Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother In Laws

Does your mother-in-law try to run your home like it's hers? Does she question your every decision and thinks she knows it all and you know nothing? Does she barge in unannounced and think it's perfectly normal, and dismiss your concerns? Has she made your life her life? Handle the situation and regain control over your household.

Steps

  1. Set boundaries. Let MIL know that she needs to pre-arrange a visit in case your family is busy. Don't make decisions right away. Say "Spouse & I will discuss and get back to you". If she's not getting the point, remove her ability to intrude. Does she have a key to your house and uses it without permission? If so, calmly let her know that you need advance warning for a visit and ask for it back. If she refuses, discreetly change the locks.
  2. If you don't have an answering machine or voice mail, get one (or both). Screen calls — you should be the one to decide when you want company — not the other way around.
  3. Be aware of the pressure your actions will have on your spouse. You have to be very gentle because you're putting them in a position where they have to deny the wants of their mother, and they have a longer history than you do. Talk with them calmly about your top 3 issues (don't just whine about them all) and ask for their support in changing the situation.
  4. Speak to your husband about their role in your relationship with MIL. Ideally they should be the one to set boundaries for their new family, as she will have to accept what they say, but you and they need to 100% agree on the problem, the expectations and the approach to change the situation. There is a lot of leeway for guilt and emotional manipulation in these discussions. Try to do the right thing by your husband and respect his relationship with his mother, but explain your needs for your family's personal space, autonomy, and your right to make your own mistakes since it's your life that you're living. You are old enough (and wise enough) to plan and live your lives without parental interference.
  5. Make a list of conflicts and come up with workable solutions. Some of the behaviours may be directly offensive, others may be secret and manipulative. Open your heart. She's not a demon. She is just having difficulty emotionally separating from her son.
  6. Encourage her to pursue some of the interests she has lost touch with. Try to repair your relationship by going with her on some of these activities. She would have given up a lot to raise the spouse you love and now she doesn't know where to get her needs met.
  7. Encourage her relationship with her spouse. Remind her that she has a wonderful, long relationship (with someone other than her child!) and ask them how they've made it last.
  8. Give them a new role. Perhaps tell MIL & FIL that you'd like them to cultivate a special relationship with their grandchildren. Would they like to mind them for one Sunday a month? This will give you time to improve your relationship with hubby to cope with the times that MIL drives you up the wall. Be sure to set boundaries about child cre, timings and the like and let them know that they need to respect your parenting style if you will spend time with them.
  9. It will only be a matter of time until MIL and FIL will age and need to depend on you and your spouse more for physical and perhaps financial support, so do try to set those boundaries and show them some love.
  10. Recognize what she's dealt with. One can't live vicariously through the lives of others, but mothers are often asked to do that in order to raise children and support husbands. Her trying to run your life for you is a continuation of what she's done for the last few decades for her own family.
  11. You absolutely need to be gentle with her feelings or you will lose support of your husband and you need to present a united front if things are to change. If nothing works, consider moving. That might be an extreme step, but the happiness of your own family is important, and the distance may minimize unwelcome drop-in visits. But it also may mean extended sleep-over visits.

Tips

  • Stop any and all attacks on your spouse. Let it be known that you will not put up with personal attacks or guilt trips.
  • Try to be kind, yet firm.
  • Consider that your MIL is probably codependent, and all or most of the above may just be fuel for a fire. Deal With a Codependent Family Member
  • Make your needs and wants clear. Put them in writing and make several copies. She might claim she "lost" hers or "forgot" she wasn't supposed to do something in particular.

Warnings

  • Sometimes, spouses might shut down when you try to tell them that their mother has crossed the line. This may be a sign of underlying serious issues. If they still choose to not acknowledge that a problem is occurring, it might be time to think about getting an unbiased opinion from a counselor or friend.

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