Deal With Difficult Teenagers

Are you the parent or caregiver of a teenager? Adolescence can be a challenging time when raising or dealing with a child. Sometimes youth can display negative behaviors such as: defiance against authority, rule-breaking, substance use, and aggression or violence. In order to deal with these issues in teens it is important to increase the positivity of your relationship, improve school connection, keep them safe, parent appropriately, and understand the adolescent brain.

Steps

Strengthening Your Relationship

1. Spend quality time together. Connection between the teenager and parent or guardian is a strong protective factor against harm such as emotional distress, risky sexual behaviors, and substance use.
   • Schedule regular family activities like eating dinner together or having game nights.
   • Spend face-to-face time on a weekly basis. Take your teen out to lunch or dinner without the rest of the family. This way you can focus solely on your connection instead of being distracted by others.
   • Try spending quality time with the adolescent doing activities that he enjoys. Ask him what he likes to do, or offer suggestions such as: playing video games, shopping, skateboarding, biking, camping, playing board games, or hiking.
2. Use social networking. Using social media as a way to foster parent-child interaction has been shown to increase connection and pro-social behaviors, while reducing acts of aggression.
   • If you don’t have a Facebook account (or Instagram, etc.),sign up and add the teenager as a friend. You can monitor his actions on the various sites, as well as leave messages, and post photos.
   • Try to avoid embarrassing your adolescent. Teenagers can be sensitive to how others see them, especially their peers.
3. Express your love. A teenager who feels wanted and loved by his parents is more protected against developing negative influences and behaviors. Focus on ways you can show the teenager that he is worthy, accepted, loved, and cared about.
   • Physical contact such as hugs can go a long way in expressing affecting for your teen. However, if these acts of affection are uncomfortable, you can try other techniques such as touching his shoulders, or playing sports with him.
   • Say, “I love you,” and praise your teenager for what he is doing well. Identify and comment on his positive characteristics. Say things like, “I like how honest you are about your feelings.”
   • Give your child your attention. Be supportive by telling your teen that you will always be there for him. You could say something like, "I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything and I will listen and try to help." Provide support and guidance when he appears to need it.
   • Give gifts or surprise your teen with his favorite meal.
4. Ask questions and be interested. Studies propose that parents who are informed and knowledgeable about their child’s life are more likely to have well adjusted teenagers.
   • Ask open-ended questions like, "What is going well in school lately?" or, "What are your goals right now?"
   • Avoid closed-ended questions that require one word answers such as, "Was school okay today?" or, "Is everything alright?" Your teenager may take this opportunity to simply say, "yeah," and not elaborate. This closes off the conversation and enhances distance.
   • Listen rather than lecture. Focus on trying to understand your child's perspective instead of correcting him or offering advice.
   • Attempts to monitor your teen by spying or using surveillance techniques (tracking phone logs, etc.) may do more harm than good. Avoid these types of behaviors.
5. Permit space. Ironically, giving the teenager space can actually increase closeness and positivity within the relationship. Research shows that adolescents need a sense of autonomy or a sense that they have choices.
   • Try not to pry if your teenager does not want to discuss something. Give him time to process the situation and let him come to you once he is ready.
6. Reduce family conflict. Marital conflict that is experienced or witnessed by an adolescent can lead to behavior problems, symptoms of depression, and decreased family connection.
   • Do not fight or argue in front of your children.
   • When discussing family issues, be calm and avoid raising your voice out of anger.

Improving School Connectedness

1. Encourage involvement in extra-curricular activities. A higher degree of school connection serves as a protective factor against harmful occurrences (destructive and negative behaviors including self-harm, distress, and substance use). Lower risk-factors are also associated with adolescent engagement in extra-curricular activities.
   • Try encouraging your adolescent to engage in activities such as groups or clubs on campus, student government, or yearbook.
   • Encourage participation in sports. Pro-social behaviors such as playing sports have been correlated with increases in self-esteem, as well as higher likelihood of college attendance. Although, participation in sports can also lead to higher rates of alcohol use. If your child is involved in sports make sure you discuss the dangers of alcohol. You may need to monitor his social activities if you suspect he engages in alcohol abuse.
   • Make sure leisure activities are well-structured; these types of activities are linked to less antisocial behaviors. For example, an after school recreational club where teenagers can do may different activities would be considered unstructured, while a specific sports team would be deemed well-structured.
   • Be careful not to force your teenager to engage in a sport or activity that he does not want to be involved in.
2. Set high but attainable expectations. Expecting more out of a teenager’s school performance is correlated with reduced health and behavioral risks.
   • Let the youth know what you expect of his academic performance including what grades you require of him. Be careful not to aim too high (straight A’s), or too low (just passing). You could say, "I think you should be able to get at least a C in each class. Do you think that is fair? Can we come to an agreement on this?"
   • Explain that you expect the youth to be respectful to adults and authority figures.
3. Foster positive student-teacher relationships. A student’s belief that the teacher treats him fairly can be a protective factor against harm.
   • Have regular meetings with the adolescent’s teachers in order to discuss any issues, and increase positive communication. Involve the student in the discussion if needed.
   • Address any issues with problematic student-teacher relationships as they arise. Meet with teachers and come up with a plan to improve the academic relationship.
   • If the student has a counselor or adviser at school, discuss the child’s goals and needs as well as ways to foster positive student-teacher relationships.
4. Assist in the development of healthy peer relationships. Research indicates that one factor which helps protect teens from engaging in negative behaviors is degree of closeness with peers at school. Positive school relationships are also linked to higher overall academic achievement.
   • Discuss the concept of healthy relationships with your teen. Explain that positive friendships involve fairness, trust, acceptance, and loyalty.
   • Monitor your youth’s interpersonal friendships. Know who his friends are and get to know their parents personally.
   • Be aware of any problematic peer relationships your teen might have. Ask your adolescent if he is being bullied or treated poorly by peers. Address these issues directly with school administration to come up with a plan to reduce bullying.

Keeping the Teenager Safe

1. Remove harmful items from the home. The existence of harmful items in the home have been linked to destructive behaviors in teens. For example, alcohol and drugs in the home are correlated with increased substance use by adolescents.
   • Remove guns or other weapons from the home.
   • Get rid of alcohol and other substances (even unused prescription pills).
   • If your teen has a history of self-harm, remove or lock up sharp objects, including knives and weapons.
   • Set a positive example by reducing your own negative or unhealthy behaviors. For instance, teenagers can think it is hypocritical if you tell them not to smoke cigarettes while puffing away on one.
2. Ensure appropriate supervision. Supervised and structured activities have been linked to a reduction in antisocial behaviors (criminal activity and other behavioral problems). When the teenager is involved in activities outside of the home, make sure there is adequate supervision and structure.
   • Make sure the teen has adult supervision after school and on the weekends.
   • Ensure that outings are well supervised.
   • Get to know the parents of the youth’s friends in order to establish appropriate supervision and monitor the youth’s behaviors.
3. Discuss risky situations. Being open an honest with the adolescent about the risks of engaging in behaviors such as substance use, criminal activities, and unprotected sex. If you avoid these topics out of fear or discomfort, the child will most assuredly learn from his peers, which can involve misleading and incorrect information.
   • Have the sex talk. Sexual relationships in teenage years tend to predict and form the basis for future relationships. Discuss the risks of sex early on. In order to start the conversation you could say something like, "I think it's time that we have a discussion about sex. I know this can be an uncomfortable topic to to talk about with your parent, but it is really important that we have it. What do you think?" You can start by discussing what the teenager has heard about sex from his friends or on television. Explain your views of sex and what your expectations are for your child (when they should have it, why, and what resources they need such as condoms/birth control).
   • Give your teenager information on the riskiness of alcohol and drug use. Say something along the lines of, "I want to talk to you about some things that teens might do that can be harmful. Are you okay with that?" Explain your view of alcohol and drug use, and what you expect out of your teen (what to limit or not use and why). Explaining why not to use certain substances (risks to health, possible overdose, poor judgments, etc.) is very important; teens want explanations for rules or they might disregard them as stupid or strict.
4. Consider treatment. If the teenager engages in risky behaviors, is defiant against authority figures, becomes violent, or socially withdrawn, it might be due to a larger mental health issue. Psychological treatment can help individuals set goals and develop healthier ways of coping with being an adolescent.
   • Discuss treatment with the teenager's general practitioner (medical doctor) or call your insurance provider for a list of covered therapists.

Parenting Effectively

1. Use authoritative parenting. An authoritative style is high in acceptance and freedom, while still having clearly defined rules and expectations. This type of parenting is correlated with high academic achievement.
   • An authoritative style involves being warm, caring, and flexible with the child. Focus on setting boundaries and rules, but be willing to negotiate or be flexible if necessary.
   • Accept the teen for who he is, and let him know that you accept him. Encourage him to work toward his dreams, whatever they may be.
   • Authoritative parents are involved. Teens experience involvement when their parents are available to help them with homework and other challenges, as well as when their parents spend quality time with the family.
   • Avoid authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parenting is associated with strict and inflexible rules and an, "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality. An example of authoritarian style parenting would be if the teen said, "My father tells me that he is right and I should just obey him and never question his authority." Instead of being authoritarian, allow your teen to be involved in the boundary-setting process. Explain the reason for the rules that are made, and give the teen a chance to voice his opinion. Negotiate and compromise in order to come to a decision. For example, if you think your teen should have straight A's, while the teen believes this is too high an expectation, be willing to adjust this standard to meet the teens needs. Perhaps you could come to an agreement for him to get at least a B in each class.
2. Use assertive communication. This type of communication is associated with conveying your message in a respectful and appropriate manner. Assertiveness comes from an, "I'm okay. You're okay" thought process.
   • Use an appropriate tone that is calm and comforting.
   • Say, “no” when necessary.
   • Explain your reasoning for rules and why they are in place.
   • Be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings (while also being respectful and tactful). Use I statements such as, "I feel angry when you stay out past curfew."
   • Avoid aggressive communication. Aggressive communication comes from an, "I'm okay, you're not okay," mentality. Do not threaten or yell at your child, this models inappropriate behaviors for the teen and can make him feel fearful.
   • Limit passive communication. Passivity in communication is not expressing your needs and feelings. Passiveness comes from a, "You're okay. I'm not okay" perspective. A passive parent might be afraid of his teenager and instead of communicating with him, he would avoid him.
3. Set boundaries. Teens need structure in order to feel safe and secure and to reduce the likelihood of engagement in risky behaviors.
   • Set limits that are realistic and fair. Make house rules. Tell your teen what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. For example, give your adolescent a curfew, and explain the specific consequences of staying out past the curfew.
   • Assign chores. Having chores can give the youth a sense of responsibility. Explain that everyone in the home needs to contribute. You can make a chore chart and provide rewards when your children complete their chores without being asked.
   • Set specific consequences for undesirable behaviors. Be very specific about what your teenager is not allowed to do (i.e. stay out past curfew, cut school, use drugs, etc.), as well as what will happen if the youth breaks the rule (i.e. grounding, taking away car or other privileges). Make sure your teen knows that he has a choice of whether or not to follow the rules.
4. Use positive reinforcement. Rewarding desired behaviors can result in an increase in those behaviors and a reduction in associated negative behaviors. One study showed that youth who were rewarded for wearing their seat belts increased their overall seat belt use.
   • Reward good behavior. When your child does something positive such as getting a good grade on a test, offer a reward such as a new piece of clothing that he wants.
   • Draw attention to positive qualities. High self-esteem in teenagers is a factor that helps guard against the development of negative feelings and behaviors. Tell your child that you are proud of him. Give specific examples of his accomplishments such as getting a good grade on a test or paper, being honest, or doing his chores.
   • Allow the youth to earn freedom. A youth that believes he is in control is associated with lower levels of aggressive behavior.

Understanding the Adolescent Brain

1. Identify increases in risk-taking. Changes in the brain during adolescence can result in an increase in risk-taking and propensity toward experimentation with substance use (alcohol and other drugs). Specifically, adolescents are more drawn toward reinforcing stimuli – such as substances. However, the teen might also be more likely to take healthy risks such as trying new activities (sports, games, hobbies, etc).
   • The adolescent may engage in more risk-taking behaviors. This can sometimes include dangerous situations such as fast-driving, and breaking other rules or laws. Be aware of these warning signs and risky behaviors.
2. Know that impulse control may be limited. The ability to control impulses is not yet fully developed in the adolescent brain. Understand that your teen may not yet be able to self-monitor or have delayed gratification.
   • Teach your child delayed gratification by helping him identify the pros and cons of engaging in a particular activity or behavior.
3. Empathize with adolescent emotions. Brain changes in the developing teenager can result in heightened emotional reactivity. This can result in teenagers experiencing more anger, sadness, loneliness, aggressiveness, and other negative emotions or behaviors.
   • Try to remember what it was like being a teenager, and identify a few feelings you had back then that were hard to cope with.
   • Instead of automatically reacting emotionally, attempt to empathize with the difficulty of the youth's situation.

Related Articles

• Handle Difficult Children
• Help a Teen Handle a Difficult Teacher

Sources and Citations

See also

• Help a Teenager Explore Career Options
• Help Your Teen Get a Summer Job
• Survive a Teenager's First Driving Lesson
• Instruct your Teen on How to Drive
• Deal With Your Young Children When They Interrupt You
• Get a Child to Sit in a Car Seat
• Teach A Child Simple Car Maintenance
• React when Your Child Ignores You
• Know if Your Child Needs Therapy
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids

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