Forget Your Ex Girlfriend

As painful as breaking up can be, it's the emotional fallout after the fact that can really ruin a person's year. Read these steps to learn how to forget your ex-girlfriend and put your life back together.

Steps

Taking Care of Yourself

  1. Give yourself time. It's a terrible thing to go through a rough breakup. It would be nice if there was some way to force yourself to pick up and move on at the drop of a hat, but that's just not how people work. Like it or not, you're going to need time to heal. This guide can only help guide the healing and hasten it somewhat. It can't reduce the time you'll need beyond a certain amount.
  2. Use your personal space. Maybe you own a home; maybe you only have half a bedroom to call your own. Whatever the case, find times and places where you can be alone with your thoughts, and let them come naturally. When you have personal space, you have no restrictions on your thoughts. Knowing you have a place where you can be totally honest with yourself will help you cope with your anger and sadness in other areas of your life.
    • If you don't have any useful space at home, try visiting a nearby park or schoolyard at a time when few other people are using it. Find an out-of-the-way corner and stay there for a while.
    • If your personal space reminds you of your ex-girlfriend, rearrange it. Take down and hide anything that reminds you of your time together, and give the whole area a fresh look by moving furniture, changing decorations, or donating/selling extra stuff.
    • Consider meditation during your personal time, to help you sort things out in your head. There are various meditation methods; the most basic is to sit and breathe evenly, focusing on the physical sensation of your own body, until your thoughts become clearer and less overwhelming.
  3. Resist the temptation to call. Especially after longer-term relationships, the urge to get back in touch with your ex can be overwhelming. Do your very best to resist it; it will only make things worse in the long run.
    • Try keeping a tally of all the times you start to get in touch with your ex-girlfriend. The act of keeping track will remind you to stop.
    • If your ex is the one getting in touch with you, things become more complicated. It's best to avoid her as much as possible, if you can. Try to explain to her that you need more time to get over her. If she still cares at all, she'll do her best to respect your wishes.
      • If she doesn't seem to be respecting your request, don't be too angry with her. It usually means she is suffering almost as much as you are, and simply lacks your self-discipline.
  4. Write down your thoughts and emotions. Write as much or as little as you want, but write something. Often, you'll find that when you start writing, you won't be able to stop quickly.
    • Don't worry about the quality of your writing. Grammar, word choice, and other such things don't matter one bit.
    • Once you've written out a whole diatribe, burn it or tear it into pieces and dump it. This act of “sending away” what you wrote is a very powerful psychological coping tool.
    • Don't send, or plan to send, any of your writing to your ex – not even a letter. Any movement you make towards her, even in bitterness or frustration, is a step in the wrong direction. Remember, you're trying to cut the ties that bind, not tangle them.
  5. Write down your hopes and interests. Whenever you're feeling self-possessed enough that you don't need to vent in your writing, try listing your talents, hobbies, interests, ambitions, and dreams. You'll be reminded of how much else there is in your life aside from your ex.
    • Organize these items however you want. Try ordered lists, or just draw a big web of connected ideas.
    • Every time you hit on something that really excites or interests you, take special note of it. You have the time and freedom to pursue these things again, now that you're single.
  6. Talk to a confidant. If you're lucky enough to have one, a trusted confidant can be a great way to unload some of your emotional burden. If you don't have a person you can trust who will sit and listen to you, consider paying for a few sessions with a counselor.
    • Be absolutely sure your confidant is someone you can trust. You're very vulnerable right now, and one casual word from him or her to the wrong person could come back around and hurt you. Make it clear that you want this to stay strictly between the two of you.
    • Give yourself a few minutes to get started. You'll feel embarrassed and silly at first, but if you talk for a couple of minutes and see that your confidant isn't judging or ignoring you, the words will start coming faster than you can keep up.

Rebuilding Your Life

  1. Set strict boundaries. Make a conscious, sustained effort to maintain a bubble around yourself that your ex can't pass into. If you're still in contact, make it clear to her that you're breaking off contact so you can take the time you need to heal. Tell her not to call or text you, since you won't respond.
    • There's no need to be rude or insulting when you tell her this. Being polite but distant is a better approach, as it demonstrates that you aren't doing it just to get a rise out of her.
    • If she asks how long this change will be in effect, tell her it will take as long as it takes. There's no way to put a strict date on when you'll be able to be around her without feeling upset again. Sometimes it's only for a month or two; in rare cases, it could be for the rest of your life.
    • Be true to your word. Don't call, text, e-mail, or write her back if she contacts you, unless you have a life-and-death reason for doing so. It will hurt when she realizes she can't lean on you anymore, but she'll be better off for it in the long run.
  2. Change your schedule. If you possibly can, try to make adjustments to your schedule so that you avoid having to see each other any more than necessary.
    • If you work together, ask your scheduling manager if you can change your weekly schedule. You don't need to tell him or her about the breakup; just ask for different shifts.
    • If you have classes together, be civil in class, but ask the teacher if there's any way you can move your seat to be farther from where she sits.
  3. Add to your life experience. Take care of yourself by pursuing the experiences you've always wanted to have. Aside from obvious (and expensive) activities like road trips and skydiving, don't forget to indulge the more mundane things, as well: visiting every park in the city, seeing what happens to a penny left on the railroad tracks, singing karaoke, finding the oldest headstone in the local cemetery.
    • A penny on the railroad tracks won't derail a train, in case you're worried.
  4. Embrace your hobbies and interests. Fill your free time with steady progress and small victories instead of stewing in your sadness and anger. Use the lists you made of your dreams, interests, and talents as a guide.
    • If you ever used to daydream about fixing up a car, writing a book, or making your own wine from scratch, now is the best time to try those longer-term projects.
    • If you don't have any short-term hobbies to fill in the space between projects, why not pick up some from your childhood? Nobody's around to think less of you for working on a model kit, filling in a coin collection, or trying to beat a difficult video game.
  5. Set a daily routine. To make the most of your time, it helps to have a schedule you can stick to. Start with a regular bedtime and a regular waking time every morning, and then roughly plan out your weekday routine.
    • Be sure to make time for hygiene, exercise, chores, and meals. Load up your days off with plenty of personal time.
    • Don't be too strict when scheduling your life, or you might get upset when things disrupt your plans. Instead, have a basic idea of how long each part of your day should take, and a regular order to those parts. Anything more is counterproductive.
  6. Explain things to your mutual friends. They'll have heard her side of the story by now, but that's not terribly important. What matters is briefly explaining how you feel to the friends that you both share. Ask them to be careful about not inviting you over when your ex is there, and vice versa.
    • Don't ask your friends to choose one of you or otherwise “pick a side.” It's petty, cruel, and unfair to them. If they like both you and your ex-girlfriend, that's their business.
  7. Socialize with your friends more. One of the toughest parts of being single is feeling lonely again after having someone around to spend time with whenever you wanted. Soften the blow by spending more time out with your other friends. Even though you and your ex might share many of the same friends (depending on how long you were together, and how close you were), there's no reason you can't see them without her around. Invite them out with you and spend time forging closer bonds with them.
    • By taking the initiative instead of waiting to be invited out, you'll show your friends you still care about them. Additionally, you'll have a greater amount of control over where you go and what you do together, which should help minimize the chances of running into your ex or anything that reminds you of her.
    • Remember, there's no harm in asking them to avoid getting both you and your ex together at parties and such. Just be civil, and don't ask them to take sides.
    • Try calling up people you haven't seen as much lately. They'll appreciate hearing from you, and you're not likely to run into your ex-girlfriend around friends you didn't hang out with together.
  8. Be open to meeting new friends. No matter your age or social disposition, if you have the time to go do things with your friends, chances are good that you'll meet more people sooner or later. Be engaging and friendly with them, and you may very well end up making all kinds of new connections.
    • Aside from giving you more chances to get away from your solitude and be around others, it's also a big ego boost to remind yourself that people like you even in the absence of your ex-girlfriend, and that you can still meet people and make friends without her there.

Moving On For Good

  1. Be proud of yourself. Look around your life – you've got a full schedule, interesting hobbies, good friends, and maybe even a long-term project to work on. You've taken time to keep yourself balanced and work out your emotions, and you've acted firmly but ethically in dealing with the ties that bound you and your ex-girlfriend together. In short, you've taken a jumbled pile of feelings, thoughts, and hopes, and built yourself something beautiful with it. Be proud.
  2. Maintain your distance. If you're really beginning to feel good about yourself again, you should feel less and less of a need to contact your ex. Don't try to show her up or rub your new life in her face; she won't care, and you'll look like a jackass. Your achievements should be their own reward.
  3. Keep moving forward. It's a great feeling to finally be enjoying life again, but that's no excuse to stop improving it. Your life will only get better if you keep putting time and effort into making it better; if you don't, you'll end up languishing.
    • Don't think of happiness as a peak to be attained before calling it a day and heading back down; think of it as a prize to be won and carried with you on the rest of your journey.
  4. Assess your growth. Now that you're truly over your ex-girlfriend enough that you don't look at everything through breakup-colored glasses, you're probably beginning to notice other women again. This is the perfect time to think back on your past relationship one more time, and realize how you've grown.
    • Examine how your values have shifted. Having gone through a breakup with one type of woman, you probably have a good idea of the things you didn't like about her personality. This means you're probably eying women who have a different personality in that regard, which in turn means that you've learned from your past – a sure sign of personal growth.
    • Realize that you know yourself better than ever before. You've looked into your own heart and sought to understand it. You've tallied your interests and goals, and made new friends without anyone there to affect your presence. In short, you know yourself now in a way that you didn't before. You're more poised, more possessed, and more confident as a result.
      • Think about anything you spend your time on now that your ex would have scorned, laughed at, or not understood. You won't be hiding that part of yourself from the next girl who comes along – and she'll like you more for your forthrightness and unselfconscious attitude.
  5. Meet someone new. Once you've gotten to the point that you can go a week without getting upset about your breakup, the time has come to put yourself out on the dating market again, if you feel like it. Remember, if you're looking for a rebound, or the first willing woman who comes along, you're probably not over your ex quite yet. You shouldn't need a girlfriend to validate yourself.
    • Put your best foot forward. You've learned a lot from getting through your breakup, but you'll be pleasantly surprised to see that you've also learned a lot from the time you spent with your ex-girlfriend, too: Once you've truly accepted your breakup, you'll find that your last relationship was a goldmine of useful information for wooing your next crush. Here are a few of the basic things that should come more naturally to you than ever before when trying to pick up a date:
      • Good hygiene gets you past the first gate. Maintain it religiously.
      • Smile and be animated when you talk to your crush.
      • Take pride in your own life. Women like a man who seems complete even without a companion.
      • Be witty. A quick wit will charm the pants off a woman who's interested enough to pay attention to you – sometimes quite literally.
      • Be good company. Don't be self-conscious in the company of other men; instead, be outgoing and enthusiastic. Show that you have nothing to be afraid of.
  6. Don't jump in too quickly. In purely physical terms, if you and a date hit it off, however fast you want to go is entirely your business, but emotionally speaking, it's important that you ease into your next relationship. Ending a relationship always stings a little, but short relationships sting less if you've managed to keep a clear head.
    • If you find yourself thinking things like “she might be the one,” or constantly talking about her to everyone within earshot, you're probably in too deep – especially if it's only been a few weeks or months. Take a step back and make sure you're actually happy with yourself in general, and not just with the fact that you've managed to get a new girlfriend. Girlfriends aren't just tools for validating your life.
      • On the other hand, don't be afraid of commitment. If you've been dating a girl for a couple of months and you're beginning to feel more attached to her, don't hide it from her – or yourself. There's nothing unusual about it.

Tips

  • Remember, if she couldn't handle you at your worst, she doesn't deserve you at your best!
  • Time heals all wounds, as the saying goes, but time well-spent heals them more quickly. Take whatever time you need to mull over your feelings and sort them out, but don't get into the habit of wallowing in them. Push yourself to move on to more constructive behaviors whenever you're able.
  • Remember: you have been loved, you are loved, and you will be loved again. You have a place in the world around you. No matter how you feel or what your ex might say and do to make you feel worse in the short term, this fact remains.
  • Civility is always your best choice. There will be times you have to be in proximity to your ex. Remember to act in a way you can be proud of later. Be short and to the point, but be polite and don't let your emotions show.
  • Stop texting your ex girlfriend to say how sad or hurt you feel. If she calls or texts, do not answer. If you really want to write something out, do so on your computer or a piece of paper and send it to yourself. At least that way, you get it out and can sort through the feelings without dragging her back into it.
  • Just let it go. The more you contact her, soon enough the new boyfriend will be telling you to back off. It's not worth it. You'll definitely find someone better than her!
  • Know your boundaries to each other. Your ex girlfriend may emotionally drag you to rekindle with her but that's none of your business. Stay strong and firm about yourself in terms of moving forward.

Warnings

  • Be aware that if you text or email messages to your ex about how much agony you're in without her, she may use this as something to laugh at with her friends or be petty about. Stick to facts if you must contact her, such as "Your stuff is in the box at the front door of my sister's house. Collect tomorrow or she will take it to the thrift store next day."

Related Articles

Retrieved from "https://kipkis.com/index.php?title=Forget_Your_Ex_Girlfriend&oldid=322885"