Choose the Right Man to Marry

Choosing a life partner is a big decision and not one to take lightly. When choosing a man to marry, ask yourself lots of questions and evaluate what you want. Know your own role and responsibilities in creating a happy relationship and recognize that it’s up to you to create the relationship you want. Feel comfortable in who you are and make efforts to share each other’s families. Talk about your differences and any potential problems that may arise if you do become married.

Steps

Meeting Your Own Needs

1. Ask yourself what you want. Think about what qualities you want in a man. Ask yourself what you admire in a man and how you want to enjoy the time you spend together. You might want to write a list of the things you desire and the things you aren’t willing to budge on, like kids or religion. Think about what kind of man you would like to build a future with.
   • If you’re currently with someone, be honest with yourself and see if you really feel good about your relationship or if you are waiting for something else deep inside.
2. Feel comfortable in who you are. Before you get married, make sure you are at a place where you are comfortable in who you are. Know your best qualities and the things you can improve upon. When choosing a man, find someone who makes you feel natural when together. Look for someone who brings out the best in you, such as your kindness and humor. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to change to be good enough for them.
   • You should feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings openly to this person without fearing their judgment or ridicule.
   • If you feel pressure to be someone else or act a certain way to get their attention, this could be a bad sign.
3. Put yourself first. Think about your goals and what you want to do with your life. Then, ask yourself if he is going to support you and be a part of it. The man you marry should be the person that will help you to grow and be a better person in all fields. For example, if you want to live in another country, find a man who would support you and/or join you in that move.
   • Look for a man who will support you and encourage you to pursue your desires and dreams.
4. Know if he wants to get married. If you’re dating a guy who says he probably doesn’t want to get married, it might be foolish to wait for him to come around. If you’re trying to find the right husband, make sure the guys you date want to get married. If your relationship is getting serious, ask about his future hopes and dreams. If he doesn’t include marriage in his answer, ask him about it.
   • If you’re waiting years for your boyfriend to come around, have a serious discussion and let him know what you want.

Considering Practical Matters

1. Examine your compatibility. When it comes to compatibility, the most important thing is that you feel united in some way. It might be that you spend your free time in similar ways, share a hobby, or just enjoy being together. When you think about your partner, consider what items you want to connect on.
   • Whether you both love camping or both already have children, make sure there’s at least one thing you can unite with your potential spouse with. Perhaps similar beliefs unite you or you both value family.
2. Have similar conflict styles. Everyone has a different way of approaching problems in a relationship. Some people get angry and yell, others avoid, and still others handle conflict as it arises and compromise. It matters little which style you and your partner have, but more whether both of your styles are similar.
   • Think about how you tend to approach conflict and find a man who has a similar approach.
   • Resolving conflicts can help you understand each other better and not hold resentment toward each other.
3. Discuss religious differences. If religion matters greatly to you, find a partner who shares your beliefs. Marrying someone with different beliefs from you can affect your relationship and cause problems in the future, so think about how this might affect your potential marriage and family. If it’s imperative to you and your family that your husband share your same religion, you must either ask him to convert or break up. Talk openly about how religious differences will affect your relationship and potential children.
   • Find common ground in your beliefs or values. Learn to accept their religion and learn about it.
4. Talk about finances. Consider how you approach money and find a man with a similar approach. If you tend to meticulously budget and save your money, find a man with similar values. Money can be a big problem and major source of conflict in a marriage, so pick up on a potential partner’s habits early on.
   • Consider your values around keeping separate bank accounts or using a joint bank account. Have a plan for tackling debt, creating savings, and dividing money.
5. Build family relationships. Decide the role of family in your future marriage. If you want to be heavily involved in family life with your own family, choose a man with similar family values. Some people want little to do with their in-laws, while others spend lots of time together. Ideally, you want to at least feel welcome and accepted into his family and have him feel the same about yours.
   • If you don’t have a great relationship with your own family and want to feel connected to your future husband’s family, look for a man who lives near his family and has a great relationship with his parents and siblings.

Looking at His Behavior

1. See if he’s emotionally available. Make sure you connect with your partner emotionally. You shouldn’t have to beg for your future husband’s attention, nor should you feel low on the list of people he wants to spend time with. You should feel like you get the attention you need and connect on an emotional level.
   • Look for a man you can openly talk to and who makes you feel understood.
   • For example, people in a healthy emotional relationship will turn toward one another during times of hardship and in times of celebration.
2. Look at his friendships and family relationships. Talk about his friendships and his relationship with his family. Look for a man who is capable of holding long-term relationships and has life-long friends. Notice how he navigates his relationships: see how he handles conflicts, shows support, and gets involved with the people he loves.
   • If he has lots of conflicts in his relationships or has cut off friends or family members, ask about what led to these actions and why they have happened repeatedly.
3. Be ready to change together. The person you marry may not be the same person in 5, 10, or 50 years. Both you and he will change, so ready yourself. Both of you will likely make changes in your lives physically, mentally and emotionally. If you become parents or go through other major life changes, make it a goal to change together, not apart.
   • If you’re looking for the right man, see if he can be flexible with changes and turn toward you and not away from you. Notice how he responds to changes in his life and ask yourself how he would do in the long-term.

Contributing to a Healthy Relationship

1. Take responsibility. While you want to find the right man, be the right partner in the relationship for your future husband. It’s easy to blame someone for what’s going wrong in your relationship. However, you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. If you frame a person into being the “right” or “wrong” man, it misses consideration of your part in the relationship. You alone are responsible for the relationship you want.
   • Take responsibility for your own feelings without blaming your partner, and notice if he does this, too. If you feel frustrated, speak up or do something to change things on your own initiative.
2. Accept his flaws. Recognize from the start that you will not marry a perfect man. He has flaws and he will trigger you. Before you get married, make sure you have some awareness of the things that annoy you or bother you. You might get annoyed by home life things (like a messy man) or lifestyle things (like a man who spends a lot of time with friends). Know what things bother you or annoy you and don’t plan on them magically disappearing when you get married. More likely, they will magnify.
   • Accept that there will be lots of things you disagree on. Be ready to accept him as he is without feeling the need to change him.
   • Accept that you have flaws, too. Be ready for them to come to light.
3. Heed any warning signs. If you fall in love with someone yet some big problems already exist, like a drinking or drug problem, halt your feelings for a bit. Step outside of your emotions and step into a more rational mindset. Ask yourself if there are things that you’re avoiding or overlooking that are important to acknowledge. If you’re hoping problems will magically work themselves out, be realistic in how they might actually turn out.
   • Don’t expect things to get better. For example, if the man is violent or has an addiction, don’t expect him to change just because you might get married. Be cautious.

Tips

• Don't think about it as "choosing" the right man. Think about it as letting someone in your life and deciding what you want that person to be like.

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Sources and Citations

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