Deal With Your Nosy Parents

Even if we have a great relationship with our parents, most of us need our own space to grow. If your parents are particularly nosy, it can be difficult to feel like an individual with your own needs, wants, and personality. There are a variety of techniques to combat parental nosiness and effectively communicate your need for personal space to your parents.

Steps

Understanding Nosiness

1. Understand how technology has changed our expectations. Communication is easier than ever with the onslaught of cell phones and social media outlets. While this is not necessarily a bad things, as people are becoming increasingly social and more connected, it has changed the way we communicate and what information we expect to know about others.
   • Communication used to be confined to certain times and places, but with social media and cell phones we can stay in touch with loved ones wherever and whenever we want. We've come to expect an onslaught of information immediately.
   • Social media fuels nosiness in that it invites certain questions. Posting online about your job, travel plans, interpersonal relationships, and your own emotional state fuels curiosity. If your parents are already nosy, consider either blocking them on social media or using filtered settings to limit what information they can see.
2. Look for extenuating circumstances. Is there a reason your parents are particularly nosy about you and your behavior? Are they equally invested in your siblings and other relatives? If not, there might be a reason they're focusing their attention on you.
   • You might not be communicating effectively. Oftentimes, people think they're being as open and honest as ever but due to communication barriers they are not fully aware of they've recently changed how they communicate. Has there been a sudden change in your situation? Are you busier than you used to be? More stressed? Dealing with more information than usual? If there's been any change to your situation, you might be putting up communication barriers that are making your parents push for more information.
   • Has there been a major life change recently? New babies, marriages, divorces, and moving from place to place triggers parental nosiness. While your parents might think they're being helpful with their constant questions, it may read as nosy to you.
3. Know that some people simply communicate more. Your parents might not think of themselves as nosy. Many people simply have a greater need for communication and are more open about their own lives, emotions, and needs and expect the same in return.
   • Some people are compulsive communicators. This means they talk and ask questions because they don't know any other way to interact, and quiet time makes them nervous.
   • People with anxiety issues often talk more without realizing it. If your parents are the nervous type, this might be a habit they picked up over time to deal with excess stress. Knowing exactly what's going on and nitpicking for information provides temporary relief from anxiety inducing thoughts.
   • Extroverts communicate in a different way. While it's a myth that extroverts are bad listeners or that they talk too much, if your parents are far on the extrovert side of the scale they're more likely to try and draw out information by asking leading questions. They're not trying to be rude or nosy. This is simply how they process information.

Coping with Nosy Questions

1. Tell the truth, but omit uncomfortable details. Oftentimes, to deflect nosy questions our default is to lie or skew information to try and reduce the listening party's interest. For example, you and your significant other decide to "take a break" or "open things up" and you don't want to explain this relationship gray area to your folks, so you simply say the two of you broke up to deflect incessant questions. Lying like this is not a good strategy. It's better to be honest while omitting any information you're not comfortable sharing.
   • Once you lie, you create a situation where you have to keep track of false information. It's usually not sustainable longterm, as we forget the details of fabricated stories. If you get caught in a lie, this will only fuel your parents nosy nature as they now think you're hiding something.
   • If your parents question you about a subject you'd rather not talk about, be honest without giving out any information you're not comfortable sharing. This way, your parents will feel you're keeping them informed on your life and you'll get the benefit of privacy. In the hypothetical scenario involving your significant other, for example, you could say something like, "Yes, we're still seeing each other but things are simmering down a bit."
2. Deflect questions. A great way to subtly avoid your parents nosiness is to deflect the questions. This can effectively communicate you're uncomfortable without openly stating as much, which can cause undue confrontation in certain situations.
   • Try to change the subject. Gloss over an unwanted question by giving a non-committal answer and bring up another subject quickly. Many nosy people are nosy because they have no filters themselves, and will gladly share information about their own lives with ease. If this is the case with your folks, they will likely be glad to take the opportunity to discuss their own lives.
   • Use humor to deflate the situation. If your parents are asking you for information you're not comfortable giving out, some light humor can distract them from their line of interrogation. If they ask, for example, "How much are you making at that new job?" try something like, "Half of what I'm worth."
   • At social gatherings, like events surrounding the holidays, use excuses to get away from unwanted nosiness. Excuse yourself to use the restroom, get more food, or grab another drink.
3. Understand the power of "because." The word "because" is powerful in that it often serves as a deflection in and of itself. Social experiments have shown when someone uses "because" in a sentence, listeners are less likely to pry even when what follows because is vague.
   • In one study, a young woman at a crowded public library asked people ahead of her in line if she could cut in front of them. While 60% of participants let her cut with no explanation, 90% let her go when she said "Could I cut ahead in line because..." and then followed with an explanation. This percentage remained the same whether the circumstances were specific ("Because I have class in 10 minutes and I need to copy some flyers for my presentation") or vague ("Because I need to make copies.").
   • Use "because" when talking to your parents. If you don't want to offer excess information, a simple "because" followed by a vague declaration may actually deter them from pressing for information. For example, "I'm going out tonight because I'm hanging out with a friend" or "I quit my job because I was unhappy there."
4. Accept their nosiness. Some people are simply nosy. If this is the case for your parents accepting that fact is important. It might not lead to less prying on their end, but if you accept the situation for what it is without expecting things to change you will at least feel less stress.
   • What exactly make their questions nosy? Ask yourself this and try to empathize with your parents. Do you live far away? Do they not know the people in your life well, such as co-workers, significant others, and friends? If so, their nosiness might be rooted in an insecurity over losing touch with you as you grow. Try to be understanding of their situation. This will make you more empathetic of their needs and wants and, therefore, less irritated by their questions.
   • How much do your parents share with you? Nosy people, as stated, are often more open about their own lives and don't understand why certain questions cause discomfort. If your parents are chronic over-sharers, they might not see their questions as nosy at all.

Communicating Your Needs

1. Be honest with your parents about why their questions bother you. Oftentimes, people do not realize they're prying. Being open about how you feel can help lessen the onslaught of questions.
   • Schedule a time to talk so you're prepared to communicate your needs effectively. If you're nervous, write up a list of issues you want to discuss with your folks.
   • Try to stay emotionless while making a plan to confront your parents. A lot of the time, if we're nervous we let our emotions take over resulting in making excuses to avoid the situation. Be diplomatic in your approach.
   • Start with love. That is, do not go in blaming your parents or open up with a laundry list of everything they've done wrong. Start off with something like, "I know you guys love and miss me a lot, and I really miss you two, and I appreciate you wanting to know what's going on in my life." From there, you can explain why their questions bother you.
   • Explain why. As we've stated, nosy people often fail to understand other people's boundaries. Tell your parents why discussing certain subjects with them causes you discomfort so they can empathize with your situation as well.
2. Remind your parents that you are okay. Nosiness if often rooted in worry or concern. Reminding your parents that you are doing okay can deflect prying before it begins.
   • Tell your parents you will sometimes make mistakes, but that's okay. Remind them that sometimes messing up provides valuable learning opportunities. This will let them know they do not need to know every detail of your life, as errors in judgment are inevitable part of growing up.
   • When you do talk, bring up the positives in your life. Even if it's just a small detail, like having read a great article online or gone for a nice walk after work, if you sound happy and healthy on the phone you're parents will be less likely to worry something's wrong.
   • Let them know you have a support system. Sometimes, life is difficult and if your parents know you're going through a break up or you just lost your job their nosiness will be heightened. If you're not doing stellar at the moment, bring up friends and loved ones to your parents and tell them how they're helping you cope. Anything that makes your parents feel more secure in your well-being can deflect nosiness.
3. Set specific boundaries. Your parents need to know what subjects are absolutely off-limits and if deflecting and avoiding the questions aren't working, it's time to be upfront.
   • When the opportunity arises to state your boundaries, take it. If your dad is grilling you on the date you had last Friday, say something like, "I appreciate your interest, Dad, but I'm not really comfortable discussing my love life with you."
   • State your case in a way that doesn't make your parents feel left out. Let them know if any major changes occur in your life, they'll be the first to know, but that many day-to-day details are off-limits for nit-picky discussion. For example, in the above scenario, try following up with something like, "But, don't worry. If it gets serious, I'll tell you all about her."

Tips

• Empathy is key to effective communication. Try to understand where your parents are coming from and what drives their nosiness. This will make the issue easier to address.
• Change takes time, and your parents nosiness will not go away overnight. Be consistent in how you communicate with them, and with time they will understand when not to pry.
• If your parents follow you on social media, be selective about what you post and share. If they're nosy, they'll likely ask about your statuses and tweets.
• Trust may be lost in a few minutes but would take years to be regained so be careful what you do to your parents. They might be nosy because they know that the things you choose are not the best thing for you. But their instinct might be wrong, so try to talk to them but remember to be polite.
• Never put your social media under your real name, so they that it can prevent them to find you on social media.

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