Tell if Your Best Friend Is a Lesbian

In almost all cases, a person’s sexuality is strictly her own business. Attempting to "figure her out" just to satisfy your curiosity is unethical, and could even put your friend at risk of homophobic harassment. However, if your friend is crushing on you or vice versa, you may need to address it. Instead of trying to settle the question of your friend's identity, figure out what your goal is. Are you trying to defuse the situation and just be friends? Or are you trying to turn the friendship into something more? Whichever side of this you're coming from, it takes a careful approach to avoid damaging the friendship.

Steps

Defusing a Possible Crush

  1. Respect your friend's right to privacy. Your best friend's sexuality is her own business. If she might have a crush on you, however, you can help defuse this and save the friendship. If that's your goal, reframe your thinking. You don't need your friend to confess; you just need to return to an uncomplicated friendship.
    • Never tell someone else you think your friend is a lesbian. No matter how progressive your school or town is, someone could bully or harass your friend because of that rumor (even if it is not true).
  2. Look for signs. You do not have to be 100% certain before you do something. You will probably continue to suspect something or second-guess your friend until you clear the air. However, if you are hesitating or doubting yourself, you can check for the following signs of a possible attraction:
    • Physical touch is common in female friendships, but only to a point. If your friend holds your hand on the street, gives you massages, or hugs you for an unusually long time, she might have a crush on you. (The boundaries are different in each culture, so these examples don't apply everywhere.)
    • She contacts you constantly, and gets upset if you take too long to respond.
    • She gets upset if you spend time with other friends instead of her.
  3. Let her down gently. There are ways to defuse the situation without prying into your friend's personal life. During a private conversation, make it clear that you are not interested without putting your friend on the spot. Here are a few hints you could drop (but only use them if they're true):
    • "I really want to keep you as a best friend. Can we stay that way?"
    • "I want to find a guy to date."
    • "I would like us to spend more time with the rest of our friends, instead of one-on-one. Are you all right with that?"
  4. Clear up mixed signals. If you have cuddled, kissed, or done anything else with your best friend that could lead her on, stop and think about why you did it. If you are definitely not interested in dating your friend, this behavior can lead to heartache. Set new boundaries for your relationship, even if she tries to argue with you.
    • Say "I think we should stop (cuddling/having sleepovers/etc.). I don't want to send you the wrong signal."
  5. Tell-Your-Lesbian-Friend-That-You-Are-Straight-and-Not-Interested-in-Her. If your friend doesn't react well to the changes in your relationship, you need to bring up the elephant in the room. For example, if your friend acts jealous of your dates or other friends, or if she gets upset every time you don't hang out with her, she may have a crush on you. At this point, a private, heart-to-heart talk might be the only way to move forward.
    • Ask your friend if she has feelings for you. Don't force her to respond or argue with her reply.
    • Whatever her response, let her know you do not have romantic feelings for her.
    • If you're straight, you can tell her that. If you're lesbian, or not sure, it's best not to share that in the same conversation.
    • If she is angry or scared that you brought up her sexuality, use a de-escalating phrase like “We don’t have to talk about it,” or “Don’t worry, it’s your business, I just wanted to get this out there.” Just make sure you still include the important part: that you do not have feelings for her.
  6. Spend some time apart. If it turns out your friend was interested in you, she's at least a little heartbroken right now. Suggest that you stop hanging out temporarily while the two of you work through this. Try not to contact each other for at least two weeks. When you both feel ready, ease back into the friendship with short, low-pressure meetups, like a half hour lunch in a public place. Make it clear that you are still her friend, and you want the friendship to continue.
    • If your friend is questioning her sexuality, this could be a very difficult time for her. Tell her there are LGBT resources and hotlines she can find online to help her. (Or if she was clearly crushing on you but didn't come out, tell her there are resources "for what she is going through.")
  7. Use compassion. Mental and physical health outcomes for non-heteronormative people improve with a stronger, accepting support network.[1] Just as your friend respects your sexual identity, you should respect hers. If she is your best friend, and you are able to put any attraction (if it exists) behind you, your friendship does not need to change. Support her, Be a Heterosexual Ally of the LGBT Community, and value her as a human being.
    • If your friend is dealing with negativity toward her identity, it is still possible to support her. Introducing her to other lesbians, requesting she seek the help of a therapist, encouraging a positive self-concept, and encouraging her to embrace her sexuality as part of her identity can all help produce positive outcomes [2]

Figuring Out Your Own Crush on a Friend

  1. Determine your goal. If you are a woman and you have a crush on your female best friend, it's natural to wonder if you have a chance. Before you start with the leading questions, though, ask yourself what your goal is:
    • Attraction often gets in the way of friendship, and it won't go away if you find out your friend is straight. Sometimes bringing it into the open is what you need to do, regardless of how your friend feels.
    • On the other hand, if the feelings are not mutual (and they usually aren't), the friendship could end. If this would devastate you, and you don't have a support network to help you out (especially if you are in the closet), it might not be a good idea to continue. Spend at least a couple weeks apart from your friend instead to try and cool down and pick up the friendship at a less intense level.
    • If you are Know-if-You-Are-Gay, or you are straight but have a crush on your friend, focus on yourself instead of her. Look for LGBT resources online or at an LGBT community center to help you figure out your identity.
  2. Acknowledge signs of your friend's sexuality. Wishful thinking can always cloud your judgement when romance is involved. If your friend has dated men in the past or told you about her crush on a guy, it's very likely that she's straight.
    • There are no obvious signals that mean someone is a lesbian, especially if she is in the closet. Trying to analyze your friend this way is nearly impossible, especially when attraction is clouding your judgement.
    • If your friend is attracted to you, she may initiate prolonged physical contact (long hugs, for example) or ask to see you constantly. Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell this apart from close female friendships, especially if she is responding to your own desire for close contact.
  3. Talk to a confidante. If at all possible, talk to a trusted friend about the situation (preferably someone you can Come-Out to or have already). He or she will have a less biased perspective on whether your friend is interested in you, and can talk you through your feelings. Continue only if you have decided that this is important enough to risk the friendship.
  4. Explore her comfort level with LGBTQ topics. Before you tell your friend the whole story, get an idea of her views on lesbian and gay relationships. How does she react to fictional and real-life homosexual couples? Does she support gay rights? If she seems accepting, this doesn't mean she's lesbian — but it does make it easier to take the next step. If she reacts to the topic with revulsion, it is not wise to continue the conversation.
    • One way to bring this up is to mention that you're thinking of attending a Gay Straight Alliance event, which only "outs" you as a straight ally.
    • Some people raised in homophobic environments express negative views on homosexuality even though they seem attracted to the same sex. If your friend seems defensive on the topic or is sending mixed signals, she may need more time to work out her sexuality. This is not something you can do for her.
  5. Come-Out. If you are comfortable with your sexual and gender identity, and your friend is an LGBT ally (or at least not in opposition to them), the next step is telling your friend that you are not straight.
  6. Mention your feelings briefly. This is the make-or-break moment, and sad though it is, the response is rarely the one you want. But if you can't move on without getting it off your chest, don't pour out your whole soul to your friend. Let her know what's been going on, but do it in a way that doesn't put too much pressure on her or the friendship. This is very personal to your friendship and the conversations you've had together, but here are some examples to start with:
    • "I think you're attractive, but staying friends is the most important thing for me."
    • "I've been having feelings for you. I just need a little time apart to clear my head."
    • (jokingly) "I wish I could find a girlfriend as nice as you!"
  7. Leave the ball in her court. Now your friend knows what you needed her to know. She still might not be ready to talk about her own sexuality or how she feels about your crush. Asking her directly is unlikely to help: if she felt the same way, she would say so. End the conversation and give her time to process what she's heard. The two of you may need to spend some time apart to cool the air.

Tips

  • If your friend comes out to you, you can be supportive without massive changes in your friendship. Her identity does not impact your identity, nor does it turn you and your peer group into activists for queer causes. You can voice support with simple affirmations like “I think you two are a great couple,” “You seem so much happier lately,” or “I’ve never seen you so comfortable with yourself.”
  • Remember that sexual orientation is a part of self-identity. Your friend does not desire to alter her orientation any more than you do. If she tells you her sexual orientation, do not doubt or question her, but respect how she would like to be identified. Positive reactions are more likely to help her sense of well-being and personal growth.[3]
  • If she is homosexual, don't assume she's automatically attracted every woman. It is deeply silly to think that she would be attracted to every woman; she has preferences like anyone else. Do not start acting awkward over something that is ultimately not your business, as it could jeopardize the friendship.
  • Avoid hate speech and offensive language. It is fairly simple to refer to her sexuality straightforwardly and without offending her. The term "lesbian" is a good inoffensive option.

Warnings

  • Do not attempt to question or alter your friend's orientation. "Conversion therapy" does not work and can cause serious mental harm, including higher risk of suicide.[4] Non-heterosexuals are not mentally ill nor are they suffering from a phobia of an expected sexual or gender role.
  • Don't rely on stereotypes to determine her sexuality. People are not stereotypes. Support for your friend's identity and relationships is critical to maintaining her mental health. Don’t impose undue stress or difficulties on people experiencing multiple kinds of oppression within society.
  • Don’t out people. It is your friend's business who knows her sexual preferences. It is often outright dangerous to publicly identify as a homosexual, even in schools in liberal areas.[5] There are often extremely negative professional or social complications that result from the experience of coming out, and it is not your place to thrust them upon your friend.[6]

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26298574
  2. ↑ http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J082v14n01_05#.Vd1o3fSKT3U
  3. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26182185
  4. ↑ http://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy
  5. ↑ http://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X%2801%2900415-3/abstract
  6. ↑ http://students.laverne.edu/studentsofpride/files/2012/03/Psy-Treatment-of-LGB-Individuals-LaVerne-Presentation111.pdf
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