Get Rid of an Obsessive Ex Girlfriend

You’ve finally ended a relationship with your girlfriend, and you’re ready to move on. The only problem is, she isn’t ready to let go. Dealing with an obsessive ex-girlfriend can be a scary situation. You don’t want to let her back into your life, but you also don’t know what she’s capable of. If you want her to leave you alone, you’ll have to learn to tread lightly.

Steps

Establishing Boundaries

  1. Communicate to her clearly that the relationship is over. It’s important that you send a clear message that you don’t want to be with her. You don’t need to explain yourself. If she’s obsessed with you, she won’t be thinking rationally. She’ll twist any explanation that you give her into evidence that you still care.[1] Simply let her know that you’re through being with her. Don’t send mixed signals either. If you say things like “I’ll always love you,” while you’re asking her to leave you alone, you’re fueling her obsession.
    • Say something like “We’re not together anymore. I would like you to move on with your life and to give me the freedom to do the same.”
    • Make your point and go. The longer that you stay, the more time she’ll have to try and convince you to change your mind.
    • She may feel distraught and even cry. Resist the urge to try and console her. If she sees that she can get your attention by crying, she’ll do it all the time.
  2. Decide what’s acceptable behavior. An obsessed ex will try anything to get your attention. She may call you at all hours of the night, visit your house out of the blue or even send you inappropriate photos. Make a list of the behaviors that you are unwilling to accept. Whenever she does one of the things on your list, absolutely refuse to give her your attention. Be sure to tell her that you won’t give in.[2]
    • For example: If you think it’s not okay for her to show up at your home, and she does, tell her “We’re not together anymore, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to come here. If you do so again, I will not answer my door, and if you keep doing so, I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.”
    • Never break your own rules. If you’re not consistent, then she’ll continue to do the things that bother you.
  3. Guard your emotions. Your ex may try to use your feelings against you. She may try to make you feel sorry for her or guilty about leaving her alone. Don’t let her control your internal state. Remind yourself that her emotions are not your responsibility.[3] Refuse to acknowledge her attempts to guilt you into being with her. If you can remove yourself from the situation, do so. If you can’t, try to say something like “I’m not going to talk to you at all until you can speak to me calmly.”
    • Obsessive people crave control. If you refuse to let her control your actions with her emotions, then she’ll eventually seek out power over someone else.
    • She’ll say anything she can to get you to feel bad for her. Stay strong. You may think you're chivalrous by trying to make her feel better. In reality, you’re only making it more likely that she’ll try to play on your emotions again.
  4. Be kind. If she can’t get your attention any other way, she’ll try to get it by pushing your buttons. She’ll send you mean messages or verbally attack you in person to seek to upset you. Don’t lose your cool. It may seem counterproductive to get her to back off by being cordial to her. However, if you respond to her attacks with attacks of your own, you’re rewarding her insults by giving her attention. Let her know that she will not get you riled up.
    • Say “I understand that you’re feeling upset, but I’m not going to retaliate against you in any way.”
    • Don’t be overly kind. Just respond to her first message kindly and then ignore the rest.

Creating Space Between You and your Ex

  1. Change your daily routine. If your ex-girlfriend sees you all the time, it will be hard for her to get over you. Alter your daily routine to minimize your risk of seeing her. If you know, she goes to a particular grocery store, go to a different one. Try out a new bar over the weekend if you think she might be visiting the one you usually go to.
    • Watch out if she randomly shows up at the new places you’ve decided to go. She could be stalking you.
  2. Communicate with your friends. If you have mutual friends with your ex, let them know that you’re trying to keep your distance from her. Don’t say anything negative about her, just make sure your friends understand that you shouldn’t be around her.[4] You don’t want them to invite both of you to the same events. Say “Things with my ex-girlfriend are a bit strained at the moment. I think it’s best that we not be around each other. Please don’t ask us to hang out at the same time.” If they don’t respect your request, it might be wise to find new friends.
    • Never ask your friends to choose sides. You’ll only escalate the situation and invite them into your drama.
    • Never say anything derogatory about your ex to your mutual friends. It will likely get back to her and give her ammo for the next time she attacks you.
    • If your ex-girlfriend tries to recruit your mutual friends to spy on you, drop those friends immediately.
  3. Block your ex. Make your ex-girlfriend unable to contact you by phone or by social media. If your ex-girlfriend tries to contact you from another number, block it too. The method for blocking people varies from phone to phone and from social media site to social media site. Be thorough. Block your ex anywhere she might try to contact you.
    • To block a number on an iPhone: tap “Settings,” tap “Phone,” tap “Block,” tap “Add New” and then choose the information of the person you want to block from your contacts.
    • To block someone on Facebook: go to “HELP & SETTINGS,” click on “Privacy Shortcuts,” click on “How do I stop someone from bothering me?” Type the name of your ex in the text box then click “Block.”
  4. Move. If your ex-girlfriend doesn't leave you alone after an extended period, you may consider taking extreme measures. Start a new life in a new environment where she won’t be able to reach you. Be sure to be secretive of your location change. Don’t tell any of your mutual friends where you’re going. Constant unwanted attention from your ex can be scary. You may be happier simply starting over somewhere else.[5]
    • If you want to keep your friends, be sure to let them know why you’re moving. Be entirely sure you can trust them not to tell your ex-girlfriend before you say where you’re going.

Protecting Yourself

  1. Document everything she does. If you end up having to get the authorities involved, you’ll need a record of all your ex’s obsessive behavior. Keep a notebook and document every time she harasses you.[6] Take screenshots of offensive text messages she sends you. If you can, take videos of her refusing to leave your home after showing up uninvited. Get a statement from people who may have witnessed her actions. You’ll need all the evidence you can get.
    • If she’s vindictive, she may try to press false charges against you for things like sexual assault or battery. If you have concrete evidence of her erratic behavior without any retaliation on your part, you’ll have an easier time clearing your name.
  2. Secure your home. Your ex-girlfriend’s unstable mindset may make her feel entitled to enter or vandalize your home. Don’t make it easy for her to get in. Always lock your doors and windows when you leave the house. If she has a key to your home, change the locks. You may want to get a motion sensor light to deter her as well.
    • If you want to invest the money, a quality home security system can sound an alarm and notify the police when an intruder enters your home.[7]
  3. Be prepared. If your ex-girlfriend has been threatening physical violence and you feel that she may attack you, it may be wise to carry a weapon to protect yourself. Pepper spray is a good non-lethal option to use on an attacker. You can buy pepper spray to keep on your keychain at most convenience stores. Keep your pepper spray within reach at all times, especially when you’re in a vulnerable position.
    • Some states do have restrictions on the container size and potency of pepper spray that civilians are allowed to carry.
    • Make sure to educate yourself about how to use your pepper spray effectively.
  4. Get a restraining order. A restraining order will legally require your ex to maintain a specified distance from you. To obtain a restraining order for your ex, you’ll have to have evidence of her harassment.[8] Make sure to bring your documentation of her behavior to the police station. Gather all the proof you can before trying to apply for a restraining order.
    • Your first restraining order will expire, but if you feel like your ex is still a threat to your safety, you can apply for a permanent order.
    • Some people may not follow a restraining order. Be sure to keep your guard up just in case.

Tips

  • If you think you’re dating someone who is obsessed with you, get out of the relationship immediately.
  • Keep good friends around to remind you of why you dumped your ex in the first place so you’re not tempted to go back.
  • Be detached. The more you fight against an obsessive person, the more obsessed they’ll become.

Warnings

  • Don’t fall for it. All their emotional outbursts are only meant to control you.
  • Completely cut obsessive people out of your life. Don’t visit them on holidays or any other special occasions.
  • Never meet an obsessive ex alone.
  • Never try to appease an obsessive person. They’ll view your submissiveness as weakness.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.thehopeline.com/when-an-ex-wont-leave-you-alone
  2. ↑ http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/bellas-chronicles/stalking-and-the-obsessive-ex--where-do-you-draw-the-line
  3. ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/when-an-ex-refuses-to-exit-how-to-deal-with-the-ex-in-denial/#.Vy-obcg8KnM
  4. ↑ http://www.relationshipexpert.co.uk/dealing-with-obsessive-ex-partners.html
  5. ↑ http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/what-stalkers-do-and-how-to-deal-with-stalking-behavior/
  6. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/54d_dating_advice.html
  7. ↑ http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-5-11/site/sc-cons-0510-karpspend-20120511_1_burglar-alarms-home-security-carbon-monoxide-alarms
  8. ↑ http://www.courts.ca.gov/1260.htm
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