Get Over a Crush

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When you have a crush on someone, you're giddy with hope for the future — and it's heartbreaking when you realize it won't work out. Maybe your crush is seeing someone else, or you just know that getting together is impossible. Letting go and moving on is a process, but you can do it if you're really determined to put your crush behind you and to move on, Especially if your best friend is dating him.

Steps

Accepting Your Feelings

  1. Find people who know what you're feeling. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the middle of a crush, but plenty of other people have been down this path before you. Finding out how they got through it can kick-start your own inspiration to move on.
    • Ask a friend or family member for help. Most people can sympathize with love on some level, and they might be able to tell you about their own experiences overcoming a crush. Even if they don't have personal experience with this problem, they can still give you some level-headed advice.
    • Keep your eyes peeled for examples. Once you start looking for it, you'll see countless examples of other people struggling. Books, movies, songs and even news stories often center on someone grappling with an impossible crush. Pay extra attention to the ones where someone gets over it, and note what you can learn.
  2. Admit you have a crush. Before you can get over a problem, you have to acknowledge that it exists. Allow yourself to say you have a crush, and to experience all the complicated emotions that go with it.
    • Consider writing down a few pages about how you feel. Taking some time to express your emotional turmoil can help you feel like you're putting it behind you. List the reasons why you developed feelings for the other person, and why it's not going to work. Write it in a private journal, or on a password-protected word processing document. Or, write it on a few loose pieces of paper and burn them later.
    • State your feelings out loud. You don't have to tell anyone else how you feel, but verbalizing your problem out loud — even if you're the only person in the room — can help it seem real and approachable. It can be as simple as saying "I have a crush on Steve, and I hate that I feel this way."
  3. Tell your crush. If you're certain they're mature and capable of understanding what you're going through, find a time when you can talk to them about it. One of the most difficult parts of getting over a crush is letting go of your hopes for romance. If your best friend is dating him, then you just need to back off. If you just give up, you'll likely be tormented by "What if" thoughts. Telling the person gives the small chance that maybe they really do like you back, but even in the eventuality that they don't, you finally can just move on to accepting that. You won't feel like you wasted a chance for happiness.
    • Don't be demanding or creepy, try to avoid talking about the physical side of your feelings, as that's not relevant to what you really want to know. Simply tell them how much you care about them, and that you just want to know if they feel the same. Make it clear you still want to be friends with them (although you may need time apart to get over your feelings), and that you want them to be honest.
    • Writing your crush a letter may be better for several reasons. It makes it easier for you to explain how you feel without getting stuck, and it also puts less pressure on them. Give your crush a letter explaining your feelings, and ask them to read it later when they're alone. Don't contact them for a day, just to allow them time to think about what you've told them. Try talking to them the next day when you have time alone. If they avoid you, understand they're probably just a little intimidated and confused, just give your crush space and try again in a while.
  4. Acknowledge defeat. Maybe the person you're crushing on is already in another relationship, or you're separated by thousands of miles of distance. Maybe the other person doesn't even know how you feel, and you're unable to say. Whatever the reason, accept that there's an obstacle in your path, and that you're choosing to walk away from it.
    • Don't confuse this with personal failure. The fact that you can't be with your crush has nothing to do with your inherent self-worth. Relationships don't work out for a multitude of reasons, and most of them are problems that can't be changed or improved. Some things are beyond your control.
    • Accept the things about yourself that prevented them from having feelings for you. Heartbreak typically begins with denial, try to skip that stage. Accept that perhaps you just weren't compatible. Be open to correcting flaws in yourself if you want to improve your chances next time, but make sure not to confuse flaws with differences. Bad hygiene is a flaw, and something you can fix. Liking a different kind of music, or being a more introverted person are not, and you shouldn't try to force yourself to change them. It may seem like you'd do anything to be with the person, but deep down, what you desire more than anything is for them to love you as you are. Even if changing for them possibly resulted in them falling in love with the new you, the relationship would likely quickly fall apart after the initial novelty.
    • Avoid becoming embarrassingly stubborn. It might go deeply against your grain to admit that you can't do something, and in most situations perseverance is an admirable trait. There are times, though, when perseverance morphs into desperation and stupidity. Chasing an impossible crush is one of those times. Let it go.

Distancing Yourself

  1. Separate yourself from your crush. If you can, try to give yourself some breathing room away from the object of your affection. A lot of crushes are born of proximity, or simply being around someone who happens to be remotely likable. If you're not around this person as often, the crush might peter out on its own.
    • If you're crushing on a close friend: Make yourself less available. If you want to try to preserve the friendship, aim to spend as little time as possible with the other person right now without hurting his or her feelings. Or, if you trust your friend to respond compassionately, explain your problem and state that you just need a little space right now.
    • If you're crushing on a mutual friend: If the friend of a friend is the problem, try to bow out of group social events gracefully. If you have to, explain the issue to your first friend so that he or she won't take it personally.
    • If you're crushing on someone at school: Take this opportunity to work harder on your studies, and distract yourself from your crush. Every time you're tempted to think about him or her, open a book or drill flashcards instead. Take different routes to class or sit elsewhere at lunch if you have to.
    • If you're crushing on a co-worker: Focus more on your work. For the time being, avoid group lunches, casual mid-day conversations, and events like happy hour.
    • If you're crushing on someone you can't physically avoid: Mentally distance yourself instead. Being in the same room as someone doesn't mean you have to think about them, too. Think about whatever task you're doing, or daydream about all the awesome things you'll do someday — without your crush.
  2. Meet some new people. If your crush is always hanging out in your current group of friends, try broadening your social horizons. Making new friends will distract you from your current misery, boost your confidence, and might even lead you to someone who's a better match for you. Here are some places to start:
    • Find people who share your hobbies. Love trivia? Swing by a few local pubs and ask about the next trivia night. Into writing? Look around online or inquire at local colleges to find a new critique group. Play sports? Search online for intramural leagues, or look up the local chapters of leagues like the World Adult Kickball Association. The possibilities are endless!
    • Get involved in service. Volunteer at a local shelter, or contact an organization that champions a cause you care about, like humane treatment of animals or environmental clean-up. Attend a few service events and strike up some conversations with like-minded helpers.
    • Take advantage of school or church groups. If you're already attending a school or church that offers extracurricular activities, get involved! Party-planning committees (like for Prom or church dances), choir, service groups, or sports leagues are all possibilities.
  3. Take care of yourself. Use this time to step back and re-evaluate ways you can improve your own life, instead of devoting all that mental capital to your crush. You'll find a few distracting tasks to take care of, and you'll be bettering your own situation at the same time.
    • Give yourself a mini-makeover (even if you're a guy!): Is your wardrobe feeling a little stale? Have you had the same hairstyle for too long? Pick up a few new, confidence-boosting pieces for your closet, or investigate a new haircut or color. If you're not sure how to navigate your options, ask a particularly stylish friend or family member for help.
    • Get organized. If it's been awhile since you've cleaned out your closet/car/garage/basement, get on it! Sorting through old junk can be a meditative process, and you'll probably feel relaxed and accomplished when you're done.
    • Work out. Exercise clears the mind — when you're so focused on pushing your body, you can't afford to worry about much else besides breathing and moving. Take up running, swimming, biking, or another activity that can both improve your body and de-junk your mind.
    • Practice positive self-talk. It sounds silly, but it really works. Look at yourself in the mirror a few times a day, and say whatever it is that you need to hear. It might be "You'll find someone better" or "No one is worth all this moping." Repeat it until you believe it.

Moving On for Good

  1. Be wary of relapsing. Getting over a crush is hard work, and if it took you several months to become infatuated, it might take long to dig yourself back out. Accept that it's a process, and plan ahead so you won't be derailed by a sudden relapse. Here's how to deal with one:
    • Realize that you don't see this person realistically. Limerence, or the overwhelming feeling of infatuation that you feel around your crush, can throw you out of logical thinking patterns and make you idealize your crush[1]. Repeat to yourself that no matter how you feel, no one is perfect, not even your crush, and recognize that you are intentionally overlooking his or her flaws.
    • Treat it like a substance addiction. You wouldn't point a recovering alcoholic toward a bar, so don't put yourself in situations where you're tempted to fuss over your crush. Steer clear of intimate situations and avoid frequent contact, even if it's over text or chat and not in-person.
    • Don't just transfer your feelings to a new target. Finding a new person to attach all your feelings to is another form of relapsing — you might not be crushing on the same person, but you're feeling the same emotions. Making someone your substitute isn't fair to them, because you're not seeing them for who they are, and it's not fair to you, because you're allowing yourself to fall back into the same cycle.
  2. Avoid becoming bitter. Demonizing your crush might help you get over it in a short-term way, but it's not a long-term solution. Here's the problem: thinking about how much you hate someone is still a way of obsessing over him or her, so you're functionally stuck at square one.
    • Don't make someone else responsible for your happiness. Sure, maybe your crush didn't respond to your affections like you had hoped. Maybe he or she even made it worse by teasing you or flirting incessantly, knowing full well how you felt. But whatever happened, the only person charged with making you happy is you. You're responsible for taking yourself out of a bad situation and moving forward, so don't hold your crush accountable for making you miserable.
    • Try to wish him or her all the best. If you truly care about someone, you want to see that person find happiness — even if it's not with you. Resist the urge to become angry or start making comparisons if your crush starts dating someone else. Try to cultivate a spirit of being happy when the people you like are happy.
  3. Make a list of bad things about your crush. This is quite tricky but very effective when done and understood in the right way. Your crush caught your eyes for all the good qualities you saw on him/her. Now you have to reverse it. You may think at first that your crush is "so perfect" but no, everyone has their share of flaws and that is what you have to keep in your mind. Time to stop dreaming.
    • Think deeply about your crush and find as many ugly characteristics as you can find. List it down on a piece of paper and read it repeatedly. When you see him around, do not look at the good. Remember everything you wrote and don't lose focus.

Tips

  • Remember that if your crush doesn't like you then it's his or her loss, and there's someone out there waiting for you who is actually worth it and likes you.
  • Have some self respect. Know that you're worth it and that just because this relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there for you.
  • Remember that a crush is just a short term thing. It's not like you're going to get married. In the future you'll find someone much better and more compatible; someone who cares for you more and shows affection. Who knows, what if your crush is actually a jerk and you weren't meant to be. So wait for someone better to come along.
  • Don't blame yourself on it not working out. If they don't see you in that way then its not your fault , its how they feel . Don't make yourself feel worthless because of the way they feel about you. Remember someone out there loves you for you.
  • Don't tell them you love them if you know for sure that they only want to be friends. Doing this could damage the friendship beyond repair.
  • If you've never talked to your crush, grab all the courage you have, and go for it. This may ease your feelings, as the way the person treats you will probably redefine the ways you feel. At least it will both give it a chance to work.
  • Don't ditch a friendship. If you've developed a major crush on a friend, try not to ruin a good friendship. Still be friends with them. Once you do get over them, you'll be glad you are still friends. Be thankful for the wonderful friendship you have instead of obsessing about what's not going to happen.
  • Give other guys a chance to date you. He's not the only guy in the world. But more importantly - live your life, don't let him take away all your happiness.
  • Try avoid seeing him a lot and keep your distance so you won't be in the same place you started.
  • Avoid getting into another serious relationship too soon. Date for fun, date someone you normally wouldn't have been interested in and have some fun as a single person. There may be people out there who want to be with you and that will help you move on and feel better about yourself.
  • Move on. Don't let yourself get stuck in the past. Seeing other people may help.
  • Know the difference between love and shallow infatuation ("crushing" on someone.) Sometimes, it's worth hanging on to a relationship or potential relationship, but you have to let yourself recognize when it's time to move on and pursue other relationships.
  • Don't talk about him even to your friends. If you talk about how much you like them, you might end up liking them more.
  • Tell yourself all the things you don't like about him/her.
  • Just forget and move on.
  • It hurts to learn that your crush doesn't like you back. This would be a good time to hang out with friends and family, who actually care about you to soften the blow a bit. Don't worry, you will eventually get over it!

Warnings

  • Don't punish yourself to try to numb the pain. You don't want to start overeating, drinking or hurting yourself just because your crush doesn't like you back.
  • Never drunk dial your crush. You'll only end up making the person uncomfortable and embarrassing yourself in the process.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-young-and-the-restless/201109/crazy-in-love-when-is-it-more-heartbreak
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