Help Your Parents to Forgive You

It's inevitable that you will hurt others on occasion, usually not intentionally. These transgressions can result in significant guilt and shame, especially when you've hurt people you really care about, like your parents. Your guilt and shame and your parents' anger and disappointment can seriously strain your relationship. Helping your parents to forgive you will improve your relationship and reduce negative feelings experienced by you and your parents.[1]

Steps

Communicating Effectively

  1. Listen more than you talk. Your parents will be able to forgive you more easily if they feel heard and understood. Shutting up and listening can stop arguments and reduce emotional intensity.[2]
    • Staring blankly at your parents as they speak will likely upset them. You should nod and display appropriate expressions, so they know you are listening, and not tuning them out.
    • Ask questions to clarify and check your understanding. This will demonstrate that you are processing what they are telling you. For example, you could say something like, "I'm hearing you say that you're angry that I stayed out past curfew without clearing it with you. Is that right?"
  2. Communicate whole messages. When it is time for you to talk, use the whole message formula to avoid misunderstandings. Start your statement with an observation of facts. This is usually a description of a behavior. Then explain what you interpret that behavior to mean and how that makes you feel. You should finish with what you would like to happen to focus the discussion on resolution.[3]
    • For example, "I ditched school to hang out with friends. I knew it was wrong, but I was thought it would make me seem cool. I was afraid I would be teased and embarrassed if I didn't go with everyone else. I would like some help coming up with good ways to resist peer pressure to better handle this kind of situation in the future."
  3. Be mindful of your tone. Your feelings about what your parents or the situation may affect your communication. The same sentence said in different tones can mean wildly different things. Feelings of frustration may result in a sarcastic tone or shouting before you even realize it.[4] Try to remain objective and focus on communicating your message rather than your emotion.
    • If your parents do comment about your tone, apologize and explain your experiencing frustration trying to clearly communicate your message.

Acknowledging your Mistakes

  1. Admit your wrongdoing. You may not believe your behavior was completely in the wrong, so instead of looking at the situation as a whole, focus on specific aspects. You may not have done everything wrong, but it isn't likely you did everything right. Find areas of improvement and own them. Your parents will appreciate your ability to admit you were wrong as a sign of maturity. This will help them forgive you more quickly.
    • Do not argue fault or try to deny wrongdoing. Your parents may see this as immature and take even longer to forgive you.
  2. Apologize to your parents and others you may have hurt. Showing remorse is important to help anyone forgive. When giving an apology, acknowledge the hurtful behavior, why it was wrong and how it affected others.[5] This will demonstrate you understand what you did wrong and validate your parents' feelings.
    • Try structuring the apology stating the effects of your behavior first. This will show others you are most remorseful about hurting them. For example, "I'm sorry worried and disappointed you by sneaking out. My behavior was irresponsible and inconsiderate; I assure you it won't happen again."
    • Always be sincere when apologizing. Insincere apologies will probably be interpreted as sarcasm and make the situation worse.
    • If you struggle with personal apologies, try writing it in a letter.
  3. Make amends wherever possible. Make a genuine effort to compensate the offended parties. Depending on what happened, this may not be possible, but a good faith attempt is usually enough to buy considerable goodwill with parents.
    • You might consider working off debt or providing physical labor to help restore damaged property.

Planning to Behave More Responsibly

  1. Identify ways to respond more appropriately in future situations. Parents may have a hard time forgiving because they are concerned you may make the same mistakes again. Demonstrating that you learned from your mistakes and developed ways of avoiding repeating them will help your parents to let go of the past.
    • If you are struggling to identify more appropriate responses, ask your parents to help you. They will appreciate that you are making the effort to improve, and it's another opportunity to make them feel heard.
  2. Get involved in activities that are incompatible with the behavior your parents are upset about. Show them you are responsible by studying to earn good grades or getting a job. Remind them how great you are by taking on a leadership role at school or in the community. Involve yourself in activities they would be proud to tell others about and reduce their concern about how you're spending your time. Parents forgive more quickly when they can focus on your new achievements, rather than past failures.
    • Consider volunteering to serve others in your community to really make them proud. You can find lots of volunteer opportunities online.[6]
  3. Talk to your parents about your future goals. Help them forgive you by distracting them from your past behavior and focusing on future possibilities. Set goals for 6 months, 2 years, and 5 years from now, with action plans to achieve them.
    • Your 6 month goals should be reasonable. Set goals for improving grades, saving money, and/or improving you physical and mental health.
    • Your 2 and 5 year goals should be complex but attainable, a good example might be to graduate college.

Tips

  • Remember your parents love you and always will, but they also have emotions.

Warnings

  • Avoid arguing about fault, as it may make apologies and plans for change seem insincere.
  • Aggression and violence are not acceptable, no matter how angry you may be.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
  2. ↑ https://ccr.byu.edu/content/listening-tool-resolving-conflict
  3. ↑ http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/effective-communication
  4. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/nonverbal-communication.htm
  5. ↑ http://www.umass.edu/fambiz/articles/resolving_conflict/meaningful_apology.html
  6. ↑ http://www.volunteermatch.org
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