Deal With Verbal Bullying

Being bullied is no fun feeling. Many people, from kids to teen and adults are bullied in their lives. Sometimes, when bullying is taken too far, the person subject to bullying can become reclusive, distrustful or turn to bullying themselves in order to cope. In extreme cases, they may even try to take their own lives to put an end to it. This article has tips to deal with verbal bullying to take a stand against bullies, and help the person being bullied.

Steps

Understanding a Few Things About Bullying

  1. Realize that you don't deserve to be bullied. Also be aware that you do live within a cultural time that values competitiveness as a virtue. One unfortunate side effect of that pressure to always perform, succeed and be some sort of ultimate is that some people feel that bullying is an okay way to behave. It's never okay and fortunately, there are ways to manage the situation to allow you to cope and even thrive despite the bullying person or culture to which you're being subjected.
  2. Do not be taken in by people who insist you brought this on yourself. The concept that someone has been bullied because of some weakness or inability to show grit in the face of witty barbs is born from the opinion of bullies themselves, the people who would like to excuse this disgusting behavior as "normal". Human beings are meant to get along with one another to ensure the species' survival, which does not mean spending inordinate amounts of time tearing one another down. You do not have to change who you are to satisfy the odd insecurities or failures of the bully. What you do need to do is find ways to manage this person effectively, so that he or she isn't constantly dragging you down.

Managing the Bullying

Ignoring the Verbal Insulting

  1. Ignore the verbal bullying. The problem with responding is that unless you can manage a total shutdown comment, you are simply entering the fray and making it even likelier that the bully will keep up the comments. Instead, ignore the insults the bullying person says to you. While it is definitely hard to shrug off the insults, rumors, and remarks, if you make it look like the name-calling and insults have no effect on you, the person bullying you will have little else to go on, causing that person to lose power and confidence in the results. It doesn't mean that the person won't try again, as some people are dreadfully persistent, but it does mean you buy time to get away and it looks as if you're going to be too much trouble to hassle out in future.
  2. Be aware that you may have to deal with friends or allies backing up the bully. In this case, the bully is the ringleader and the friends follow suit. It is typical in this case for a verbal bully to have their friends join in the "fun". To put a stop to this, don't even consider the friends or allies of this person, as they are the sideshow, they're weak without their ringleader. Pretend they're not even there and this will further weaken the impact of the ringleader bully.
    • Do not tell anything to these sidekicks in confidence when away from the main bully. They'll only use this as ammunition by running and telling the confidence to the main bully, which will then be used against you. Do not trust any of them with your personal secrets, wishes or hopes. They have lost their right to be trusted by you.
  3. Give no reaction to verbal bullying. Carry on as if you didn't hear what was said, and either continue on your way, or continue with your conversation, presentation or discussion as if you heard nothing. You will feel jumpy inside but try your best to not let that show outwardly. Bullies only hurt others so they can cause somebody to have negative feelings about themselves or their performance. Showing that the bully's words hurt you reveals that the bully found your vulnerability and will cause the bully to keep trying to exploit it. However, if you do nothing, then they will get bored and go bully someone else.
    • If ignoring them seems hard to do, act dumb. Simply act as if you haven't understood what was said at all, and that to try to understand it would be wasted effort.
  4. Walk away. Instead of putting up with the hate, you can just walk away from it and try to ignore. Walking off without responding, gesturing or even sighing will make the bully think you're not worth the effort because you fail to give sufficient reaction or break down. Do this if the insults really hurts your feelings, so that you can walk away and deal with it yourself. Find a friend or a quiet, private spot to help you to calm down and cope better.

Swamping the Bully with Kindness

  1. Treat the bully with kindness. It might be tempting to teach the bully a lesson, but it doesn't do any good. Many bullies are victims of bullying themselves, or they're being poorly treated in some way; in the workplace, they may have bought into a culture of bullying that sees them rewarded and promoted for being a bully. They are treated with hate, so that is how they treat other people, it's the only way they've learned to perceive and deal with the world. Many bullies have forgotten what kindness feels like. But if you are kind to them, they might thaw a bit, and become nicer. Of course, this isn't guaranteed but if you stick to always been nice in return, it gets harder and harder to assault you with verbal unkindness.
    • If they insult you or say mean things, such as "Did you get your clothes from the dumpster?" kindly answer and ask them for advice. The bully will be puzzled.
  2. Be disarming with positive comments. Sometimes you may be able to make the bully appear small and ungracious by saying that you expected more of this person, by way of a compliment. In this case, you inform the bully that you have noticed their good points only and that you're not going to play this game of attack the vulnerabilities until one person is decimated. Some examples of how this might be done include:
    • "Really? I always looked up to your amazing skills to help inspire me."
    • "I'm saddened to learn you'd think that ill of me. I've always admired you."
    • "I've always liked your style. I'd be grateful for your suggestions."
    • "You're a really cool person. I know you can see things differently if you choose to."
  3. Try your best to remain civil, no matter what. Getting aggressive might provoke them to use physical bullying or to threaten your stability in some way (such as removing you from a team, sacking you or harassing other people you care about). If you're downright rude and insulting yourself, you could get in trouble with your parents, school, workplace or club. Moreover, dealing with the insults in a civilized manner will often make the bully seem immature in comparison, especially when in the company of others. People don't like to see a civil person continuously insulted.

Avoiding the Bully

  1. Avoid the bully. There's no need to go out of your way all of the time but there's no need to put yourself in the pathway of this person either. While you're shoring up your own defenses to cope with this verbal trickster, rearrange things to keep meetings at a minimum. If you're at school, take an alternate route or catch your transportation at a different time. Or, sit somewhere different or walk/bus with friends. For those at work, don't hang out where the bully does, try to deal with coworkers you trust and keep any interactions with the bully civil and short. However, realize that avoidance cannot go on forever; once this person disrupts your life considerably, they've won through intimidation. You must resort to managing the problem in the long run, and only using avoidance as a short-term measure to buy you time to strengthen your determination and to deal with feeling upset.
    • If you're avoiding the bully out of fear of physical violence, don't delay in getting help. Tell someone in authority immediately so that this can be dealt with properly and swiftly.

Coping

  1. Don't listen to the rumors that the bully says about you. Don't defy the rumor - it may make you sound like you're trying to cover up something. Instead, just ignore it.
  2. Remind yourself that the bully is the one with the problem. This can be so hard to remember when someone has wounded you to the core and has found that element about yourself that you feel uncertain about. However, it's so important to remember because it helps you to realize both that you are not lacking as the bully is trying to suggest and that the lack actually comes from within the bullying person. That person feels so ashamed, disappointed, angry, down or confused that it's easier for them to pick on another than to deal with the issues confronting them. This can be especially the case where the bully has bad role models and is emulating the poor behaviors of others and has nobody else to guide them on the straight and narrow. Don't blame yourself, do be as compassionate as you can be, and do protect yourself.
    • Realize that a bully will always place their own needs ahead of yours. This is a survival mechanism, a cry from a very hurt heart. As such, even if the bully seems nice at times, be aware that this can change swiftly. It pays to stay neutral and polite at all times, especially in the workplace or social group contexts.
    • Bullies often have poor interpersonal skills. Having tried bullying and realizing that it works, in a weird way, they are often reluctant to let go of this bad habit.
    • The worldview of a bully is often rigid. This means they see things in terms of black and white, and anything that fails to fit their sense of the world is deemed odd or despicable. This can a reason behind the insults; while this does not excuse bad behavior, it may help to explain it.
  3. Read about bullying and management of it. Having knowledge is a form of great power, as it helps you to realize that you're not alone and that others have dealt with bullying in effective ways. There are excellent articles available online through such sources as government, anti-bullying organizations and academic journals that will give you a range of experiences and tools that others have used to defeat the bully in their midst. Use this knowledge to your advantage and keep strong.

Getting Help

  1. Hang with friends, in a group. Always have your friends around you. It's much more intimidating to a bully to deal with the group than with an individual. Of course, it isn't always possible to be with your friends, so don't be surprised if the bully works out just those moments when you are alone and tries to make the most of them. In this case, resort to some of the methods suggested in the previous section, or seek help, as discussed next.
  2. Tell someone how you feel about the insulting occasion. It can be helpful to talk to a family member or close friend, as they will give you reassurance that you're a great person (you are anyway but it's nice to have someone tell you face-to-face). Even if they are not in a position to solve the problem, they can help you cope.
  3. Get help from people in a position to do something. Tell a teacher, school guidance counselor, trusted adult, parent, human resources officer, trusted friend, etc., if the bullying continues. You could ask if it's possible to be kept anonymous but in order to deal with this properly, a little courage will go a long way. Remember that the bully has problems that need tending too, it's not just about needing to protect yourself.
    • At school, ask your principal for help. He/she will most likely call whoever bullied you and confront them.

Tips

  • Find something constructive to do. Something to get your mind off of the bullying always helps.
  • People only bully when they are in a group. It is hard to bully a person just on your own so that is why whenever there is bullying going on it is definitely in a group. The bullies need each other to reassure themselves so that they think that it is right.
  • Remember that your friends and family are willing to help you if you're dealing with something terrible.
  • Try doing something to relieve stress. Punching a pillow helps. Yoga and other exercise techniques can help blow off steam and reduce stress.
  • Keep in mind one word: karma. If you believe in it, karma means that what you do to someone is going to happen to you. Turn the other cheek and think about something positive.
  • Some people say that bullies bully because they have low self-esteem. This may be true, but it can happen for other reasons. If they are popular, then they probably do it to enhance their self image. Others do it because it happened to them when they were younger. Find out, and try to use this information to your advantage

Warnings

  • Be aware that some bullies are persistent and stalker-like. They won't give in, they're like an ox-pecker after a tick, and won't let go. In this case, you will need to accept that the bully is determined and seek help and/or change your method of response.
  • If you ignore the bully, they might be tempted to keep doing something worse just to get you to crack.
  • If you're feeling very upset and disturbed, or having thoughts about suicide, you may have depression. Contact an adult, trusted family member or doctor immediately if symptoms occur. If you are literally considering suicide, call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK immediately.
  • This article is very generalized. It is important to read more in areas specific to your situation, such as school, work or a social/sporting club because different situations raise different responses that you can give and different ways of managing the bullying.
  • Never fight, and if the bully takes something of yours, don't worry, remain calm. Nervousness will show you are scared and then the bully will try to scare you in order to harass you more. Seek help immediately, to get the item back, and the situation remedied.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  • www.depression.com
  • www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html
  • www.bullyonline.org
  • www.rapist.com
  • www.philmccracken.com
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