you cancel plans with a friend for no reason or hang out with another friend instead?
    • Could the meanness stem from jealousy of another friendship or relationship that you have?
    • Have you been mean to them recently, by taking out your anger on them or being judgmental of them?
    • Is there a past argument or disagreement with them that has not been settled?
    • Is there something about you that they perceive as bad or a sign of weakness (regardless of whether it is)?
  4. Avoid retaliating when they are mean to you. While you try to figure out what is going on, it is best to avoid retaliating to your friends if they are mean to you. Being mean to them will only add fuel to the fire and make it harder for you to resolve the issue.
    • You might consider distancing yourself from them for a couple of days to give all of you space and time to cool down.
    • You could simply ignore the comments they make or things they do.
    • Practice being nice to them in the face of their meanness. Treat them the way you would like them to treat you.[1]
    • It is best to not talk to other friends about their treatment of you, because that could start rumors and gossip, which very well may worsen the situation.

Approaching Your Friends

  1. Create a plan for approaching your friends about their treatment of you. Once you have observed your friends' behavior and its trends, it is time to start thinking about how you are going to approach them about the issue. You will want to take care to be calm, rational, and supportive.
    • It is important to confront your friends about this. You do not want to avoid them, because this will not be effective in solving your problem.[2]
    • If it is multiple friends, decide whether you want to talk to them one-on-one or all together. If you talk to your friends separately, there is a good chance that the first person might tell the others what is going on. This could be a good or bad thing, depending on the dynamic of your friendship. Keep this in mind as you are choosing which option to do.
    • Pick a method for staying calm, if the conversation starts to get heated. For example, you could take a few deep breaths, count to 10, or politely end the conversation for now with a promise to resume it later.
    • Have a back-up plan to go to a trusted adult if the conversation does not go as well as you hope. Consider going to a parent, guardian, teacher, or guidance counselor to seek his/her help with the issue.
  2. Know what you want to say to your friends about how they are making you feel. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself in this way, and you want them to take you seriously and understand that they are hurting your feelings.[3] Come up with a script or talking points of what you want to say.
    • “I want to talk to you about how you've been making me feel lately.”
    • “You might not realize it, but you've said many things lately that have hurt my feelings. Sometimes you say these things to me, and other times, you say them about me to other people.”
    • “When you said (_________________), it made me feel that you don't want to be my friend anymore.”
    • “Is there anything going on that you'd like to talk about? I know you've mentioned that things have been a little tough at home lately. I want to support you.”
    • “I really want to come to an understanding about this with you so that we can continue to be great friends.”
    • “I need you to respect my feelings, because this bothers me, and I otherwise really enjoy being friends with you.”
  3. Choose a day and time to take your friends aside and talk with them. If you decided to talk to your friends all at once, this might be easiest to do at school or at a time when all of you are hanging out. On the other hand, if you decided to talk to your friends one-on-one, work out when you will do that.
  4. Have the conversation with your friends when you choose to do it. Be sure to follow through with the conversation on that day, because you need to resolve the issue with your friends.
    • Show confidence by maintaining eye contact, having a conversation with them (instead of yelling at them), and giving them the opportunity to share their point of view.
    • Have your script or talking points on paper with you so that you remember everything that you want to say.
    • Avoid being mean or rude during the conversation. Again, this will only trigger negative reactions from your friends, which will not help you get to a resolution.
  5. Allow your friends to share their side of the story. There is the possibility that they have been mean to you because of something you said or did. Be open to listening to what they have to say.
    • Do not interrupt them while they talk. This is rude and shows them that you think you did not do anything wrong, when in their minds, you might have.
    • Listen actively. When they are done talking, paraphrase what you heard them say: “I heard you say that...”
    • Be compassionate. If there is an issue that is bothering them, but it has nothing to do with you, then support them by listening carefully and offering to help.
  6. End the conversation politely if it begins to get confrontational and argumentative. These negative conditions are not conducive to coming to a resolution.
    • “This is starting to turn into an argument, and I don't want to argue with you. Why don't we try discussing this again in a few days, when we've cooled off?”
    • “I can sense that this is turning into a bigger conflict. I don't want to make the situation any worse, so I'm going to go ahead and end our conversation here for now.”
    • “I appreciate that you've taken the time to listen and talk with me, but our conversation is becoming really negative. Let's take a break.”

Resolving the Issues

  1. Offer ideas for how you think the issue can be fixed. Once you and your friends have shared your perspectives on the issue, work together to brainstorm how you all can move forward positively.
    • Be sure to offer your own ideas. Do not put the burden of fixing the problem all on them.
    • Think of ideas that will really be useful. Will you all promise to tell each other immediately when someone says something offensive or rude? Will you all promise to be understanding if someone gets snappy during a hard time in his/her life?
    • Also be open to giving support if your friends' meanness has been the result of something going on that is unrelated to you. If there are issues at home, with another friend, or with a class, for example, offer ideas for supporting them through resolving that issue.
  2. Apologize to your friends if it you upset them or played a role in the hostilities. It is incredibly important to sincerely apologize, if you really value their friendship and want to maintain it.
    • This can be challenging if it turns out they are upset with you over something that you feel you were “in the right” to do or say. If this is the case, you may have to come to a middle ground with them through discussion.
    • Make sure you give your apology genuinely. Your friends likely know you well enough to know when you are lying, so do not do them the disservice of lying in your apology.
  3. Follow through with the steps that you all decide upon to resolve the problem. Show your friends that you value them by helping to make sure this issue does not arise again. If you do not follow through, then your friends receive the message that you do not care about them.
  4. Go to a trusted adult if the conversation goes badly and you need help. If your friends continued to be mean to you during the conversation and showed no interest in resolving the issue, then it is time to implement your back-up plan of going to a trusted adult.[4]
    • Share as much as you feel comfortable with sharing about the situation so the adult can have a thorough understanding of what has been going on.
    • Be open to his/her ideas and suggestions about how to handle the situation. Especially if it is a guidance counselor or teacher, he/she is likely trained in resolving these kinds of issues.
  5. Consider distancing yourself from your friends. Again, if the conversation did not result in any positive outcomes, and your friends scoffed at you and showed no interest in repairing the friendship, then it might be time to consider distancing yourself from them.
    • Find new friends who truly care about you and value your friendship.[5]Make plans with them instead of with your old friends. You can choose to explain to them what has been going on or not, but it will be helpful to have a support system.
    • Be friendly toward them to try to keep the relationship amicable, but do not make spending time with them a priority.
    • Do not make excuses for their behavior when it is unwarranted. If your friends are truly just being mean to you because they can be, then you need to let those relationships go.[6]

Tips

  • Try to be “the bigger person” by being friendly toward your friends, even in moments when they are mean. Show them that you value their friendship and want to be kind.
  • Give your friends a second chance when you feel they deserve it. If they had a bad day, or if they have had other issues outside of your friendship, then it is your opportunity to support them through those hard times.

Warnings

  • Always go to a trusted adult first if your friends show violent behavior toward you. Do not try to resolve those kinds of issues by yourself, as you could get physically hurt.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fickle-friends/?page=2
  2. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/how_to_deal_with_mean_people
  3. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/tease
  4. ↑ http://teens.webmd.com/girls/features/dealing-with-mean-girls?page=4
  5. ↑ http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/what-to-do-if-you-are-being-bullied
  6. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/toxic-friendships-accepting-forgiving-and-moving-on/
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