Have a Romantic Relationship With an Egotistic Person

An egotistic person can be someone who is prone to talking about themselves frequently, or someone who appears vain or boastful. It can also be used to indicate someone who is opinionated, self-centered, or selfish, as well. As you can imagine, being in a relationship with an egotistic person can have its challenges. If you feel you are dating an egotistic individual, work towards dealing with the egotism in the relationship. It is also important to communicate your needs to your partner, and make sure you are taking care of yourself

Steps

Dealing With the Egotism in The Relationship

1. Have a direct conversation about it. This is important and has a direct effect on your happiness, their happiness, and the success of the relationship. Don't waste time and energy trying indirect ways to “make her change.” It will just come across as manipulative and potentially cause resentment from your partner. Instead have a real, honest, and direct conversation about it.
   • Start by letting her know you need to talk. ”Alice, I think we really need to talk. There's been something that has really be bothering me.”
   • Explain what the issue is for you; specific to your relationship. For example, if your partner is selfish or egotistical in conversations and making it about her, you could say, “I feel like when we talk, it isn't really equal. I love hearing about your day, but I'd really like for you to hear about my day too. When we talk, it feels really unevenly focused.”
   • Ask for her input: “What do you think?”
2. Urge the person to grow and mature. One of the great things you get to do in a relationship is to build each other up and watch each other grow. Help your partner grow by growing with him. Instead of focusing just on the person, try shift the focus to the relationship or the both of you working on the same thing.
   • You can try tasks like taking a relationship selfishness checklist test to increase your partner and your awareness of any selfishness in your relationship.
   • Humans are social creatures and tend to unconsciously adopt the goals of those close to us. Just like couples who learn a sport, how to cook, or a new language together, you can learn how to be less selfish and opinionated together.
   • Make sure to celebrate and praise each other for positive changes you are making. The better you both feel about it, the more likely you are to continue to work towards the goal.
3. Be patient. This may be the most difficult part. If you are with an egotistic person, you may realize that changing these parts of yourself can take time. Much like breaking a bad habit, you may have to be patient with your partner as she works on changing. Additionally, expect some backsliding into previous bad behaviors during this transition time and try not to be too hard on her.
   • One way you can address this is to have a funny thing you do or say if you notice your partner slipping back into her selfish habits. Agree to an action or a phrase during your conversation. If you make it something you both find funny, it can take the pressure off of pointing it out.
     • The "Cut it out" hand motion Uncle Joey used in Full House.
     • Playing a funny song such as Toby Keith's "I wanna talk about me."
     • Saying, "Hold on, I haven't had enough coffee for this conversation yet."
     • Pick something that is funny to you and your partner, like an inside joke that only you share.
4. Boost the person's self-esteem. This may seem like a strange suggestion for an egotist, but often inflated egos and selfishness are rooted in low self-esteem or shame. Think of it as overcompensation. Your partner may have low self esteem causing him to exaggerate and inflate his outward display of what he thinks about himself. It turns out that he may be trying to convince himself of his greatness along with everyone else. Help him boost his self-esteem.
   • Avoid complaining about him or harshly criticizing him as it will only make him feel more threatened.
   • When you are talking to him focus on his strengths and try to draw on the potential of those strengths.
   • Compliment him not just for his looks, but for how he acts and what he does.
5. Accept that the person may never change. The most difficult part about any interpersonal relationship is when you realize that you have almost zero power to change someone else. People can change, but that change has to come mainly from them. They have to want it. So if you are intent on a relationship with an egotistic person, your first step is to be real with yourself about the likelihood of the other person changing and begin to accept the selfish parts of her personality that you may not agree with.
   • While you cannot change other people, you can help them to change. You can also control how you react to their egotism and the effect you let it have on your life.

Communicating Your Needs

1. Make time to talk about you. Your egotist may tend to talk about themselves frequently and at great lengths. If you feel like your partner does not give you enough space to talk about you, address it. You deserve to have this relationship and this partner be as much of a sounding board as he expects you to be for him. Try addressing it directly, or making it more of a new pattern in your conversations.
   • "John, I really need to talk to you about something that is bothering me. I know you have things you want to say as well, but I really need someone to listen. Would you be willing to focus on just this problem and help me?”
   • Bring up topics more regularly that you are interested it. You may have gotten into the habit of just listening to your partner and letting him control the conversations. Start a new pattern of conversation by interjecting with topics you are interested in or thoughts you are having.
2. Share your feelings. There is a solid chance that your egotistic partner is going to do or say something that makes you angry or sad at some point, because what you are doing is difficult and can be frustrating. Communication is key in any relationship, especially when you are working through some things. If you are really bothered by a particular action of your partner or by something she said, tell her. Try to add a compliment or a praise in and then tell her what upsets you, carefully and tactfully.
   • "Jane, I love it when you teach me how to cook. You are really good at it, and I want to learn. It just really hurts me when you tell it to me like I'm a nine year old kid."
   • ”I understand you have a very strong opinion about this. Maybe you know more about it than I do, too. I would just really like for you to respect my opinion even if it is different than yours and not laugh at me for sharing it with you.”

Caring For Yourself

1. Be true to yourself. Be careful not to change who you are in your relationship with an egotist. A selfish person will bring out the giver or the care-taker in you; which could be potentially harmful. Don't feel like you have to change yourself to accommodate him. Resist the urge to stifle who you are or even what you are good at out of fear of how your partner will react.
   • Just as you may have to accept that your partner is selfish, he have to accept that you are going to be just who you are as well. That should just be one more thing he loves about you.
2. Enjoy other interests. If you find you are the giver in the relationship and you feel that your partner is always taking, then invest some of your energy into other interests to protect yourself from the relationship imbalance. Make sure you are giving yourself and your interests the attention and care you deserve.
   • Take classes or carve out time in your schedule to do things that you enjoy, focusing on self-care and your own needs.
   • You can always put your giving energy into volunteering as well. Try organizations such as Volunteer Match or Volunteer Finder.
3. Acknowledge your feelings. Even if your partner is trying to change, there are potential pitfalls that come from being in a relationship with an egotist. You may be helping her change, being patient while she works through some things, and trying to boost her self-esteem. Make sure, during this time, you are staying aware of how you feel. There may be some ups and down, and it is important you remain aware of how it is affecting you.
   • Keep track of how happy you are in the relationship and how your day-to-day life is being affected.
   • Notice how drained or exhausted you are feeling and make sure to give yourself the time and attention needed to recover.
   • Try not to let this relationship become all-consuming for your life. Spend time with friends, or work on a hobby or interest that is important to you.
   • Set firm boundaries if she tries to push your buttons or engage you in a fight. You can say something like, "I'm not going to respond when you're yelling at me like this. I'm going to go in the other room and we can talk again in an hour when we've calmed down."
4. Find a support system. While you are navigating this change together, it is important that you both have support systems you can use as a resource. Use your existing support system or create one for yourself. Focus on people that help you and make you feel good about yourself. They should be people that you trust and feel comfortable with. They may include:
   • Friends
   • Family
   • Religious Community
   • Counselors or therapists
5. Consider leaving the relationship if it is not making you happy. It is not always a healthy idea to stay with an egotist. He may not be able or willing to change in the way you need him to. If he is not willing to work on the relationship then this may continue to make you feel emotionally drained and unappreciated. It may be better for you to leave the relationship and move onto something that's healthier for you.

Related Articles

• Deal With Egomaniacs
• Have a Healthy Relationship
• Stop Being Selfish
• Deal With a Self-Centered Friend

Sources and Citations

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