Ignore Your Feelings for Someone That Doesn't Feel the Same

If you have romantic feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same, most people would suggest cutting that person out of your life. But sometimes it's not so easy. Maybe you work together, or you're in the same classes, or you're part of the same friend group. How do you put aside your feelings?

Steps

Acknowledging Your Feelings

  1. Allow yourself to feel upset. While you may be tempted to push your feelings down and pretend they don't exist, this is only a temporary solution. Feelings don't just "go away" if you ignore them--they come out in other, usually destructive ways.[1] Give yourself the time and space to express your sadness.
    • Cry, punch a pillow, sit in your car and scream if you think it will release some of the negativity.[1]
    • Try not to turn to alcohol or other substances to cope with your feelings. This may work temporarily, but it may only make things worse in the long-run.
    • Be careful that you don't get caught up in your sadness. At a certain point, you will have to start making moves to heal. If it's been weeks and you've stopped taking care of yourself (not showering, crying all the time, refusing to see friends), then it's time to focus on feeling better.
  2. Know that you can't force the person to return your feelings. Even if you think it's clear you are meant to be, the hard truth is that she doesn't feel the same. You can't control how someone else feels or chooses to do with her life.[2] You may be tempted to try and change her mind--with passionate pleas, gifts, or even yelling--but you can't make someone feel something she doesn't feel.[2]
    • Keep in mind, this person is probably not trying to hurt you. She can't make herself have feelings for you, either.[2]
  3. Give yourself as much space as possible. If you can, take a break from this person for a while. You don't have to be mean or cut him out completely, but some distance is necessary for you to put these feelings to rest.[3] If this person is part of your daily life (like a coworker or classmate), do everything you can to minimize your contact with him. Don't sit next him at lunch, don't walk him to class.
    • This means minimizing your contact online, too. If you can unfollow, unfriend, or at least hide this person from your social media, do so. Checking on his Facebook/Instagram/Twitter will just keep the feelings alive.
    • If the person knows you have feelings for him, tell him you need some space. Ask that he respect that space so you can heal.
    • Staying away from someone you really like can be hard, but it's an important part of putting a stop to these feelings.
  4. Think about the ways this person isn’t right for you. Make a list of her negative characteristics and all the ways she’s not right for you. The very first item on that list? They don’t reciprocate your romantic feelings. For a relationship to work, both people have to be invested.[3] You deserve someone who really wants to be with you, not someone who feels so-so or is not really interested.
    • Put whatever you want on the list, since it’s just for you. Maybe she smacks her food when she eats, and that would have really bothered you after a while. Or maybe she would flake out on your plans all the time and cause you a lot of pain. Write it down!
    • Studies show that recognizing someone’s lesser qualities can help you get over rejection faster.[3]
  5. Don’t take it personally. Rejection, especially romantic rejection, seems like the most personal thing in the world. But much of the time, rejection has more to do with the person rejecting you and his issues, than you yourself.[4]
    • Don’t think that because this person doesn’t like you, no one ever will.[4]
    • Remember that everyone is rejected at some point in their lives. This is a universal experience, and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself because someone didn't like you back.

Staying Busy

  1. Reconnect with acquaintances or make new friends. If this person is part of your main crew or is someone with whom you’ve been very close, it’s time to expand your circle or friends. Call up someone you haven’t seen in a while and ask if she wants to hang out. Or chat with that guy you’re sort-of friends with in science class and see if he wants to catch a movie sometime.
    • Focusing on this one person you have feelings for can narrow your scope: it can seem like no one else exists or can make you happy. Meeting new people reminds you this is not true.
    • Don't isolate. You may feel like you just want to be left alone, and that's okay sometimes. But spending time with other people will speed up the healing process and distract you.
  2. Enrich your life with new activities and hobbies. Keeping busy is an important step toward redirecting your focus and not thinking about your feelings for this person. Don't give yourself time to think about it.[3]
    • Volunteer or get involved in a cause you are passionate about.
    • Go to the movies, listen to up-beat music, read a good book, exercise, or dance.
    • Start a new creative project, like writing a story, song, or poem; draw or paint a picture; learn a dance.
    • Concentrate on your studies or work.
  3. Make sure you’re having fun. Laughter releases endorphins, which make you feel good and happy. Spend time with people who make you laugh, doing things you love. Go to a karaoke lounge and laugh at each other as you try to belt out pop hits. Go to an amusement park or play a sport that you love--exercise increases endorphins, too.[5]
    • Watch a comedy, funny videos online, or even just search for funny animated gifs.
    • Laughter increases pain resistance. When you experience emotional pain, it activates the same areas of your brain as physical pain.[5] Laughing will relieve your heartache.
  4. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Your self-esteem can take a major hit after rejection, and it's common to only focus on your perceived faults. He didn't like you because you are this or because you aren't that... this only worsens the pain.[6] Focus on your positive traits, writing down your achievements, good things you've done, and things you really like about yourself.
    • Ask your friends and family for help if you are having trouble with your list.
    • Are you generous and thoughtful? A good listener? Dependable? Write it down.
    • Re-read your list often, especially when you're feeling down.

Moving On

  1. Give it time. Your feelings won't go away instantly. There will be bad days, when you feel low, and there will be days when you feel more hopeful. But, as cliché as it sounds, time heals. The intense, painful feelings you feel will become dull, and eventually fade.[3]
    • If it has been months and months and you feel no change, you may need a little extra help.
  2. Talk to someone if you can't let go. If you have tried to move on or ignore your feelings and nothing has changed, you may need to talk to someone. Reach out to a mental health professional or a trusted friend and ask for support. A therapist may be able to give you more coping strategies to deal with your feelings.
  3. Find someone new. When you feel ready, you can start looking for someone who is more compatible and returns your feelings. You don't need to rush into anything right away--rebounding is not always a good idea, and can cause someone else pain if you're not up-front about it. Look at your list of positive traits and remind yourself that you're an amazing human being and you deserve love just as anyone else!
    • When you feel better, you won't feel anxiety or longing when you hear her name.[7]
    • You will think about him less and less.[7]
    • You will start to truly see and understand that she was not the right person for you.

Tips

  • Watching a comedy with friends will make you feel better about yourself.
  • Perhaps if you are finding it too hard to suppress your feelings you should talk to someone about it (someone you trust).
  • Don't listen to love songs, they will just bring back your feelings.
  • Don't comfort eat! It won't do you any good in the long run!
  • Watch a favorite or a cheesy movie.

Warnings

  • Don't expect results right away.
  • Don't test yourself by questioning if you did something wrong.
  • Don't block out your feelings, accept them.
  • Delete the person from your contacts.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/ignoring-feelings-unhealthy-coping-mechanism-154343.htm
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pleasures-sex/200911/unrequited-love-and-lust-when-the-one-you-want-doesn-t-want-you-back
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 http://io9.com/5983273/how-to-fall-out-of-love-with-somebody
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201308/how-cope-rejection
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html?_r=0
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a2375/getting-over-it-ex-boyfriend/

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