Deal With Finding out Somebody You Love Is Gay

When somebody you love comes out, it can be a jarring, unsettling experience. For many parents, it can be a big shock to find out their son or daughter is gay or lesbian. It can turn your perception of a friendship upside down. You tell yourself nothing can stop you from caring for your friend, child, cousin - whomever. Yet, when you find out for sure that a loved one is gay, you start panicking and you don't know what to do. Need some help?

Steps

  1. Remain calm. Even if the news of your loved one's homosexuality is a shock, try to take it calmly. Coming out is a difficult process, and getting angry or upset will just make it worse. This is probably one of the most difficult conversations of all of your lives, and so if you can hear what is being said and try to stay calm, it will go easier for all concerned. Don't have an anxiety attack. Even if the news is shocking, your calm and reassurance that you still care for this person will help move the relationship forward.
  2. Remember that it isn't about you - or anyone other than the person who just came out to you. Trying to deal with your feelings about what you've just learned often leads to wanting to find a reason for this. Parents and friends will blame themselves, or will blame the love interest, if there is one. You may wonder if you had done anything different, whether s/he would be straight. Put your mind at ease: nothing you do changes sexual orientation - it's not so much about preferring one gender as it is about personal identity. It's not about a guy, a girl, or you. It's about this person discovering who s/he is inside. If you are blaming the person your loved one is involved with, that's a big mistake, too. It's practically a guarantee that if this person hadn't come along, someone else would have. Just a matter of time.
  3. Ask questions. It's important that you show interest in discussing this, even if you don't have an issue with it. You have found out about a major part of someone's life, which was previously a secret, so it's natural that you will be curious about it. Don't be shy - it's a welcome thing if you are able to talk openly about it. Your questions are perfectly natural. Ask how the process of making gay/lesbian friends is going.
  4. Respect your loved one's choices. There may not be much choice about sexual orientation, but it may not be set in stone. Research is now showing that sexuality, particularly in women, is much more fluid than previously thought. It may be that this person will "switch teams" later on, or will stay where s/he is now - but whatever develops, respecting his/her partner and making them feel welcome in your family or home is going to be important to carrying on a close relationship. It's important that you don't allow suspicion or dislike of the chosen love interest to drive a wedge between you.
  5. Even if you are homophobic, remember to respect your loved one.
    • Do not assume it will always "blow over". Many people will know they are gay by the time they come out.

Tips

  • For Other Relationships:

    • Ask who else has been told. Check whether you can discuss this information with other mutual friends or not. Your friend may want to stay in control of who knows what for now, and so it's important you don't just break their confidence in you by blabbing to all and sundry!
  • For Parents:

    • Many parents blame themselves, worrying that they could have done something different and produced a heterosexual child. Parents do not cause their children to be gay. All the best evidence seems to suggest that homosexuality is simply a natural variation (like eye colour), and certainly isn't within the control of anyone to cause someone else to be gay or lesbian. Please don't blame yourself or feel guilty about your child's homosexuality. These kinds of feelings, while understandable, don't help anyone.
    • If receiving the disclosure hasn't gone well and has caused a rift between you and your child, you might find some counselling helpful. It might help to talk to other parents of LGBT children, and there are helplines as well as parent support groups. For example in the UK you could contact the PACE Family Support project. their website is www.pacehealth.org.uk. In the USA, you can contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays).

    • Many people are not always aware of bisexuality. There's a chance that if your child has fancied the opposite sex, they may be more likely to be bisexual.

Warnings

  • If it's a same sex friend, don't immediately assume they fancy you! Although they might, now is not the time to ask.
  • Don't pretend you didn't hear it and continue trying to fix your child up with some "nice girl/boy" or whatever other straight fantasy you want to perpetuate. This sounds harsh, but if you want to have a good, honest, authentic relationship with your gay son or daughter, you will need to stay grounded in reality. This sort of desperate grasping and hope that just "meeting the right person" will "set him or her straight" is futile and only strains relations between the two of you further.
  • Don't fool yourself into believing your child's homosexuality is 'just a phase'.

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Sources and Citations

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