Stop Fighting with Your Father

Fighting usually happens because of miscommunication, or simply arrogance. You need to find out the real reasons behind fighting; in case of the latter, don't fight, but rather move away (in other words: escape). There is one golden rule about fighting with older people or adults (especially parents), and that is: They do have more experience and wisdom than you do. And the bottom line is, as long as you are a minor, your parents get to make all your decisions. It's better to learn how to work with them than it is to be continually fighting.

Steps

  1. Remain calm. Let's face it, a huge fight with your father only ends one way: he swears because he's the father--or because he thinks he can yell and swear without being inappropriate. When you sense a yell is coming your way, focus on something else, and calm down as soon as you can, or go to your room if necessary. If a yell is cut off by walking away, it becomes harder to redraw. Yelling at each other while arguing will not allow either party to accept "reasonable solutions" because humans tend to be defensive when frustrated.
  2. Be honest and objective. Were you at fault because you did something you knew was wrong? Think hard about the thing you are about to yell about, is it because you were late? ( - you will lose: apologize and accept the consequences) or is it because you want to get an answer so bad? (
  3. Do not apologize if you were right. If you start kneeling and apologizing when your father is simply giving you an injustice, you will be giving yourself two injustices--one from your father and one from yourself. Leave it at one injustice, go to your room and do not return. When your father calms down, politely but firmly request an apology (do this in the presence of your mother, too, if she sides with you).
  4. Tell the full truth. Don't start by whining that you were "just doing..." whatever. It was serious enough to get your dad angry, so don't try to skate or gloss over what happened. Tell him everything that happened, and tell the truth - don't tell complete lies or half-truths (half-truths are also lies!). It is better to have one bad day than many bad days, which is what you will have every time he finds out something else you didn't tell him - and he will find out. The truth is just a shortcut to what's going to happen anyway. If you want to be treated like an adult, it's best if you start acting more mature.
  5. Remember that yelling is not eternal. Talking back and shouting at him will not make him stop shouting. It may seem impossible, but if you are right you can say, "Dad, it is very hurtful to me when you shout at me. I know you mean well, but it immensely hurts my feelings. Please stop shouting at me from here on forth". While this may seem rude, it is, if you are not wrong, acceptable to say.
  6. Don't wheedle and beg or play your parents against each other. A fight over something you want is pointless. And it's not smart to get your mom involved after he has already said no, except in one way: Sometimes it is helpful to have an ally.
    • For instance, you could go to your mom and tell her, "Dad has already said no, but he won't discuss it with me. Will you at least hear me out on this?" If she agrees, she will be doing it understanding that your dad has already decided against you. If she feels your dad is out of line, she can try to work on him and soften him up, and that's all right.
      • What is not all right is to ask Dad, and after he says no, ask Mom, who says yes. You may feel that you've won the argument, but you have just created a very bad situation, both for your mom and yourself, because your dad will be mad that you tried "an end run" around him. Going to your mom honestly will help convince both of them that you have a mature and responsible attitude, and that, more than anything else, will get you the "yes" you want from your Dad more often - and help you avoid fights.
  7. Understand that if your father "blows issues out of proportion" often, this is due to his insecurity issues and has little to do with you. Your dad identifies very strongly as your dad. He is proud when you do a good deed, but he is disappointed and embarrassed if you do a bad deed. He has been responsible for you all your life. Have mercy on your father if he feels that he is not doing his job when you mess up. Give him security. When you do it your way, it might hurt him a bit; when you mess up and fail, it breaks his heart.
  8. Keep your voice down and respond calmly. When you are already in a fight, avoid yelling, being disrespectful, or using abusive language (swears, name calling, etc.)
    • Avoid saying accusatory things like "You always do that!" Instead, try to keep the focus on you, by saying things like "I feel like you don't listen to what I want to do. I know you want certain things for me, and I appreciate it, Dad, but please let me begin making my own choices."
      • For instance, if he tells you not to hang out with certain people, ask him why he is saying that. If he gives you bogus reasons (such as "I don't like the way he looks"), then he is relying on his feelings - tell him that it is not right to judge a book by its cover. Ask him if it's not true that he is the one who says it's what is inside that matters. An approach like this is more helpful and mature than responding with, "That's stupid!"
  9. Earn his trust and respect. Sometimes kids assume that their fathers do not trust them, but the truth is, if you hide and lie, you must face the fact that you have not earned your father's trust. You want to gain trust, you have to start telling the truth no matter what.
    • Be friendly with your father. Ask him for advice, and spend time with him. Ask him to spend time with you.

Tips

  • Just don't make it escalate by shouting, men in general tend to have a shorter temper than women and this can possibly lead to physical actions. You don't want this. When you know you are the one less likely to explode than your dad is, keep your voice calm, and stay well away from him, particularly if you know he gets pushy during fights.
  • Remember: your dad wants you to be happy. Don't push him too far though. (He might take the blame for a crime you commit to save you!)
  • Express your feelings!
  • "Sorry" is magic only if it's true. Remember that part in the movie "Fright Night" where the hero holds up a cross to fight off a vampire? The vampire smiles and grabs the cross and sneers, "You have to have faith for that to work." It's the same with an apology - if you don't mean it, it doesn't help at all. This is another reason why you should not apologize if you do not feel you're wrong. Your father will see that you are right eventually if you truly are.
  • Walking away can give people time to calm down but make sure you clearly state "I think this has become uncivil and destructive" or something to that effect - don't turn and walk out abruptly, as just "running away" can cause more worry and anger. Plus, it's rude.
  • After you've had one fight, you should learn from your mistakes and just try not to do anything that will get your father mad at you again.
  • While he yells at you, look straight into his eyes if you are right. If you are wrong, kneel down, look at the ground and stay like that until he tells you to rise. He will find yelling extremely difficult if you act humbly.
  • Write a letter to your father in your best handwriting, asking of him a sincere apology for hurting your feelings and saying an apology for angering him. Write that he is a very good father despite the temper he has just portrayed to you, and that, regardless of his yelling, you love him eternally. This is so poetic that very few fathers can keep up yelling like this.
  • If you were right, act like Joan of Arc. "Virtuous, compassionate Father: I cannot confess if I am innocent. You wish not that I lie, and my confessions or apology would be a lie; I shall not lie and therefore shall not confess!"
  • Be careful of what you say. An angry dad can sometimes take the slightest word as a rude comeback or smart remark. This will just stir up more trouble, even though you were legitimate!
  • Try to relate to your dad. "I know how you feel," and, "I don't like it either," can help calm him down.

Warnings

  • Never run away from home unless you are in physical danger. If you are in physical danger or your father is threatening you, don't hesitate to leave the house and head to safety. If you have tried to calm the situation, and your dad is out of control, don't wait - get away from there and call someone for help.
  • Don't fight anymore when the argument isn't being resolved. You shouldn't ever fight or argue for more than half an hour. The truth is, most fights are over within five to ten minutes, and if they aren't, then it isn't going to be resolved that minute. Let it go by saying something along the lines of, "Okay, Dad. I still don't agree, but maybe we can just agree to disagree here. Obviously, I'm not going to get my way, and I accept that, but let's talk about it more later, I'm going to bed. Goodnight". This is the mature way to put a stop to the argument. Remember to use a calm, quiet voice--avoid yelling or shouting.
  • If you feel that the situation at home has become too volatile and that your safety is at risk, call or go to a trusted relative - your aunt, your uncle. Tell him or her what has been happening. Your aunt or uncle will call your parents and let them know (A) you are safe (if you showed up there) or (B) you are scared to be around your dad because he became physically aggressive with you. Don't let an argument turn into a fist-fight with your father.
  • Never give in to the temptation to fight physically. Unbelievable as it may sound, some fathers actually pick physical fights with their sons at some point during their teen years. It seems they are acting out a primal "challenge" scenario in which they discover who is now the "Alpha Male" (most dominant). This happens most often when the son suddenly is taller or bigger than the father or stepfather. Do not engage your father this way if you can help it - it will make family life difficult for years and is very hard to overcome. Plus, if you are working out years of suppressed anger because your father is controlling, domineering or just simply overly aggressive, you could find yourself out of control, and doing serious harm to your dad. You are younger than he is, and matter who wins, it's not worth messing up the rest of your life to prove that you're able to take him.

    • If your dad pushes you or otherwise provokes you physically, the best response may be to stand as tall and you can and stand right up to him, then calmly say, "Dad, even if I'm mad, right now, I still love you." Many times, just telling him that you love him will make him stop - and that's the goal.
    • If that doesn't work, take several steps back and say, "Dad, I'm not going to fight you, now or ever. Let's walk away from each other before we both do something that we'll regret forever." And take a big step away from him. Standing off from him will help you both calm down. Try to end the discussion or fight by giving both of you time to cool off. Ask if it's all right if you take a walk or go to your room for awhile. You need some time and space to cool down before the fight escalates.

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