Spot Bad Signs when Falling in Love

Love is a wonderful feeling, yet it’s possible to love the wrong person and end up hurt. When you’re starting to fall for someone, ask yourself some questions about their character. First and foremost, look out for your safety and well-being and don’t fall in love with someone who is suspicious, abusive, or an active addict. Notice any big “deal breakers” in their personality. Finally, prioritize your needs and what you want from someone you love.

Steps

Watching Out for Your Safety

1. Don’t get catfished. Catfishing refers to someone pretending to be a person they are not via the internet. If you meet someone great on the internet yet they refuse to talk to you on the phone or they come up with excuses for why they cannot video chat you, be warned. They might send you pictures or voice messages, but this doesn’t mean that they are truthfully representing themselves. Be aware of any potential deception or if a person truly is too good to be true.
   • If you’re falling for someone, ask to video call them so that you can see their face and hear their voice in real-time.
   • Some people use dating and romance websites to scam others. If the person starts asking you for money or other items or services, be aware that they might be scamming you.
2. Look out for controlling behavior. Some people implement controlling behavior, even if they don’t label it or recognize it as controlling. They might expect you to know what they want and get upset with you if you don’t do or say what they want you to say. If they are upset with you, they might give you the silent treatment until you do what they want. This person might not make an effort to understand you or accuse you of not understanding them.
   • Even though these behaviors and attitudes are subtle, they still can indicate someone who wants control in the relationship.
3. Watch out for physical and sexual abuse. Keep an eye out for someone who is violent or abusive. Both men and women can be abusive, though men tend to be more physically aggressive. Physical abuse includes violence or force used against you. For example, they might grab you, hit you, pull your hair, or throw something at you. Sexual abuse may be forcing you or pressuring you to do sexual acts, being purposefully rough, ignoring your requests to stop, doing things that hurt you, or initiating sexual activity without your consent.
   • If you’re being abused, don’t hope that your partner will change or that things will improve. You can’t change this person. It’s best to leave and get help and support.
4. Recognize emotional and verbal abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse may be more subtle than physical or sexual abuse, but nonetheless, can cause harm and affect your self-esteem. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse might include insulting you, embarrassing you in public, telling you what to do or who you can see, or blaming you for their bad behavior. Your partner might tell you that you’re too sensitive, make you the punchline for their jokes, and make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
   • If your partner makes you feel small or cuts you down, this can indicate verbal abuse.
5. Look for financial warning signs. Someone who is financially reckless may be reckless in other areas of their life, so keep an eye out for how they handle their finances. Your partner may also use finances to control you and your behavior. For example, they might restrict your access to money and finances, get credit cards or loans in your name without your permission, or use your credit cards or checkbook.
   • Especially if your partner makes more money than you, they might use their financial power over you in order to get you to do things or behave the way they want you to.
6. Notice problems with drugs or alcohol. Your partner may try to hide their habits or downplay them, so be aware of any problems they have with drugs or alcohol. An addict might say that drugs or alcohol help them cope with stress or that they don’t use that often. Some signs of addiction might be covering up their use or making excuses. If they use, they might lie or downplay what they did, even if there’s evidence against them. If you’re concerned, recommend inpatient drug treatment.
   • If it’s obvious that they have a problem yet they refuse to admit it or change their ways, it might be time to go.
   • Some people are willing to change, but recognize a relationship with someone who has an addiction is often very difficult. Proceed with caution.

Looking at Their Personality and Behavior

1. Find someone who’s empathetic. Ideally, your partner should comfort you and affirm the way you feel in an empathetic way. If your partner belittles you, minimizes your needs or wants, or ignores your requests for things that matter to you, you might feel invalidated or unable to bring your wants or needs to them. Some invalidating statements might include, “You’re blowing this out of proportion,” “I don't care about this,” or, “Just chill.” Having your feelings invalidated might create disconnected feelings between you and make you feel less understood.
   • Your partner should care about what you think and how you feel. For example, if you come home after a difficult day, they shouldn’t say, “Get over it.” Instead, you might appreciate them saying, “I’m sorry it’s been a tough day.”
   • You shouldn’t feel like your partner feels contempt toward you.
2. Trust your partner. You want to trust the person you’re falling in love with. Trust means being consistent in actions and words, respecting boundaries, and being dependable. It means being respectful of one another’s privacy but not being secretive. If they are often secretive or evasive, start asking some questions. When you ask questions, you should feel like you are getting an honest answer.
   • Listen to your instincts. A lack of trust on your part can be a sign of a lack of trustworthiness on their part.
   • You should trust your partner not to be aggressive, violent, or threaten you in any way.
3. Pay attention to jealousy. It’s normal to be a little jealous, but if your partner’s jealousy impacts your relationship greatly, take note. For example, they might demand that you stop spending time with people they don’t like or tell you to wear different clothes or only clothes they want you to wear. Maybe they check your emails, phone calls, or texts to monitor your behavior and make sure you are not cheating or acting in a way they don’t like.
   • If your partner is suspicious of you and other people often, the jealousy is likely unhealthy.
4. Examine their relationships. Take note of how the person relates to their friends and family. If they’ve cut out their family and burned bridges with multiple friends, this might be a warning sign of conflicts and interpersonal problems. While not everyone gets along with their families, look for someone who can maintain relationships and who is respected among their friends.
   • If they talk about conflicts in their relationships, notice how they talk about them. For example, do they blame others and take no responsibility for their own role? Ideally, they should take some responsibility for things going poorly or for not responding well to a troubled situation.
5. Notice if they’re a narcissist. If your partner’s needs seem to take priority over your own needs much of the time, you may be dating a narcissist. They might be preoccupied with their own lives, feel contempt toward you and others, get you to serve their needs, and cross (or violate) your boundaries. This kind of person thinks they are the best at everything and no one will measure up to them.
   • Sexual narcissism refers to gratification without consideration of the other partner, making outrageous demands, or frequent criticisms.

Prioritizing Your Needs

1. See if you’ve changed. Have you noticed that your likes, dislikes, opinions, way you speak, or type of dress have changed as a result of being in the relationship? If you’ve changed who you are in a major way, this can be a bad sign. You should feel comfortable to be yourself and express your own opinions without fearing judgment and criticism.
   • If you and your partner disagree, both you and they should be able to accept the difference without it causing major problems.
2. Assess your shared values. If you want a mature partner, look for someone who has a job and can provide for themselves. If you absolutely want to get married and have kids, be wary of someone who is sure they don’t want to get married or have kids. Think about your values and non-negotiable items in a relationship and make sure your partner’s line up. Have important discussions about the future, especially before you become invested in the relationship.
   • For example, if you have a dog, it’s probably important to you that this person likes dogs, or at least your dog.
3. Take note of anything that makes you uncomfortable. It’s easy to overlook certain comments or actions early in a relationship, but give them some serious thought. Maybe even your first date had a moment when you felt uncomfortable or your partner said something that was off-putting. For example, some people enjoy creating drama or conflict in relationships. If this is not something you want, keep your eye out for these patterns.
   • Think about your positive versus negative interactions. Your positive experiences should far outweigh the negative ones at this point.
4. Have a Healthy Conversation About Exes with Your Current Partner. Nobody really enjoys talking about exes, but speaking about past relationships can help you get an idea of what it’s like to date and be with your partner. For example, if they have never had a long-term relationship, they may not know how to date long-term. If they are on bad terms with all of their exes, see what happened. Ideally, you want to find someone who has learned from their mistakes and takes equal blame in problems.
   • If you are concerned they might not be over an ex, talk about their past relationship and see how they describe the person, the relationship, and why it ended.
   • You might not want to date someone who describes all their exes as “crazy” because you might become one at some point.

Sources and Citations

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