Reject Someone Without Breaking Their Heart

Have you ever been asked out on a date by someone you are not interested in? Finding a polite way to reject the invitation can be really tricky. Breaking up with someone you no longer want to date can feel just as awkward. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but you also don't want to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. There are several steps you can take to reject someone while keeping their heart intact.

Steps

Turning Down a Date With Kindness

  1. Tell the truth. Honesty is usually the best policy. It is disrespectful to lie to someone. If you don't want to date someone, you should say so.[1]
    • Sometimes it is easy to be honest. For example, you might be able to truthfully say, "No, thank you, I already have a date for that party."
    • Other times, you might need to find a kinder way to be nice. Maybe you are not attracted to the person. Instead of bluntly saying that, try saying, "No, thank you, I just don't think we would be a good fit."
    • Avoid making up a phony excuse. For instance, don't tell someone you will be out of town this weekend if you won't be. There's a chance that you might then run into them at the movies, which would definitely cause hurt feelings.
  2. Use a "compliment sandwich". A compliment sandwich is a really effective way to provide feedback. Essentially, you "sandwich" your negative comment between two positive things. Try using this method when you need to reject someone.[2]
    • An example of a compliment sandwich is to say something such as, "You're an awesome person. Unfortunately, I'm not interested in dating you. Someone else is going to be really lucky to date someone with such a great personality!"
    • You could also try, "You are a really nice person. I'm only interested you as a friend. I like when we hang out in big groups together!"
    • Be sincere. If you offer false compliments, the other person will likely be able to tell and feel hurt.
  3. Be direct. If you do not want to date someone, it is best to be upfront about your feelings. Do not beat around the bush. If your mind is made up, it is best to clearly state your response.[3]
    • If someone asks you to date them and you don't want to, you can be direct and kind at the same time. State your answer clearly.
    • You can make your feelings clear without purposefully hurting someone else's feelings. Try smiling and saying, "That sounds fun, but no thank you. I'm not interested in dating you."
    • Don't beat around the bush. If you do not want to accept the date, there is no need to say, "Let me think about it."
    • It is best to get the rejection over with. You don't want to give someone false hope. Avoid saying something like, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."
  4. Treat the person with respect. Try to treat the person the way you would want to be treated. This means that you should choose your words carefully. Be thoughtful in your response.[4]
    • It's okay to pause before responding. You might be taken by surprise and need a moment to collect your thoughts.
    • Say thank you. It is a compliment to be asked out. You can say, "I'm flattered. Unfortunately, I can't accept."
    • Don't laugh. Many people laugh nervously in awkward situations. Try to avoid giggling, as that is likely to result in hurt feelings.
  5. Communicate effectively. Sometimes it is not what you say, but how you say it. If you need to reject someone, think about factors other than your words. Non-verbal communication matters, too.[2]
    • Use the right tone of voice. Try to sound gentle but firm.
    • Make eye contact. This helps convey that you are being serious, and also shows respect for the other person.
    • If you are in public, try not to speak too loudly. It is not necessary for everyone around you to know that you are turning down a date.

Ending a Relationship Gently

  1. Take responsibility for breaking up. Maybe you are already dating someone and you no longer want to be. There are ways to kindly reject your significant other. Your first step is to face the situation head on.[5]
    • Don't try to delay the breakup. If you want to end the relationship, it's best to get it over with.
    • Don't wait for the other person to break up with you. It can be tempting to try to be mean or avoid making plans so that your partner will end the relationship.
    • Making someone want to breakup with you doesn't make you the nicer person. It's just a way of putting the burden on someone else.
  2. Use compassion. Ending a relationship can be painful. It can also be a very awkward conversation. Try to make it as smooth as possible by being as kind and gentle as possible.[6]
    • Don't play the blame game. You don't need to say, "I'm breaking up with you because you're a horrible person!"
    • It's okay to voice your concerns. Just be honest and constructive.
    • For example, you could say, "I can't date you anymore. It really bothers me that you repeatedly break plans with me without any warning."
    • You can also say something nice. You could try, "There are a lot of great things about dating you. However, it's time for me to move on."
  3. Plan what you want to say. You might be nervous if you have to reject someone. Sometimes it can ease your anxiety if you make a plan. Put some thought into how you will approach the conversation.[7]
    • Think about the main points. For example, if you are breaking up because you don't want to be in a relationship, make sure to say that.
    • Write down some notes. It can be useful to see your thoughts in writing. It can also help you remember what you want to say.
    • Think about the other person's feelings. Try out some different variations of "This isn't working" to figure out what feels natural and honest.
  4. Find a good time. Anytime you have to have "the talk", it's going to be difficult. If you choose an appropriate time, you can make it a little more bearable. Take the other person's perspective into account.[8]
    • Break-up in person. It can be tempting to send a text or e-mail, but you should avoid doing so. It is kinder and more respectful to have a face to face conversation.
    • Try to avoid having a public breakup. For example, don't choose a friend's birthday party as the setting for an important conversation.
    • Give some warning. Let the other person know that you need to have a serious talk. Try saying, "I have to talk to you about something that you probably won't like."
  5. Make a clean break. Ending a relationship can feel complicated. You might feel like easing out of dating is nicer to the other person. However, it is more effective to definitively end things.[9]
    • Set clear boundaries. You can try saying, "I think it's best if we don't communicate at all for a while."
    • Consider blocking the other person on social media. That way, no one will be tempted to monitor Facebook or Instagram statuses.
    • Don't lead anyone on. After you have broken up, do not flirt with your ex or try to make plans with them.

Keeping Your Own Interests in Mind

  1. Watch for red flags. Rejecting someone can cause a lot of emotions. In fact, it can make some people very angry. If you need to reject someone, look for some warning signs.[10]
    • Your safety is top priority. If you think rejecting someone could cause them to become very upset, take steps to stay safe.
    • One red flag is a bad temper. If you have seen the person lose their temper before, consider rejecting them in public. It might be more awkward, but you'll be safe.
    • Know when to walk away. If your rejection causes anger, don't stand there trying to explain yourself. If the person starts yelling or being mean, end the conversation.
    • If the other person seems to have an anger management problem, it is okay to use e-mail or text to reject them. That is an exception to the "face to face" rule.
  2. Prioritize your feelings. Rejecting someone is not an enjoyable experience. In fact, it can make you feel pretty bad. However, it's important to remember that your emotions should be your priority.[5]
    • Don't say "yes" simply to avoid saying "no". Only accept a date with someone you are interested in.
    • Know that your happiness is important. You do not need to date someone that you don't like.
    • Consider your motivations. Try not to let your friends influence your dating choices. Say "yes" or "no" based on your own opinions.
  3. Confide in someone trustworthy. It can be tricky to know that you need to reject someone. If you know that someone is going to ask you out and you want to say no, consider getting some advice. Talk to a friend or family member that you trust.[7]
    • Think about asking a sibling for advice. They might be able to help you think of a nice way to say "No, thank you."
    • Choose a friend who can be trusted to stay quiet. You don't want other people to know about the breakup before your boyfriend or girlfriend knows.
    • Be honest about your emotions. Try saying, "I need to reject someone, and it's making me really nervous."

Tips

  • Give a reason for your answer. Clarity might help soften the blow.
  • Avoid gossip. Don't laugh with your friends about rejecting someone.
  • Make eye contact. This helps demonstrate respect.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.glamour.com/story/guy-approved-ways-to-turn-down
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-to-a-date
  3. ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10237/how-to-say-no-to-a-second-date-and-still-make-everyone-feel-great.html
  4. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/the-guyliner/kind-way-to-turn-down-a-date_b_3675987.html
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://stayteen.org/sex-ed/article/breaking-nice-way
  6. ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/09/how-nice-people-break-up.html
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html#
  8. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner?view=slideview
  9. ↑ http://www.glamour.com/story/how-to-nicely-break-up-with-so
  10. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/how-to-turn-down-a-date_b_9501420.html
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