Hate a Person You Loved a Lot

When someone you love hurts you very badly, it can be difficult to get over it. It may feel like the best thing to do is turn your love into hate, but actually that will only make things harder for you, as hate isn’t the opposite of love — they’re both strong emotions that take up a lot of your energy. If you want to stop feeling the pain of losing someone you love (whether it be through a breakup, fight, death or something else), the best thing you can do is deal with your emotions and work on moving forward in life.

Steps

Getting Rid of Reminders

1. Delete the person’s contact info. If this person will no longer be part of your life, you should delete their contact information. This might help prevent you from calling, texting or emailing them.
   • You might remember their phone number or their email address, but removing them from your phone, computer, tablet, address book etc. can make it at least a little bit more difficult for you to quickly contact them.
   • For example, if you delete your ex’s contact information from your phone, it’ll be less tempting to just tap their name and send a text or give them a call — at the very least, it’ll make you think before you do so.
2. Block their phone number. If the person still calls or texts you, if you have a smart phone you can download an app that blocks their calls and texts so that you don’t receive notifications.
   • Doing this is particularly useful if you’re working hard to keep your mind off of them, as every time they call/text you’ll be reminded of them, and you may be tempted to respond.
3. Filter their email. If they often contact you via email, have their messages immediately directed into a separate folder instead of your inbox. You can do this by creating an email filter — directions on how to do this will differ depending on the provider.
4. Block the person on social media. If you’re struggling to get over someone, having them on your Facebook, Twitter etc. is a terrible idea. Instead of just deleting them, block them; this way, you won’t see anything that they post, and vice versa.
   • It may be tempting to see what the person is up to on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or some other social media site. Avoid the urge to check up on them, as this will only make it more difficult to get over them and move on with your own life.
5. Erase past communications. Delete old texts and other communications such as emails, FB messages, Whatsapp chats etc. You have better things to do with your time than pour over those old messages and feel upset.
6. Think carefully before erasing photographs. Before getting rid of photos, think about whether they depict a part of your life that you really want to forget forever.
   • As time goes on, you might look back on the relationship or at least the time period in your life fondly.
   • If there’s a chance you’ll regret getting rid of the photos, consider putting them in a box or on to a flash drive, and then giving them to a friend for safe-keeping until you’re feeling well enough to look at them again.
7. Place physical items in a box. Go around your room or house and remove anything that reminds you of the person. You may want to put those things in a box until you feel ready to deal with them.
   • You may want to donate or even burn those things at some point, but for now, just stow them away so that they’re not constant reminders of your loss.
   • If you do decide to burn things, ensure that you do so in a safe area where having a fire is legal — for example, an outdoor fire pit, not your bedroom floor.

Working Through Your Feelings

1. Know that you have control over your feelings. Studies have shown that we have a better chance of regulating our feelings when we view them scientifically, as controllable (albeit perhaps unexpected) points of data in the experiment of life.
   • If you received unexpected results in an experiment, you’d examine the experiment, see where it deviated, and look at the results in light of the deviation. You’d then come up with a plan for your next steps. It may feel sociopathic, but it really can help to approach your broken heart in this way.
   • It may not feel as though you have control over your feelings right now, but with some persistence, you can train your brain to respond in a controlled manner — for example, to view things calmly and objectively instead of taking them personally.
2. Accept your feelings. Losing someone you love can throw you through a tornado of emotions: shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, fear — even relief and happiness. You might even feel some of these at the same time.
   • Instead of fighting your feelings, try to accept them and allow them to just be. It can help to take a step back and try to observe your emotions, detach yourself from them. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is totally natural.
   • You might say to yourself, “I’m grieving the loss of this relationship, and these are the feelings involved with that.”
3. Record your feelings. You can do this by writing them down or even recording yourself speaking about them. The important thing is not to keep your feelings bottled up inside, as this can make it more difficult to move on.
   • Some experts recommend journalling every day. This can help you get in touch with your feelings and even figure out how to get over them.
   • If you’re out and you feel the need to vent, use a notepad or a note-taking app on your phone to jot down what you’re feeling.
   • Recording your feelings can be particularly useful when you want to communicate with the person you miss or are upset with. Instead of contacting them, write them a letter or record yourself saying what you'd like to say to them. Do not send them the message though. This is just to help you. You might even find it useful to destroy the letter/recording once it’s done.
4. Don’t beat yourself up. It takes 2 people to start a relationship, and 2 people to end it. This means you did not have complete control over the relationship, as you can only control yourself.
   • Don’t play the relationship over and over again in your head. Don’t dwell on what could have been done differently; it’s over now, and in any case it may have had little to do with you -- for example, you might have just wanted different things in life.
   • Instead of asking yourself “why me” or telling yourself “I’m worthless”, think about what you would have changed about how you behaved, and use that to grow and move on.
   • Rather than beating yourself up, work on taking care of yourself. You can start by feeling proud of yourself for having the maturity to want to grow from this experience.
5. Remember the bad things. When a relationship ends, many of us fixate on the good things and torture ourselves thinking about what we're missing out on. By reminding yourself of the bad things in your relationship, you can start to see the breakup as a positive thing.
   • In addition to the things you didn’t like about them and the relationship, think about whether the person brought out things in you that you didn’t like — for example, “When I was with you, I was flakey to my friends and always ditched them for you. I also didn’t pursue my own hobbies any more, and felt like I was just becoming a version of you.”
   • It can be helpful to make a list of all the bad things in the relationship; just make sure that you keep it in a safe space or destroy it. Don’t show it to anyone else — especially not the person you’re trying to get over. It’ll only cause drama and make it harder for you to move on.
6. Don’t hate the person. When someone does something hurtful to someone else, it often comes from a place of hurt within that person. That’s why it’s important to see them with compassion.
   • Instead of feeling hateful and angry toward them, try to feel sorry for them. They might be dealing with something on a conscious or even unconscious level that you know nothing about.
7. Talk about your feelings with people you trust. Studies have shown that people recover faster from trauma if they can talk about it. Whether it’s your friends and family, or people you’re close with online, reach out to people who you know will take your feelings seriously and help console you.
   • Don’t talk to people who will be dismissive of your feelings, as they will only make you feel worse.
   • If you’re really struggling with your feelings, you might even consider seeing a counsellor. A good counsellor will be able to give you practical advice for moving on.
   • While it’s healthy to talk about your feelings, you need to make sure that it’s not all you talk about, otherwise you’ll risk alienating the people closest to you. If you’re worried you may be talking about it too much, ask the person you’re talking to how they’re feeling. A good friend will let you know what’s up without getting upset at you.
8. Don’t dwell. Studies have shown that while it is necessary to let your feelings out, if you dwell excessively on them, you may suffer the same negative consequences as you would if you kept your feelings bottled up.
   • Studies have shown that focusing on yourself and not taking action to get out of your own head and lift your mood can land you in long-term depression.
9. Be patient with yourself. Healing from an ended relationship takes time; don't expect yourself to get over it right away. You may never fully stop loving this person, but with time, the love will fade.
   • It’s likely that one day you’ll look back and be able to smile at how intensely you thought you loved this person, when all they are to you now is a memory of a very different time in your life.
10. Stay positive. As you try to get over this person, you’ll have good days and bad ones. Being positive doesn’t mean ignoring your bad days; it means believing that the good ones will come again.
    • Some days you might even find it difficult to get out of bed. That’s okay. Have a positive attitude toward it. It can be helpful to even let yourself have a whole day in bed just reading or watching movies, or listening to sad music and crying your eyes out. Tell yourself, “Okay, I'll take this day to acknowledge my sadness, but tomorrow I’ll go for a run. I know I’m strong enough to get through this.”

Learning Mental Tricks for Letting Go

1. View your relationship as an experiment. Examine the data of your failed relationship. Where did it go wrong? Studies show that viewing your relationship scientifically can help you regain a better sense of self and heal more quickly after a breakup.
   • Try to take a step back and consider what the contributing factors might have been that could have caused the breakup. Just remember not to spend too much time on it — you are trying to learn a lesson and grow from it, not beat yourself up over where you went wrong.
   • This doesn’t necessarily mean thinking about where you went wrong. It might even be something simple like “We are actually very different people with different goals.”
   • You can have fun with this by spending a few hours on it and really treating it like an experiment, with charts and graphs.
2. Learn a lesson. It’s easier to accept our mistakes in life when we view them as opportunities to learn. Regarding the end of your relationship as an opportunity to learn might help you view it in a more positive light.
   • It’s common after a breakup to feel as though you’ve wasted your time. If you view the relationship as a learning experience, it’s not waste of time at all. Things that help you grow and learn are not a waste of time.
3. Untangle your concept of self from that other person. When you lose someone who you love, it can feel like you’ve lost half of yourself. It will help you move on to rebuild your sense of who you are, apart from the person you loved and lost.
   • A good writing exercise to build your concept of self is to simply label a page “Who am I?” or “What makes me, me?” and then note your responses.
4. Don’t forbid yourself from thinking about the person. Studies have shown that forbidding yourself from thinking about something will only make you think about it more.
   • Instead of telling yourself not to think bout the person you want to get over, when the thought comes into your mind, gently remind yourself that they’re no longer part of your life, and then put your attention back on something that benefits you.
5. Give yourself a set number of minutes each day to think about the person. When someone we love leaves us, our minds can become consumed with thoughts about them. Telling yourself not to think about the person doesn’t work, but telling yourself “not now, later” does.
   • Whenever a thought about the person comes into your head, push it away and tell yourself that you’ll return to the thought later when you’ve reached the time in the day that you are allowed to think about that person.
   • When the time comes, you can sit quietly and think about them all you want. Set a timer to make sure you don't go too long. You might try starting with two 10-minute periods a day — one in the morning and one in the evening.
   • Try not to make the person the last thing you think about every night. If possible, read an engaging book or do yoga before bed; thoughts of the person might still come into your mind, but you can tell them to go away until the next time you’ve set to think about them.
6. Visualize yourself letting go. Sit down somewhere comfortable and try to visualize a box in front of you. Put all of your memories into that box and then close the lid.
   • Hold the imaginary box in your hands and then blow it away. When the thoughts come back into your head later, tell yourself “No, those are gone now” and try to quickly think of something else.
7. Live in the moment. Each day, try to focus on the moment in which you're living. To dwell on the past or future might only make you long to be elsewhere in time. This isn’t useful, as the only time you have is right now.
   • It’s still important to have goals and work towards them, but you do not need to think about these goals all the time. If you do, you might be so focused on the future that you forget to do the things that must be done in the present in order to reach your goals!
   • You don’t want to look back on your life a year from now and realize that you've wasted the past year being depressed and doing nothing because of how sad you were about the loss of that relationship.
8. Smile. Studies have shown that the simple act of smiling, even if you’re feeling unhappy, can help you feel happier. Try it now — just let the corners of your mouth turn up, and hold it there for at least 30 seconds.
   • At the very least, you might get a small kick out of how insane you look, staring at your computer and smiling falsely in an attempt to bring on a real one.
   • If you’re really struggling to do this, try watching some stand-up comedy or something else that will bring a smile to your face, no matter how small it is.

Keeping Yourself Healthy

1. Get in your own way. Do things that will prevent you from giving in to the temptation to contact the person you’re trying to get over. This means making plans on nights when you know you’ll miss them most, and staying busy.
   • If you know that you’ll feel lonely on Friday night and want to call them, make plans for Friday night. Do this even if you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything. Make plans and try to live in the moment while you’re out with others.
2. Have fun with other people and by yourself. Socialize and take up new hobbies or revisit old ones. The key is to have fun without the person you loved, because as impossible as it may seem, you are capable of doing so.
   • You must do things to lift your mood, otherwise you’ll just dwell on your situation and become depressed.
   • Examples of hobbies: music, art, sports, dance, movies, video games, reading, cooking, attending plays or local festivals, checking out museums etc.
3. Get a new addiction. Experts say that the best way to kick an old habit is to adopt a new one. Start a new hobby or rediscover your love for an old one.
   • When you begin to feel sad and like something’s missing, direct your energy toward your new habit instead of thinking about your lost love.
   • Note that this does not mean you should start seeing someone new or otherwise try to replace the person you loved with a new person. That would be an unhealthy thing to do.
4. Figure out who you are. It can be hard to move on from a relationship when you feel like part of you is missing. Rebuild your concept of who you are without that person.
   • A good way to do this is to spend some time alone and explore your hobbies, feelings etc. This might not be possible for the first few weeks or months. You’ll know you’re ready when you’re not thinking of that person every single waking second of the day.
5. Take care of yourself. When you’re dealing with grief it’s more important than ever to take good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Do things that make you feel good on the inside and outside.
   • Eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and exercise, meditate — you might even buy yourself a new outfit or get a nice haircut.
   • Experts say that stress is the primary trigger for indulging in addictions, and this includes exes. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired or otherwise stressed out, you’ll have more difficulty resisting the temptation to connect with the person you’re trying to get over.
   • Studies show that nurturing the parts of yourself that you neglected during a relationship can help you move on.
6. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms. Think about what unhealthy behaviours you turn to when you’re feeling upset or stressed, and try to avoid these. Common unhealthy coping behaviours include the following:
   • Drinking, using drugs, eating too much or too little, isolating yourself from loved ones, engaging in aggressive or violent behaviour, spending too much time on the Internet, or pretty much any other excessive behaviour (gaming, shopping, watching pornography, exercising etc.).
   • For example, if you know that you tend to binge eat, counter this by going for a walk or a run, or doing something with your hands such as drawing or crafts.
7. Don’t try to get revenge. It’s common to desire justice when you feel you’ve been wronged; however, studies have shown that far from making people feel better, revenge actually increases stress and impairs health.
   • Some studies have shown that taking revenge can actually force you to play the situation over and over again in your head, whereas not getting revenge helps make the situation seem less significant, making it easier to forget.
8. Know your worth. You are not a worthless person. That person you loved did not throw you away; things just didn’t work out. It’s not being conceited to know that you’re a worthy person (that is, as long as you don’t think you’re more worthy than others).
   • If you struggle to see your worth, sit down and write a list of things you like about yourself. It might only be one thing the first day, and even that might be a struggle, but if you do it every day, maybe within a week you’ll be able to come up with five good things about yourself — maybe after a few months you’ll be able to fill a page.

Moving Forward

1. Know that you’re in control of your life. You are responsible for your own happiness and your own life choices. No one else is. If you don’t do things to lift your mood and change your life, you will stay sad and could even enter a depression.
   • If you’ve been hurt by someone, don't let them hurt you any more than they already have by sinking into a depression that may stall your life.
2. Set goals. Having meaningful goals to work toward will give you a compelling reason to stop dwelling on the person you lost and start working to make your life better.
   • For example, if you’re about to go from high school to college, challenge yourself to get the best marks possible and to get into a college program that you will love.
   • If you’re unsure of what you want to do next in life, take time to explore your options. If you’re in school, see a career counsellor. If you’re not, try asking some close friends and family about your strengths, and what they think you’d be good at.
3. Know that you’ll meet someone else. It may not feel like it right now, but you’ll meet someone else who works even better with you. When you meet them, you’ll be grateful that things didn’t work out with the person you’re trying to get over right now.
   • The more you grow, the more you know what works, and this will help you find someone who better suits you.
4. Know when you’re ready to start a new relationship. There is no set time for how long it takes to get over someone. It varies by person and relationship — some people may only need a couple of months, while others will need years.
   • If you’re still thinking about your ex regularly, you will not be able to devote the necessary attention to a healthy new relationship.
   • It’s important to feel confident in yourself before starting a new relationship. If you’re scared to be alone, this is not the time to start something new.

Tips

• If you’re really struggling to find strength, try aligning yourself with a role model — for example, a celebrity you admire who overcame personal struggles, or even a character in a book or film whose strength you admire.
• Avoid the temptation to try to replace your old relationship with a new one right away. It’s important to give yourself time to feel your emotions, think about them, learn from them, and even grieve the loss of your relationship. It’s also not fair to the new person if you’re still hung up on someone else.
• Reading can be a great escape from reality, and might even teach you things or inspire you to write your own stories. Becoming part of someone else’s story — their hopes and sorrows — can help you escape your own problems, and might even shed light on them.
• Travelling is a great way to get over the person you used to love. The distance can make you feel more free, and although it can be lonely, you’ll get through it and feel more confident in yourself for having done something in a new place all on your own.

Warnings

• If you feel like life isn’t worth living or you feel that if you can’t have that person, no one can, you need to seek medical attention. It is devastating to lose someone you love, but people are able to move on and grow from even the hardest experiences. Don’t end your life or anyone else’s.
• If you believe that you may be depressed, consider seeing a doctor or a counsellor. Being sad is normal, but weeks or months of being unable to get out of bed is not healthy, and you should seek help.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Balance Others' Feelings with Your Own
• Support Someone Whose Child Is Hospitalized
• Stop Bad Examples from Hurting Your Relationship
• Talk About Daily Stress with Your Partner
• Give a Guy Space
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Know when Someone Likes You
• Understand What a Relationship Means
• Get Someone to Like You
• Impress Your Friends

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