Deal With Disrespectful Children

Children can often be disrespectful when they are in situations they dislike, or if they are dealing with other issues in their life. Most of the time, children just want to get your attention or test boundaries. The most important thing to remember is to stay calm and act respectfully towards them. Try to identify why they are acting a certain way, and talk through it maturely with them.

Steps

Dealing in the Moment as a Parent

1. Point out the behavior right away. If a child is being disrespectful, you should acknowledge the behavior right away. Ignoring the behavior will encourage them to continue until they get your attention.
   • For example, say you are at home trying to talk on the phone. Your child is interrupting you continually. You can say something like "Sweetie, I know you are trying to get my attention, but I'm busy right now so you are just going to have to wait and be quiet." This shows your child that you see what he or she is doing and then allows you explain what the child should do instead.
2. Give the child a reason. If you tell a child to stop with no explanation, your child may not see a reason to stop. Once you have identified what your child is doing, explain to your child why his or her behavior is wrong or disrespectful. This will help your child understand the necessity of good manners.
   • Let's return to the phone example. If your child continues to interrupt, say something like, "I'm on the phone. It's not nice to interrupt me while I am trying to talk to someone else as I'm unable to give the person I'm talking to my full attention."
   • You can also suggest an alternative behavior. For example, say something like, "Can you wait for a pause in the conversation if you really need something?"
3. Explain the consequences. If you try to talk rationally with disrespectful children, and they still continue to misbehave, you need to explain the consequences of their actions. Then, if they continue to disrespect you, make sure you carry out the consequences.
   • Never tell your child that there are consequences for doing something and not carry through. If children are told they will get in trouble, but don't get in trouble, they will continue to misbehave. Make sure you tell them a consequence that can be definitely carried through.
4. Discipline appropriately. If you have to discipline a child, make sure you do so appropriately. Not all forms of punishment work and punishment types depends on the age of the child and the severity of his or her behavior.
   • Isolation or physical forms are punishment are discouraged. Do not, for example, send a child to his or her room or give him or her a spanking. Physical punishment can be frightening for a child, especially a young child, and physically isolating the child misses an opportunity to help him or her develop. Ideally, punishment should teach children how to connect, communicate, and work through negative behaviors. Isolating a child does not allow him or her to come to terms with why the behavior was wrong.
   • Try to think less in terms of discipline and more in terms of consequences. Choose consequences that make sense. Taking away a favorite toy may not really teach a child why interrupting your conversation is wrong. You should also apply consequences immediately after the behavior occurs. Make sure the consequence of a child behavior reflects why it was wrong. For example, if your child is interrupting you on the phone the behavior is bad because it's disrespectful to your time. You might have the child do a small chore you would normally do, like drying the dishes, to show him or her that your time is valuable as you're very busy with household tasks and work.

Responding in the Moment as a Teacher

1. Tell the child what he or she is supposed to do. As a teacher, especially if you're working with young children, it's better to offer an alternative behavior than scold a child for disobedience. Provide direct, clear instructions on how a child should behave when you see him or her behaving poorly.
   • When a child is behaving poorly, explain to him/her how he/she should be behaving. Then, provide a solid reason why the alternative behavior you're suggesting is better.
   • For example, say you're on a field trip to a swimming pool and you see one of your students running through the water. Instead of saying, "Mason, no running" say something like, "Mason, walk in the slipper water. It's safer that way, as you'll avoid falling and getting hurt." Children tend to be more receptive to being told what to do rather than simply being scolded for bad behavior.
2. Try a "time in." Timeout is no longer a popular disciplinary practice for young children as isolating a child can be frustrating. However, a time-in can remove a child from a distressful situation. If you suspect one of your students is behaving poorly due to stress or overexertion, propose a time-in.
   • Create private, cozy areas of your classroom where students can sit and relax if they're being disruptive. Provide pillows, photo albums, books, stuffed toys, and other calming supplies.
   • The basic idea is that the child is not being punished. He is simply learning that he needs to regulate emotions better if he wants to participate in class. He is not being isolated in an unfriendly environment, as in a traditional time out, but rather being placed in an alternative environment where he can calm down.
   • Remember, discipline should be a learning opportunity. When you have a spare moment, address the child. Talk to him or her about why the behavior was disruptive. Brainstorm ideas together on how to better cope the next time he or she gets emotional or rowdy in class.
   • While this approach is often used at school, parents could benefit from a time-in as well. If you are a parent, try having a designated time-in space in your home where your child can go to calm down if he's struggling to regulate his emotions.
3. Stay positive. Use positive statements and avoid negatives. Children may be disrespectful if they feel they're being disrespected. Don't use statements like, "I'm not going to help you with that problem until you try to work it out yourself." This will make the child feel he's done something wrong by struggling. Instead, say "I think you'll learn more if you try to work out the problem yourself first. Once you do that, I can try to help you." Using statements that are positive will reinforce the idea that you respect the child and are treating him or her like an adult.
4. Don't take it personally. If a child treats you poorly or disrespectfully, try not to take it personally. Teachers often feel stressed out if children are mean to them or act out in class. It's likely your child is just trying to assert his or her independence or is dealing with something else and are taking it out on you.
   • Remember that children can often react in rash ways. Just because a child says, "I hate you" that doesn't mean this is true. Try to remember that children often disrespect their parents or authority figures as a way of testing power structures.
5. Seek help. If the situation is not improving, it may be time you seek help. The child may be dealing with something and unwilling to talk about it with you. Also, something may be going on at home and he or she may need space to talk it out. Talk to your school's principal or counselor if you're worried a child may have an underlying issue preventing him of her from behaving in class.

Addressing Deeper Issues

1. Prevent bad behavior before it occurs. Sometimes, the best means of discipline is simple prevention. Try to work to foster a home or school atmosphere that prevents bad behavior. Look for things that trigger bad behavior and find ways to modify those situations to make your child more comfortable.
   • Know what triggers a tantrum. For example, your 3-year-old may always throw a fit if you're at the grocery store for over an hour. With kids, the most common reason for bad behavior is that the child is hungry, tired, scared, or confused. Keep in mind an hour is much longer than a 3-year-old than it is for you. Is there any way you could make such trips more bearable? Could you allow your child to bring some toys to the store? Could you maybe have a babysitter watch the child if you're going to be long.
   • Allow your child to have some control. If a child's request is not unreasonable, it's sometimes better to accommodate this request. This shows a child you respect him or her and also helps avoid child/parent power struggles. Say your daughter loves her summer dress, but it's getting to be fall and chilly outside. Instead of forbidding she wear the dress, maybe allow her to wear it in the colder months provided that she wear a coat and pants alongside the dress.
   • When your child is misbehaving, take a few moments to consider what preventative you could have taken to prevent this. What is triggering the behavior? Is there any way some of your child's requests could be abided? Is there anything you can do in the future to avoid such an outburst.
2. Try to understand the root of bad behavior. You can't establish appropriate boundaries and discipline if you don't understand why your child is behaving poorly. Work to try to get inside your child's head and understand the roots of the behavior.
   • When your child is upset, work to connect with him or her on an emotional level. Say something like, "It seems like you're feeling very angry about this. Why is that?"
   • There may be reasons you did not think of that a child is acting out. Discovering that reason can help you figure out how to better deal with the situation in the moment. For example, if your child cries every night when you put him or her to bed your child might be scared of the dark. He might have also seen something on television that was frightening. Rather than scolding the child the next time you have to put him to bed, take a few moments to talk through your child's fears and reassure him that he's safe in your home.
3. Teach empathy. Raising a child is about teaching positive behaviors and not just discouraging negative ones. One of the most important things you can teach a child is empathy. When your child is misbehaving, talk to him or her about why that behavior is hurtful to others.
   • If your child has behaved poorly, talk about that behavior and why it hurt another person. For example, say your son stole another student's pencil at lunch and then broke it. Sit your son down and say, "I know the bunny pencil you got last Easter was important to you. How would you feel if someone had taken that from you without asking?" Allow your child to answer. Teaching a child to relate to another person is the groundwork for empathy.
   • Once your child has stopped to consider the other person's point of view, then have your child apologize. Many people force children to apologize as a ritual, and the child learns to do little other than mimic back what the adult said. However, making your child consider the reason for the apology first encourages empathetic thinking.
4. Provide an example of appropriate behavior. Modeling is one of the best ways to teach children how to behave appropriately. Try to behave like the person you want your child to grow up to be. Practice good manners. Be kind to others. Stay calm during trying situations. Talk about your emotions openly and show your child how to deal with things like sadness, anger, and other negative feelings in a manner that's constructive and appropriate.
5. Don't make assumptions. If your child or a child you are working with acts out, don't make assumptions about his or her life. Don't assume a child is just disrespectful. Take time to talk with him or her to find the real source of the problem. The difficult thing about making assumptions is it may cause you to treat a child in a different way. If you assume your child is just being moody, you may not respond with as much love. If you think the child is dealing with deeper issues, you may be tempted to excuse the behavior. Try to stay consistent with your consequences and your actions when a child acts up, but learn from that child what they are feeling and why.
6. Avoid the power struggle. The power struggle exists because two people are battling over who has power over the other. While you want to show your child that you have authority and need to be respected, you want to do so in a calm, respectful way. Avoid raising your voice at them, yelling at children or talking to them in the same way they are talking to you. If your child is throwing a tantrum, he or she likely hasn't developed adequate problem solving skills. Try to assess and address your child's needs rather than forcing him or her to obey your rules.
   • Show the child that the two of you can handle a problem without getting into a defiant power struggle. Sit the child down and try to talk about what is going on and how the two of you can work together to fix it. If the child is still acting disrespectful and refuses to engage in mature conversation, then give the child time to cool off and don't engage in another argument.
   • Don't let a child manipulate you. Children will often try to negotiate with you or manipulate you to get what they want, but make sure you stand firm while remaining calm.
7. Reinforce positive behavior. If you want your child to behave better, using positive reinforcement can help. Praise your child for small changes in behavior. This can help him learn what behaviors are appropriate.
   • Focus on the behaviors you want to change. For example, say your child frequently interrupts others. Explain why these behaviors are negative and then watch for small changes. Many parents set the bar too high and expect a child to change completely overnight. Instead, be on the lookout for small changes.
   • Say you are on the phone one day and your son is interrupting you. However, he quiets down the first time you ask instead of continuing to bother you after being corrected. While he still interrupted, he's making an effort to change.
   • When you're off the phone, praise your child for this small change. Say something like, "Isaac, I really appreciated how you stopped talking when I asked." Eventually, the child will learn what behaviors are desirable and act accordingly.

Tips

• If you are a parent and are concerned about your child's behavior, it could be beneficial to call the school and talk to the teacher to see if your child is acting up in class.

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• Instill Discipline in Children
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• Handle Difficult Children

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With Your Young Children When They Interrupt You
• Get a Child to Sit in a Car Seat
• React when Your Child Ignores You
• Know if Your Child Needs Therapy
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids
• Give a Spanking
• Discipline an Autistic Child
• Get Your Children Away from TV
• Discipline a Child
• Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking

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