Hide That You're in Love With a Coworker

You feel your heart beat a little faster when a certain coworker walks your way. You laugh more heartily at their jokes and find them irresistibly fascinating. Coworker love can be extremely tricky, especially if your company forbids or frowns upon inner-office romance, you (or both of you) are in a committed relationship, or have your own personal policy on romance with someone at work. Maybe you just don't want anyone to know, perhaps not even the target of your affections. Regardless of the reason you'd like to keep your coworker crush under wraps, there are ways you can hide your amorous feelings toward your coworker, while trying to come to terms with the fact that this unrequited love may never (or should never) be realized.

Steps

Acting Professionally

  1. Treat the coworker as you would any other coworker. The easiest way to hide your feelings is to simply treat them normally. In theory this is simple, but in practice it can be challenging. If it is difficult for you to keep things “as usual,” then limit your contact with that coworker as much as reasonably possible.[1]
    • For example, avoid going out for lunch with them unless a large group also goes. If you do go with a group, do your best to socialize with the other people in the group besides the one you’re interested in.
    • Think about how you would act around any one of your coworkers, and mimic that behavior with your crush.
  2. Don’t flirt with them. This can be difficult, especially if they tend to initiate the flirting. However, reciprocating this behavior (or initiating) it will be one of the most obvious signals that you are interested in them. If you do flirt, you won’t be able to hide your love for them for long. Would you flirt with a coworker you're not interested in? Probably not.
    • For example, don’t laugh at every funny comment they say. You don’t have to be rude, but a small smile at a joke, and a change of subject will show them you’re not interested.
  3. Avoid touching them. Obviously, you should avoid touching your coworker in an inappropriate way, but you should also avoid all physical contact (with the exception of a professional handshake, when necessary). Don’t put your hand on their arm if they say something teasing, don’t come up behind them and put your hands on their shoulders, and don’t hug them. Besides being obvious signals of your interest, it is also considered unprofessional in many working environments.
  4. Don’t show favoritism. If you, your love interest, and other colleagues are debating an issue, don’t side with your love interest all the time. If it is an important business decision, and the coworker you’re in love with truly does have the best idea, then by all means point out why their point of view makes the most sense. However, with smaller, more mundane decisions, try to avoid siding with them if you can.
    • When considering different perspectives, try to separate the idea from the person offering the idea. This will help you treat everyone fairly and normally.
    • If you are in a position of power, don’t give all the best tasks to your love interest. Other subordinates will quickly pick up on this, and your secret won’t be safe. Try to continue to be as fair as possible.
  5. Take a day or two off from work. If you feel that you are having trouble keeping it professional, consider taking one or two days off work (either by calling in sick or using vacation days). Sometimes, a little space can really help clear the air and help you refocus on what’s important.
    • During this time away from work, try to remind yourself why you want to keep your love to yourself. Maybe it is your dream job, and you don’t want to jeopardize it, or maybe you’re already in a committed relationship. Whatever the reason, try to convince yourself that this is not a person worth complicating your life for. Ideally, when you return to work, you will feel refocused on the job and not the coworker.
  6. Consider asking to work on something different. In some cases, you may work very directly with the person you are in love with. Hopefully, taking steps to act professionally will help you hide your feelings, but if you feel that you cannot comfortably continue to work with this person, think about asking your boss to work on something different.
    • For example, maybe you can work on a different project, or in another area of the office.
    • Don’t tell your boss the real reason you want to move. Instead, give them a plausible excuse. For example, you could say that while you enjoy the work you’re doing, you’re hoping for a big challenge, so you wanted to ask if you could work on an idea you have to improve business strategy.

Setting Social Limits

  1. Avoid chatting about things that are non-work related. If you aren’t able to distance yourself from the coworker (e.g. if it’s your boss or if you have daily meetings with them, or work very closely together) do your best to keep chatting related to work things, or at least keep it as superficial as possible. The more you chat about personal things, the more you will feel connected to them.[1]
    • If they ask you what you did over the weekend, you can respond with something like, “Oh, nothing special. Just took care of a few things.” Don’t then respond by asking them what they did. Keeping your answer short and not reciprocating will discourage further personal chatting.
    • If you need to chat in order to avoid an awkward silence, bring up generic things like the weather, or a big work deadline that is coming up.
    • Disregard any innuendos from your coworker. Of course, awkwardness will ensue if the coworker with whom you're in love with starts making advances. If you notice that the other person is flirting with you, disengage from the relationship or try to cut or reduce contact. In today’s technologically driven corporate workplace, you can conduct a good amount of business via email or the company’s intranet if possible.
  2. Don’t go out after work with your coworkers. In some companies, it’s quite common to go out after work for a beer or for dinner. If the coworker you are interested is going, don’t go. Make up an excuse about how you’re having dinner with a friend or that you have to run some errands before heading home. Staying away from non-work related events where they will be present will help you avoid fantasizing about what your relationship would be like outside the office.[1]
    • If you must attend some event where your coworker will be present, distance yourself from them as much as possible without drawing attention. If there is alcohol present, do not drink any! If you drink alcohol, you will feel less inhibited, which may result in letting your thoughts slip.[2]
  3. Try to avoid face-to-face communication. This may not be possible in every type of job, but if you are able to do so without being suspicious, choose email or other methods of communicating that your company might offer. This will give you time to process your feelings until you can behave normally around your coworker.[1]
    • If he or she works in another department, minimize your contact. If you're lucky enough to love from afar, it shouldn’t interfere directly with your job. Minimize contact when in the break room or after work.
    • Don’t go out of your way to avoid your coworker, but graciously maintain a safe distance. If you're obviously trying to avoid this coworker, you could end up calling more attention to yourself, and people may wonder why you're going out of your way to avoid the person.
  4. Give yourself a zero tolerance policy. Even if your company doesn’t have a policy against office dating, if you have decided not to pursue your feelings for your coworker, it can be helpful to make it a rule for yourself.
    • Not only will this help you stay true to your desire to keep your feelings to yourself, it will also help you in the future, should you experience romantic feelings for a different coworker. If a coworker approaches you to let you know they have feelings for you, you can easily and gently let them down by simply explaining that you don’t date coworkers because it is a rule you have set for yourself.
    • Consider your coworker to be completely off limits. Resign yourself to the fact that this relationship simply isn’t going to happen. The sooner you believe it, the easier it will be to cloak how you really feel.

Contemplating Your Feelings

  1. Consider whether you're really in love or just infatuated. Try to figure out if it’s true love you're feeling or if you're simply infatuated. While both instances produce strong feelings, you may be able to “get over” infatuation a little quicker than true love. Intense feelings of attraction can often be brought on by the pressures or excitement of the workplace and seeing your coworker perform well in these situations. If you transfer being impressed into more intimate feelings, you'll need to sort out whether this is something more enduring or just fleeting but continued feelings of awe.
    • How well do you know this person? In some cases you may be loving another from afar, whereas in other instances your love might have grown steadily over time, because you work closely together and have had the opportunity to discuss personal values and shared interests.
    • Do you really know this person? Have you fallen in love with his or her true inner qualities or are you infatuated with their work persona?
    • Are you captivated by their seeming allure in the workplace? Power or leadership are alluring in a workplace context and can lead to infatuation.
  2. Consider the implications of an office romance. Dating a coworker can be very messy. Unless one of you leaves the company, there are many risks involved. Other coworkers might think that you are abusing power (if you date a subordinate) or seeking favoritism (if you date the boss). Furthermore, coworkers might view you as untrustworthy if you are dating the boss because they worry that you might report everything they do and say.[3]
    • In many companies, office romances are strictly forbidden. Breaking this rule could be grounds for termination.
  3. Remember that romantic feelings in the workplace are not unusual. The nature of a working together commonly inspires romantic feelings. You spend most of the day with your coworkers, you solve problems and face challenges together. It’s no surprise that you might find yourself experiencing romantic feelings at work.[4]
    • It is important to remember this because when you have feelings for someone, especially at first, those feelings can be very intense. At times, you may find it hard to stick to hiding your feelings, but remembering that many people experience feelings for their coworker at one point or another can help you realize that it is a consequence of the conditions, not true love.
  4. List all the reasons to avoid an office romance. Perhaps seeing the reasons on paper or thinking it through carefully will help to quell your love or affection for your coworker, and help you work toward getting that person out of your head. There are many reasons for not getting involved with someone at work.[1]
    • If an office romance is forbidden, think about all the time and energy it would take to hide your relationship from others. If you go out to places with workplace friends or invite them over, you'll have to juggle a very complicated schedule of keeping them separate. While it is possible, it's tiring and eventually the amusement and excitement will wear thin until you're just bursting to tell.
    • Ponder your co-worker's negative qualities. So they are highly attractive, but this person most likely has some negative qualities too. If you focus on something negative, it might lessen your attraction or interest. Perhaps it's his or her annoying laugh, insistence on always being right or workaholic tendencies. Whatever it is, let it loom large in your thoughts as a reason for not getting intimately involved.
    • Could you get all your work done or stay focused on projects if you're pining away for another who works down the hall from you? For some people, it can be difficult to hide romance. Think about the fact that having an in-office lover could derail your career.
    • Since you work together, and spend all day together, you won’t have much else to talk about. All there is to talk about is the same work you do together all day long and if you have similar annoyances, you risk darkening each other's opinions about others in the workplace in unhelpful ways.
    • Think about what would happen if you were to break up. For most, working with an ex makes work life more challenging, and there is a risk of wanting to sabotage one another's efforts. If you can keep it professional despite a breakup, then it is manageable but can you be sure of your ability to keep all emotions out of it post intimate relationship?

Dealing With Your Feelings in a Healthy Way

  1. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes, when we are experiencing feelings that we don’t know how to cope with, it can be tempting to give into a habit that we find comforting.[5]
    • For some people, this is binging on unhealthy foods such as chips or ice cream. For others, drinking alcohol, smoking, or doing drugs are ways to avoid dealing with these feelings. Whatever your unhealthy coping mechanism, try to identify it, and when you feel the urge to engage in that activity, turn to a different, more healthy way of dealing with your emotions.
    • If you are experiencing strong emotions related to hiding your feelings, try talking to a trusted friend (preferably one who isn’t also a coworker) or family member about what you are feeling. If you’d prefer not to, you can also write what you are feeling in a journal. Either way, it’s important that those feelings have an outlet.
  2. Take up a hobby. Maybe you already have a hobby you enjoy. If so, renew your interest in said hobby. If you don’t have a hobby that you enjoy, think about something you’ve always wanted to try, and go try it. Not only will this distract you from your romantic feelings, it will also make you feel empowered, helping you to deal with the situation.[6]
    • For example, if you’ve always been interested in rock climbing, but never actually tried, then look for a climbing gym in your area. Sign up for a beginner’s course. Not only will you get fit and find a new hobby, you will also meet new people.
  3. Stay socially active. For many of us, most of our day is spent working. Depending on your organizational culture, many of your friends might also be your coworkers. While this is fine if you’re not struggling to hide romantic feelings for your coworker, having friends that are not coworkers will give you a safe place to go when you’re not at work.[6]
    • Non-work friends will give you a place to vent about your feelings (if you want to), and will also broaden your perspective. You will realize that there is life and other people outside of work, helping you get over unwanted romantic feelings.
  4. Nurture your relationships. It’s not impossible that you are already in a committed relationship. If so, take time to reflect on this relationship, and the reasons that you’re in it. If you’re not in a romantic relationship, focus on improving other relationships you have (e.g. with friends or with family). When we feel attracted to someone, it’s not uncommon to neglect relationships we already have, so try to refocus your energy on the people you care about, and that care about you.
    • If you want to date someone, then consider people outside the workplace that you are interested in. If there isn’t anyone, then consider [[Succeed at Online Dating|online dating. If that’s not your thing, try attending social events. You can also meet new people through hobbies, sports, churches, and volunteer activities.

Tips

  • Catch yourself in the act of fantasizing about coworkers in future. Once bitten, it's possible that you might fall for someone again in your workplace. Learn to recognize the triggers that cause you to feel that you fancy a coworker, such as working closely together under intense pressure, being bored with a current relationship or the work itself, feeling insecure about your work and wanting an "out", etc.
  • Avoid some of the obvious signs that you are interested in a certain coworker such as remembering his or her birthday with a gift, knowing favorite colors or finding weak excuses to chat.
  • If you do succumb to dating a coworker and it lasts the distance, you should talk about the long-term consequences of this relationship. It will probably be best if one of you leaves the company as it will make life easier for everyone concerned. Another alternative is to run your own business together––romantic relationships can work as excellent teams in a business and there aren't the same issues of others being uncomfortable (or if they are, you employed them with their eyes wide open).

Warnings

  • If you're thinking about just “going for it”, check the company policy. In some companies, office romances can be grounds for firing.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 http://www.careeraddict.com/hiding-your-romantic-feelings-towards-a-coworker
  2. ↑ https://www.sobernation.com/why-does-alcohol-lower-your-inhibitions/
  3. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/249007
  4. ↑ http://www.thegrindstone.com/2012/02/14/career-management/the-psychology-of-why-we-fall-in-love-with-coworkers-245/
  5. ↑ http://www.alive.com/health/hiding-our-feelings-can-impact-our-health-and-longevity/
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 http://www.careerealism.com/workplace-attraction-fight/
Retrieved from "https://kipkis.com/index.php?title=Hide_That_You%27re_in_Love_With_a_Coworker&oldid=264511"