Instill Discipline in Children

Everyone wants their child to be successful and happy. Instilling discipline in your child is a crucial step in that direction. But instilling discipline is not synonymous with punishment. It involves nurturing, setting expectations and boundaries, and fostering within your child a sense of personal responsibility. Teaching your child to set aside their desires so they can fulfill their obligations is the key to instilling discipline.

Steps

Cultivating Good Behavior in Children

1. Be clear in your intentions and expectations. Clearly explain to your child what you want them to do. Whether it’s a specific grade in a class or the completion of a certain chore by the end of the day, spell it out in unambiguous terms for your child. If you think your child is liable to misbehave in a certain situation, be sure to explain what you want them to do. Also, be sure that your child understands the consequences for misbehavior.
   • Set realistic expectations. If your child is not a math whiz, don’t pile unnecessary pressure upon them to get an “A” if they’re truly giving it their best. Familiarize yourself with your child’s temperament and disposition, and avoid overloading them with tasks and obligations.
   • For younger children, try posting the rules in a visible location like the front of the fridge.
   • Always involve your child in the rule-making process as much as possible.
2. Assign age-appropriate responsibilities. As children grow, so too does their understanding of what needs to be done around the house and at school. Increasing your child’s responsibilities to a level will tacitly demonstrate that you trust them.
   • Preschoolers and toddlers can put their toys away and put their dirty laundry in the hamper.
   • Kindergarteners can make the beds or feed the pets.
   • Elementary school students can help set the table or cook the meal.
   • Middle and high schoolers can take on a variety of new tasks around the house, increasing in importance each year. Teens can do grocery shopping, babysit, or do the laundry.
3. Provide positive motivation. Use a reward system to get kids excited about their chores and responsibilities. For instance, after the child does his or her homework completely, or makes their bed properly seven days in a row, give them a reward. Depending on the child’s age, this might be an hour of TV watching, or a few dollars for them to spend on their own.
   • Younger children do well with charts and graphs to illustrate how self-disciplined and responsible they are. Try using a sticker board or calendar to mark the days and times the child accomplished an assigned chore or task, and list each task in the order it ought to be completed. Seeing their progress each day will excite them.
   • Do not discount the utility of money as a reward for positive behavior. Some parents consider it bribery, but it can be an effective tool and give children the opportunity to practice financial discipline as well.
   • For young children, make it fun to build discipline. Turn chores into a game. For instance, challenge your child to pick up toys as fast as possible, or turn cleaning up into a friendly contest between two siblings.
4. Praise good behavior. You do not want your child to feel as though the only attention they get from you is to deal with bad behavior. When your child completes his or her duties or demonstrates responsible behavior, let them know you are proud of them.
   • Tell your children they did a great job on the assigned task. Say “I’m proud of you” and “Thank you for your help” where appropriate.
   • For younger children especially, show your appreciation with hugs, kisses, and bouncing on the knee.
   • Remind your child how far they have come in whatever area they struggle to exercise discipline in.
5. Establish a schedule. Make sure nap times, bedtimes, and mealtimes occur at the same time every day. Communicate regularly to your child what is next on the daily agenda.
   • Try to make sticking to the schedule a fun experience. Use a kitchen timer to mark when something happens. For instance, after setting the timer, tell your child that when it goes off, it will be time for bed, or time to eat, etc.
   • Older children should have a schedule too. The average teen does not get the required 8-10 hours of sleep each night. This can lead to sleep disorders as well as missed classes or appointments. Ensure your teen adheres to his or her bedtime schedule.
6. Lead by example. Children learn by seeing what others do as much as by following directions. Deal fairly in all your interactions and show respect to others. If you lead a socially responsible, moral, and honest life, your children will too. Remember, as the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.”
   • Teach your child how to clean up. After a child has finished playing with his or her toys, games, or puzzles, have them clean up and put everything away. Show them how and help them through the process. Show younger children how to clean up to your satisfaction, then slowly let them take it over on their own. Elementary school-aged children should be able to pick up their own things as well as put their dishes in the sink or dishwasher. For tweens and teens, making the bed, doing the laundry, and washing dishes can instill discipline.
7. Accept only honest efforts. If your child has shirked his or her chores or school responsibilities, let them know you are disappointed and that you expect an improvement in the future. Do not complete or re-do a child’s unacceptable work for them. If your child has incorrectly folded the laundry or not washed the dishes well, for instance, show them how you expect them to be completed and let them know that there will be consequences if their half-hearted efforts continue.
   • Be sure to assign age-appropriate responsibilities to your children.

Encouraging a Positive Relationship

1. Show an interest in your child. Let them know they are loved. Spend time with them and ask about their feelings. When children know they are cared for, they will realize their lives and actions have value, strive to meet your expectations, and lead more disciplined lives.
   • Ask your child to reflect on their recent successes or failures.
   • Encourage them in their interests and hobbies.
   • Express your belief that they can succeed if they try.
   • Show gratitude that they are in your life. Tell them directly that you love them.
2. Encourage your child’s interests. Extra-curricular activities teach valuable skills and life lessons. Sports, dance, gymnastics, karate, music lessons, hiking or mountaineering clubs – all can instill discipline through repetitive practice, following rules and patterns, and adhering to a schedule. A variety of hobbies will inculcate a strong sense of discipline in your child.
3. Express empathy. Try to understand your child’s point of view. For instance, if they want to stay up late, admit that it would be fun to stay up later and watch another show, read another chapter, etc. Tell them that when you were a child, you wanted to stay up late at night as well. Draw comparisons to your life today, too. For instance, you might share that you often have responsibilities at work that keep you from doing fun things, but which are necessary so that you can provide for your family. When children feel their perspective is understood and they have been listened to, they will be more willing to comply.
   • Help your child see the consequences of doing what they want to do. If they express the desire to stay up later, remind them they have to wake up early tomorrow. Ask how they think they would feel if they didn’t get a good night’s sleep and they will (hopefully) realize you are looking out for their best interests.
4. Use stories to demonstrate virtuous behavior. Reading can help kids learn lessons which they can apply to their own lives. After reading about a disciplined, responsible character, engage your child in a dialogue about the reactions, thoughts, and feelings they had when reading the book. This helps them identify with the character and understand the cause-and-effect process of logical consequences.
   • For instance, when reading ‘’The Ants and the Grasshopper’’, emphasize how the ants were industrious and ultimately rewarded with food for the winter, while the grasshopper was lazy and had fun, but ended up hungry.
5. Offer your child options. Don't let them run the show, but ask them, for instance, what color shirt they want to wear, or if they’d prefer carrots or broccoli with a meal. Instilling discipline should not come at the expense of nurturing your child’s sense of autonomy. As your child’s access to choices grows, so too will their ability to discipline themselves, resist temptations, and focus on their obligations.
   • Start with simple choices such as what book to read or what color socks to wear.
   • Only offer a choice when one really exists. Asking a child if they want to take a nap at naptime (and forcing them to do so) does not constitute an opportunity for the exercise of free will.

Instilling Discipline Through Consequences

1. Stay calm. It is important to maintain an even tone and attitude when addressing an errant child. Instead of screaming, "Get off the table now, or you're in big trouble!" in a loud voice and angry tone, calmly say "Please get off the table — you could fall and hurt yourself and I don't want that to happen."
   • If the child is being rude to you, use the same strategy. Tell them calmly to stop, and explain why you disapprove. For example, "Don't swear, it's not a nice way of talking and you sound so much nicer when you talk politely." Let them know this is their only warning. This is often enough to deter bad behavior.
   • If the child continues to be disobedient, tell them their punishment and mete it out. Make sure they understand the connection between their behavior and the punishment. Maintain a calm demeanor throughout.
2. Follow through. Never make idle threats or you will lose all credibility with your child. Think before you threaten your child with a certain consequence. Adhere to your stated intention immediately to maximize the connection between the child’s behavior and the punishment meted out. If you show leniency on one occasion, your child may take it as an indication that the rule is not to be taken seriously.
   • After the child has finished their punishment, hug them or kiss them to show them you aren't mad anymore, and explain again why you don't want them to do that. Get them to repeat why you disapprove — it will make them more likely to remember. After that, say no more about the incident and move on.
3. Match the punishment to the crime. Sometimes a time-out is necessary, while other times, more severe forms of punishment (such as grounding or the elimination of certain privileges) are required. Whatever form the punishment takes, make sure it is fair.
   • Make the punishment is age appropriate. Younger children have a much shorter attention span and will forget what they are being punished for after only a couple of minutes, so grounding them for a week is pointless; they will not understand the concept. Start with one minute in time out for each year of age and work up from there.
4. Apply consequences consistently. Don’t punish a certain behavior one day and ignore it the next. This will confuse the child and make them unsure what constitutes acceptable behavior. Be consistent in the type of punishment, too. Apply the same punishment for the same misbehavior, every time.
   • Consistency can be problematic when two parents or caregivers see the same behavior in different ways. For instance, a child who runs around in the backyard may be seen as playing harmlessly by one parent, but the other may worry that the child might trip or hurt themselves while running, and therefore punishes for running. Talk with your partner, caregiver, or babysitter about what you consider reasonable behavior and what actions they should in take in the event of transgression.
   • If you want to change the rules regarding what your child is allowed to do, let them know what your revised expectations are, as well as the punishment they can expect if they fail to comply.
5. Evaluate the utility of punishment. Some children are compliant, and will respond to the mere threat of punishment. Others are more rebellious and only become more resistant to your directives when punished. Think about your child’s temperament and personality to decide if punishment is a good way to instill discipline.

Tips

• With time and patience, you can reshape any child into a more disciplined individual.
• It is okay to let your child make mistakes. Sometimes the best learning happens through failure and a lack of discipline.
• Do not bribe your child by giving a reward for the cessation of bad behavior. Only provide a reward when the child demonstrates good, disciplined behavior.

Warnings

• Do not be mean, sarcastic, or rude to the child.
• Avoid corporal punishment like spanking. This can cause the child to fear and distrust their parent.
• Do not try to instill discipline in a child through fear, shame, or humiliation. This will weaken the relationship between you and your child and damage their sense of self-worth.

Related Articles

• Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking
• Discipline a Child According to Age
• Discipline Your Troubling Student
• Teach Manners to a Toddler
• Change the Diaper of a Fussy Infant
• Give a Spanking
• Discipline a Toddler Effectively Without Spanking

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With Your Young Children When They Interrupt You
• Get a Child to Sit in a Car Seat
• React when Your Child Ignores You
• Know if Your Child Needs Therapy
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids
• Give a Spanking
• Discipline an Autistic Child
• Get Your Children Away from TV
• Discipline a Child
• Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking

Read more ...

What links here

• Childproof a Bedroom
• Deal With Disrespectful Children
• Find a Nanny
• Have Movie Etiquette